|
| hello to all im rele fuckign drunk and im even more sad tho. I just discovered that my boyfriend kessler is in jail for robbing this girl tiffs house. and i just cant take it. my heart hurts too much. id cut...which yes ill admitt ive done since being here but it wouldnt help...id have to cut my damn leg off just to balance out the inside with the outside pain. Ive like detached myself from reality for the moment. god bless long island ice tea...even tho its making me hit the bakspace a lot. thank u jenny for telling me. did yall kno jennys my BEST friend and i LOVE her more than life itself...id rele die without her. ne way i hope kessler gets out and dont get jail time for this shit...i rele rele rele rele love him more than ive ever allowed myself to ever love ne guy even ppl in my family..ive opened myself to him like i have for no other guy and i just hope its not a big mistake. I LOVE WAYNE LYNN KESSLER 4 EVER!!! | | |
| Hey all u ppl in the wonderful world my lifes a mess. Ive not even been at my moms for a week. I left my dad and came to live her on saturday. I had to leave behind everything i kno and love and im a wreck. I can go see everyone this weekend but iuno cus my moms pulling a guilt trip on me and it sux. I just want to go bak and rele get to say goodbye...everything happened too fast. I feel so alone here. Im living with ppl who kno me but dont rele and i dont rele kno them. I miss jenny A LOT and i miss Kessler. Saturday is me and kesslers 3 month and i rele wanna just go bak and finally be happy...i havent been happy since ive been here and i kno it sux to have me around when all i do is mope and want to go bak. I kno that if i go bak and get some time to just breathe (which it feels like i havent since i left) then ill come bak better....ready to start living here...but the longer i go without my proper goodbyes the longer im gonna piss and moan about it. Im rele tired of cryin myself to sleep. My mom keeps puttin kessler down and comparing him to my dad....i kno him and hes not my dad. She says im just blind but i kno...i kno he loves me and i kno that she can try all she wants and bring as many "hott" guys over that she wants i love him and im not giving up on him ever. I have the cutest lil brother in the whole world...did i meantion that?? hehe yay. My mom is convinced i am severly depressed and is tryin to put me on meds...she also has it in her head that shes gonna take me and put me on birth control....wut do i need that for?? i cant see kessler...she said u never kno and i said i do...i DO kno that i wont be with anyone but him no matter wust she thinks. I thought id love being able to do wutever i want but it just makes life less fun...the whole point in doin all that shit was that it was wrong...its the only thing that gave smoking and shit the thrill...now i can have it whenever i want and my mom buys the ciggs and shit....oh and here i cant smoke in public cus u cant smoke til ur 18...end of discussion. It SUX here!! I love my mom and my brother and jessica but its still just not the same and i dont want new friends like my mom says...i want my old ones bak...i want my old life bak...i HATE my father for this. I dont care wut my mom says i will NEVER forgive him for this. Well ppl im gonna go now cus i have to leave soon. Loves to everyone. | | |
| Ok its been a while since ive updated so im not even gonna try and hit on everything ive missed. Pretty much i left for West Virginia wit jenny and stopped updating. Ive been with Kessler for two months now...im tryin to get preg too. My dad found out about him and flipped out...i threatened to leave and yea a bunch of shit like that...hed never let me leave..he needs me too much. This all happened a long ass time ago but its important enough to tell ya about. Oh and my dad hit me a few days later cus he found out my mom called cus my dumb ass forgot to erase her off the caller i.d. and he kicked me so hard into the door that it knocked the wind out of him and left a big ass ugly bruse. Which leades me to today where when he tried that shit again i told him he wasnt gonna touch me ne more...i told him that im sure the skewl would love to know about it since they are on the whole anti abuse thing rite now. He made me get on my hands and knees and scrub my carbet cus its dirty. And now im basically gettin punished for standing up to him, but oh well life goes on. Im rele stressed out lately wit skewl, my dad, and kessler. Kesslers a rele big problem. Hes getting into trouble like non stop and thinks that a kids gonna make it all better. Hes still treating me like shit...i dont kno wut else to do to make it stop. And nothing feels like it used to. In the beginning everthing was fun and great...even when we were just sitting in his car...now i NEVER go anywhere. I only see him when he comes here and he just sleeps and we fight all the time...and iuno i just cant get control on the way this relationship is goin...maybe im just being stupid but it feels like its unravelling and i cant do ne thing about it. But there are those times when hes rele sweet to me like when he wrote i love you all over me in silver sharpie cus i was mad at him (he even wrote it on the bottom of my foot, hehe that tickled). Then there are times when hes such a dick like when he basically told me not to find him one day in Ltown and the other night when he fucking stormed out of my house all pissed off without even sayin bye or ne thing just cus i wouldnt let him borrow my fucking car cus my neighboors are watching me for my dad then, as always, just acted like it was nothing and nothing happened...i HATE that. I think thats one of the reasons we arent doin good. He doesnt talk about ne thing real....and i need to talk and work thru shit and he just wont give me that...the only time we talke is cus im crying or something. I wish i could just poof and make him change but sadly i fear i must just try and just deal with it. And i feel unwanted lately...and i need to feell like he wants me cus after all he is my bf and weve only be goin out for two months and if hes gettin tired of me now id hate to see us in another two months. Aw im so glad cowboy got jenny tonight so but im gettin tired of him and his shit...like fucking going the long way to my house when i rele wanna go home tryin to get lucky which AINT gonna happen. Well i think im goin to go to bed now...im done ranting for the time being. | | |
