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| serenity does not come easilyI know this is random, but I just wrote this poem tonight in my beat poets class. I don't want to lose it so I'm putting it here. the bored female returns to her lair arms full of groceries and books and mail - junk all of it the search for keys lost in the bottom of her oversized overstuffed overheavy bag (she was like that once - oversized dreams and hopes overstuffed heart of joy and delight overheavy innocence) it has been a back aching, knees cracking, feet throbbing, head in a vice grip kind of day - where are they? grocery bag breaks an orange rolls down the multitude of steps as a can of beans rolls down the hall the back breaking bag spills its contents on top of the already crowded door mat as the key slips into the door "damn it! oh forget it..." feet serve as rakes pushing the disarray of her fragmented life over the threshold the door slams releasing the poisonous pain and devastating displeasure of the day the weeks the months the last few years the pile of items from the door join the rest of the disheveled clutter scattered everywhere - a visual representation of the life she survives serenity does not come easily the sounds of the hectic street below drift like a bitter symphony upward through the open window serenity does not come easily the tv emits trash the newspaper breeds despair and the odor from the refrigerator is worse than it was this morning serenity does not come easily the sun illuminates a spot on the table reminder of a forgotten time where flowers used to live a spot and a time she has tried hard to forget the flowers are dust now much like the happiness that once sparkled in her now hollow eyes a happiness that once curved her now broken smile a happiness which now gone shattered her dreams and hopes emptied her heart and brought the overbearing weight of experience serenity does not come easily the sun is gone but a heavy gray aroma has replaced it and now permeates the room the gray sound soon follows matching her disposition serenity does not come easily | | |
| No, I have not dropped off the face of the planet. No, I have not stopped thinking of original posts. No, I have not entered a comatose state. Yes, I may very well be losing my mind, but no, I have not forgotten that I have a blog. As I am exhausted - physically, mentally, and emotionally - I am going to keep this entry short.
I am overwhelmed.
Almost a month ago, my family took in a five year old girl. I adore her and love having her around, but I've not slept, truly slept, for the past week. In a way, I am glad that she will probably be returning home Wednesday; however, this also makes me extremely sad and causes me a great deal of worry. I just want what is best for her.
School has yet to retire for the summer. It can't end soon enough. It's been a rough semester, and I am ready for it to be over. With the summer comes a trip to London, freedom, money, and hopefully, a great deal of fun. I am swamped right now with due dates that are being compromised because of other issues in my life...
My grandfather is in the hospital in Johnson City. He has been there since Friday. He will likely be there at least until this Friday and possibly until Monday. He has three major blockages in his heart - the first is a 100% blockage and the other two are 99% each. They have scheduled open heart surgery for sometime on Wednesday.
Johnson City brings us to the next issue of stress in my life, Keith. We officially broke up on March 20th. On March 22nd, I told him that I loved him. This was probably not a very wise decision. On April 12th, I took him out to dinner for his birthday. This evening was a total bust. It did not go at all as I had hoped it would. Today, I called him while I was in JC. He was too busy being lazy and watching TV to come support a friend whose grandfather is in the hospital with a serious heart problem. It wouldn't have killed him to come say hi and sit with me for a bit. It wouldn't have killed him to have come and picked me up just to get me out of there for a little while. But I digress... I suppose I'm just getting really tired of all the stupid crap that goes on with him. Just once, I wish he'd remove his head from C.H.I.B.'s rear end long enough to realize that there are other people in his life that need him and would appreciate his support. Especially when they have been there to support him through far more than most would. But once again, I digress.
Church is going well. We are about to begin a new program for discipleship. While things are going well, this is an added pressure point right now. It's always tough and time consuming to get a new project off the ground. Right now, I just don't feel like I have the time I need to devote to the project. Not to mention the fact that I'm leaving for London in just under a month, and I've not yet planned the first event for summer.
And now that I am about to pass out for lack of rest, I think I'll try to get some sleep. I'll write more soon. I've missed writing and the release it provides. Anyway, please ignore all the grammatical and spelling error that I've made in the last six paragraphs... Must sleep... Goodnight... | | |
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Let it go...
By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you let them walk.I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ......
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourselfand God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......
LET IT GO!!! | | |
| A Letter of LoveDear Woman,
When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils.
But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man
because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over
him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so
that he could not interfere with the creativity.
From one bone, I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do.
Around this bone, I shaped you. I molded you.
I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your charm, your grace, is as strong as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body.
You were not taken from his feet, to be under him nor were you taken from his head to be above him. You were taken from his side to stand beside him and be held close to his side.
You are my perfect angel. You are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart.
Your eyes, don't change them.
Your lips, how lovely they part in prayer.
Your nose, so perfect in form.
Your hands, so gentle to touch.
I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep.
I've held your heart close to mine.
Of all that lives and breathes, you are most like me! Adam walked with me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. He could not see me or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you: my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my perfection, and support.
You are special because you are an extension of me. Man represents my image, woman my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of GOD.
I Love you my most precious woman!
Love,
GOD | | |
| There are now four one-inch incisions on my tummy. I no longer have a gallbladder, but I've got enough pain to last a lifetime. I thought hiccups were the worst until about two minutes ago. I coughed. That was the most intense pain I've ever experienced. There really is no polite way to say this... This whole thing sucks!
I had trouble waking up from the anesthesia. Plus, it made me throw up. Of course I expected that. It usually does. Then I almost passed out. It was just an all around fun day.
This morning, I feel like an 18 wheeler ran over my midsection. I'm hurting. I'm hurting a lot. And four hours seems like forever, especially when the pain medicine only lasts about 2 and a half.
Keith is so sweet. He's called twice to check on me today. Last night he was having sympathy pains. He's adorable. I'm a lucky girl. If only I could get rid of the pain, I'd be on a roll! | | |
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