Weird

It is strange how often a person can be a prophet in their own writings, in their own poetry.  Its like we spell out our own doom, very strange. 

I want to kill the animal inside, to let that creative fidelity in.

Trashed

No, I'm not trashed as in stoned or really drunk.  I need to stop that too.  I had my fill.  I guess everyone needs a little time to not no who they are for a bit.  I was really happy to get a 4.0 this semester.  Um, work is ok. 

Life does seem to suck though, just a little bit.  I guess this will be my whine session, but no one reads this very much so I can do this here and not have to deal with too much shit I guess.  My best friend's grandma, someone I've known since I was 5, the person that basically raised him, had some part in my own formation, may not be the same person she is.  My best friend could've died if a certain situation had been different by her hands, its crazy.  It is so weird to think about this type of thing.  I don't feel that old for people's family to start having these types of problems.  But I guess that's how it goes. 

I'm afraid to sleep.  So many weird dreams.

Fragments.

haha

I just wonder how a person could just leave all of a sudden, with no warning, and just remove them from your lives as it was nothing.  It makes you feel like trash.  The self worth just drops.  You have to wonder what you did.  I need something to like be awesome for a good long time so I don't have to worry about anything.  I want an awesome band again or an awesome relationship.  I really miss philosophy.  I had awesome philosophy this semester and I was excited about going to school everyday.  It kept me like going.  So strange that a bunch of talk about metaphysics and morality can make a person get up each day, but it does me.  It is something to die for I think, strangely enough.  "sigh"

I jumped and fell on a pair of spikes.

I was wrong, damn it.  Though I will say at least I have guts, although probably I'm a bit more foolhardy and less virtuous(Aristotle is needed to understand that little joke).  I often wonder if I'm either making the same mistakes, or that women seem to have a nature.  I mean, I'd love to say, that people don't have a fixed nature, that we can overcome our facticity and transcend our phenomenal self, have our noumenal self emerge which is undetermined, etc etc.  But, I've seen a pattern in my dealings, maybe its me, though I don't see what I did this time at least.  The other times, I saw what I did or at least my part in it.  I guess I was wrong, it doesn't seem to matter or not on the circumstance, women lie.  I know men lie too, I lie too, but at least I'm sorry for it.  Apologies do help actually, if they are really meant.  Its better than nothing.  Apologies and then trying to mend the situation, that is what helps.  Though, I experience not that tasty fruit.

I'm glad not many people come on xanga, so I'm not so afraid of unleashing my thoughts.  I used to not have this luxury, well I did unleash, but the bullshit of unleashing really really sucked.  I guess this is public, so I have to be ready for that.  I could remember all the times I said stuff about emo and women, hehe.  Now I don't have to worry about that.  Though, that could be an understatement, I'm not inviting someone to come on here and piss me off.  Some lyrics that never seem to get old.

Siamese Twins Lyrics

I chose an eternity of this
Like falling angels
The world disappeared
Laughing into the fire
Is it always like this?
Flesh and blood and the first kiss
The first colours
The first kiss

We writhed under a red light
Voodoo smile
Siamese twins
A girl at the window looks at me for an hour
Then everything falls apart
Broken inside me
It falls apart

The walls and the ceiling move in time
Push a blade into my hands
Slowly up the stairs
And into the room
Is it always like this?

Dancing in my pocket
Worms eat my skin
She glows and grows
With arms outstretched
Her legs around me

In the morning I cried

Leave me to die
You won't remember my voice
I walked away and grew old
You never talk
We never smile
I scream
You're nothing
I don't need you any more
You're nothing

It fades and spins
Fades and spins

Sing out loud
We all die
Laughing into the fire

Is it always like this?
Is it always like this?
Is it always like this?

We might as well Jump!

I often have to wonder if David Lee Roth read some Kierkegaard.  Hmm.  The stuff he wrote really seems to apply to my life at least, or life in general.  Don't we all sort of make leaps of madness without really any sort of reason or rationale behind it.  We look at a decision, examine it, and wonder why we did that, or what justification there is, except our own belief in it.  You weigh out the pros and cons, and somehow, perhaps divinely, we come at a life defining commitment or choice.  We choose to act in a way, we don't know whether or not it will hurt us, but it will define us.  That is where freedom lies, in that sort of estrangement from a pure causality.  The noumenal self emerges in phenomena. 

Life seems to utterly strange right now, in my unsureness of everything.  It seems strange, so strange how it ended up, so incredibly heavy.  You never know where you may end up, all you can do I suppose is be creative, and realize your arete. 

The small amount of people whom read this:  you should watch the corporation, and read Miguel de Unamuno's "The Tragic Sense of Life."  The corporation will spur on some stick to the man feelings and Unamuno is pure awesomeness, heh.  Essentially, TSL is a good overview of modern and ancient philosophy and the real bridge I'd say between Dostoevsky and Kierkegaard, a good synthesis between the sort of hope in Kierkegaard and the insane amount of suffering in Dostoevsky.  Hope in suffering, so Catholic.

A nice post

So today is my Lab/chow mixes birthdays.  They are super cool and eating some big ass bones right now.  I'm trying to keep awake after a nice long 10 hour work day. Fun.  Dark Tranquillity and The Haunted beckon me in Kentucky so I must keep awake so I can stay awake and not die driving sunday night so I can sleep.  Doesn't make a lot of sense.

Life just seems to be stuck on one of those long meandering roads of boredom and sameness.  Work 29 hours, school, read, sleep, watch movies.  I miss playing music.  I miss having a band.  I sort of miss having a girlfriend(the companionship).  I kind of like being selfish though and spending all of my money on me.  I guess I'm becoming such a capitalist, haha.  I wonder if being bitter because of past relationships leads to usury.  So much to that Eve story.  Yup yup. 

I want to forgive so I can be forgiven.  Want to love to be loved.  Don't want to hate so I won't be hated.  Don't want to judge so I will be judged.  Oh but i'm such a fucking animal these days.