| Wow its been a while so i prolly will miss some shit that happened. Well i went to the carni everyday with Kessler. Kessler spent the night at my house twice. The friday night i was paranoid about it so we gave the car to Chris Wagner and he was supposed to pick us up before he went to work so we could go with him and get the car bak (he agreed to take it cus he needed a way to work). But my dumbass got up when the alarm went off at 4 45 but i when i laid down to try and wake up Kessler i fell asleep again (it would have helped if i hadnt just gone to be at 3 30. I didnt get up again til 6 10 and by then it was too late so i just let kessler sleep and we had to walk 5 miles to go get it in the fucking heat. By the time we go to Halls i was pretty much gettin ready to pass out. I can walk that far no problem but the heat fucked me up big time and when i got my water at halls i drank it way too fast and gots a tummy ache  We got the car bak from Wagner then went to Jennys since i told her id pick her up that day. Her mom passed us on the road so i thought shed be gone for a while but she got there about a min after we did. She went and woke Jenny up and we all left after Jenny got her shit and quit bitching cus i woke her up (i got about 2 and a half hours of sleep). We went to jeremys to give him a cigg and Kessler talked to him forever while me and jenny sweat out asses off in the car...i was mad i had to get even more hot after that long ass walk. Then we went to the mall and got energy drinks (NOS rocks my socks!) and water guns. We wound up goin to get eric and running him to his god damn house so he could take a shower and we could sweat our balls off. Well i dont remember everywhere we went that damn day after we took Wagner home from work we just ran around everywhere taking ppl around and talkin to ppl. My boyfriend is a damn taxi service. We came bak here and got ready (my bf dressed me up like a ho but i wutever. We picked up Kyle and hes fuckin halarious so i didnt mind it. The water guns leaked in my purse making it look like i pissed myself after i had it on my lap. We went to carni and shit and just goofed off until like the end when the fight happened. Ok so apparently my monkey (Kasey) pushed his girlfriend down (Nichole Flickinger) and Tiffys mom called Jeremy and Eric to take care of him. Of course Kessler went with them along with a bunch of ppl and i didnt kno wut the hell was goin on all i saw was them stop and take off running. I could keep up so i just stopped...of all days for me to wear those damn shoes. Me and Jenny wound up having to get Cowboy Bob to take us home (that guys fucking awesome he had no problem with it wut so ever...dont think it hurt that i was mad at Kessler for running off to get in a fight, i didnt kno wut was goin on so at the time i was rele pissed, and i was tellin the cowboy i was gonna dump Kessler and go out with him and fuck him and all this shit). Well i kept calling Kessler and when i finally got thru to him i was balling my eyes out and told him to get to my house NOW. Well he was takin forever and i got mad and told jenny to call him and he said he was at halls but he was takin way to long to get to my house so i called him again and he said he was on my road. Ok apparently i got him chased by a cop cus he was goin about 75 80 to get to my house and he had to dodge him. I was all set to dump him when he got to my house but he told me wut all happened and we just sorta worked it all out. He fell asleep at my house and wouldnt leave. He kept sayin he didnt wanna leave me alone and i was gettin pissed cus after all the shit that happened thats all i wanted...to be alone. Well i finally got him up abut then he wanted me to go to his house...and ive heard stories about his fucking mother. I told him no and he literally forced me to his car. We parked somewhere real close to his house and then walked to his house and he made me fuckin climb ups his roof and into his room....well we were just layin there and shit and rite as we turned out the tv and were about to go to bed his fucking mom walked in and was freakin the fuck out. Basically calling me a whore and him a worthless peice of crap. We got out of there after much bitching and bullshit threats (i NEVER wanna see that woman again..so of course she was at the carni that same day..yesterday). We left there and came bak to my house. Apparently his mom does that shit with everyone he brings home...and that she calls his friends druggies and shit and she favors Kevin (Waynes brother). Iuno its just rele fucked up and i wish he wouldnt live there cus whether or not shes addicted to her meds and will forget it in a few days dont matter i just hate how he acted after we left there...i dont like seeing him mad. He says that he did move out once but his mom kept callin him beggin him to come home and that his dad said she sat at the kitchen table every day balling cus of him. But i guess i cant be mad at him for takin that shit when i take my dads. | | |
