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Wildheart
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Country: United States
State: Texas
Birthday: 3/22/1962
Gender: Female
Interests: Poetry, cats, sci-fi, alternative rock, new age music, classical music, genealogy, the internet, literature, philosophy, animals, art, politics......:)
Expertise: *lol*..........being a nuisance...........;)
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
12/23/2000
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| spent most of the day thinking that it was Saturday.....I do have a little bit of a routine that keeps me in contact with the passage of time, but today the routine was forgotten and so it really didn't matter what day it was...... | | |
| Fatigue has kept me away from the net for a few days.....taking naps in the afternoon.... watching Oprah & Jeopardy.......if I can sleep in the day, I must be really sick.......when I was a kid, my mom would try to get me to take naps and I would always end up on the couch watching soap operas with her......not much of a napper.........:)
Thanks for all the emails of concern......sometimes you get so tired that you can't think of anything to write.....
I chose to make my illness public here....some times I wounder if that was a good thing to do.......every time I'm gone for a few days, people assume that something bad has happened........this process that I'm going through can be physically & emotionlly draining.....on good days I try to go full speed...... at my usual pace and end up paying for it with seversl days of tiredness.....I learned to take it slow.....
This week I got promising news.......drs appoinmennt on Tuesday Xray showed considerable decrease in the fluid that is around my left lung....this is the 1st visual evidence I've gotten that the chemo is working........who knows when I'll breathe my last gasp, but at least it will be from 2 lungs instead of one.........:) | | |
| There are two means of refuge from the misery of life -- music and cats.
-- Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965) French theologian, musician, medical missionary | | |
| A few weeks ago my father called, not to see how I was doing, but to insist that I justify my existance.......he said I had never done anything.......the more I think about it, the more I realize he is right.........my life is a total waste.there is nothing that I can point to and say with pride - I did that.........almost 40 yrs haunted by abuse and torture.......I never understood life.....why it could be so cruel....maybe I'm already dead and am just waking up to that reality......or maybe I never was alive.......I know I never lived.......too many years in an emotional fetal position..........I hiding from dreams and nightmares
invisible hands that try to grab me
screams that won't come out of my throat
pain that I don't want to feel
I wanted to run, but my feet wouldn't move and if they did I wouldn't know which direction to go....
so much energy spent trying to deal with torture and abuse by a baby sitter, my parents and grandparents.........everyone lived to be cruel..........nothing was left to do the things that ordinary people do.....form friendships and meaningful relationships........develop a life filled with passion for whatever it is that you do......until a couple of years ago, I didn't know that you are supposed to enjoy what you do for a living.
When I was in my 20s, I wrote that I would die sad and alone.......I had no idea that it would happen so soon.......and why, of all things, did I have to be right about this?
and why does my father have to be right?..........
I have done nothing......I am nothing...... | | |
| I watched the "Weakest Link" last night, for the first time.........after one viewing, I just don't get it........well, the questions were harder than the ones they ask on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"......but the strong links got voted off the show....the strategy for winning seems to be - be a weak link, don't intimidate your opponents and maybe you'll weasle your way to the end of the show..........I guess that's how the show got it's name, but I had assumed that the weak links got the boot......
the show is kinda dull, which makes me wonder why Xanga members have created their own game based on it........here no one is going to shout "Weakest Link!!!!!!" over & over to remind us the name of the game....
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