| Not too eventful of a day. Jenny spent the night last night. Kessler was here most of the day and when jenny got here we got him to take us bowling but by the time we got to the alley it was closing in 15 mins. That SUCKED but oh well we stopped by mcdonalds and i must be rele jealous cus i could have sworn Kessler was staring at the girls in the parking lot. But oh well im jealous of every girl whos ever been with him and all the girls he knos who are hotter than me which is everyone in my opinion...i mean look at me for crying out loud. We came home and he left shortly after. I was beggin him not to go cus i felt rele shitty that day cus of the conversation i had with my dad the other night. I went so far as to cut myself because of it. I feel rele bad about it tho because i let down all the ppl who rele dont want me to do that ( i didnt have the heart to tell jenn wells i did when i saw her today cus she would be the most upset of all..the meantioned something about cutting and i just looked away cus i felt bad and couldnt look her in the eye knowing wut i did) but it seemed like the surest way to cure the pain i was feeling...i just kno that i can do that and it all slips away from me...all the pain on the inside...and the shit i have to deal with just dissapears and im left with aching gashes and a peaceful soul...a fair trade off i think but everyone doesnt like it...but i slept like a baby after that. I cut myself on my inner thigh thinking no one would see it...all i had to do was keep Kessler away. That didnt work tho cus when i called him and said i didnt want him to come over he didnt listen cus i didnt have a reason y. So i switched my plan to just keep him away from me and not do ne thing sexual so he would never see. But hes a horny boy for sure and sure enough ran his and over them and when i flinched asked wut was wrong and when i pulled the leg of my shorts down over em wouldnt let up on knowing wut it was...so i told him that my dog scratched me but when he saw it (he pinned me down cus i wouldnt let him look) knew i was lying and seeing him actually upset was so horrible. I felt rele rele bad. He gave me the usual lecture that ppl do saying hed kick my ass if i did it again...only i kno he would. I dont want to loose him tho cus i think, despite all my efforts, the guys growing on me. Im not supposed to get attached. I dont want another heart break....dont think i can take it. Living with out jason is hard enough and i was the one who let him go but sometimes i think it just makes it worse to kno that i could have him bak again and my life seems like itd be better like that but he hit me...and he promised hed never again..i should have let him go the first time but letting go of ur first and only love just isnt that easy. I want him bak everyday and it hurts so much to try and fight it. I love him and i prolly always will but if i do take him bak ill just hate myself so much for being like my mom and letting a guy get away with hitting me. I SWORE i would never let that happen and i let it happen time and time again for love....loves worth a lot but not my pride. So its for the best that i let my feelings for him dull under the hate i bear for him. If i have to become a cold hearted bitch again to block it out i will do so and i will never forgive him for it either. Seems like the only person my hearts safe with is Jenny. I dont kno wut id do with out her. Shes the ONLY person i can trust with my heart and the only person i can honestly say would never hurt me on purpose...shed never put me thru the pain others have and will. Shes my best friend and that will NEVER change. She might go find new best friends but ill never let go of her...id fight to the death to keep her with me. Id go crazy if i didnt kno i had atleast one good person to trust. Trust is a hard thing for me and rightly so. Wow i went way off topic there. Well jenny left around 3 today and then i tried to go bak to sleep but was woken up by my father screaming "CLEAN UR ROOM" at me so i did that then went bak to bed cus me and jenny stayed up til 7 and i just felt like this emotionally when i woke up and i had hoped it would go away in my sleep. I woke up at 7 feeling even worse so i wanted to see someone anyone to try and shake the feeling. I finally got things arranged so that my dad would take me to the carni (that suprised me) and Kessler would take me home...shhh wut my daddy dont kno wont hurt him. I went to the carni and walked around for a min or so and came across Liz. Blah could have done with out that. But i walked with her cus i was bored and didnt wanna walk alone...i deff not in the mood to be alone today. I left her when she met up with sara gilbert who said my nose ring was "hott"...duh  I found stackee and she was tryin to find chris...well when we found him I found kessler who didnt talk to me for a while even tho i was standing 3 feet away. The rest of the night was basically me following Kessler around and feeling SO out of place cus i dont fit in with his friends. I got rele jealous of the attention he paid to stackee...but then wut guy can ignore a double d? Blah i rele should make myself look better but for wut? The approval of others? No. If i do its gonna be for me...for the right reason. Ill never change myself for anyone. Kessler gave me a ride home after stoppin at mcdonalds and taking eric his phone...i told him id go cus i didnt wanna come home and be alone like i am now. He wanted to fuck me there but i declined considering it was already 11 and i rele didnt feel in the mood to even be touched let alone fucked in a tent in the woods behind someone elses house. He took me home. The end. P.S. I put the budweiser poster he got me on my door just waiting for a reaction from my pappy. hehe
~*i'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless
lost under the surface
i don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure
of walking in your shoes
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you
i've
become so numb
i can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
i'm becoming this
all i want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you
can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought i would be
has fallen apart right in front of you
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
and every second i waste is more than i can take
but i know
i may end up failing too
but i know
you were just like me
with someone disappointed in you*~ | | |
|
|
12:31 AM - email it
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cursor
by www.Soup-Faerie.Com
