I soak up your words like a sponge.

I, too, had some nasty experiences, growing up. That made me more determined to be better, to be good, to be the best person, mom, wife, sister, friend, etc, etc. I can be. Even the best daughter I can imagine, although it was my mom who inflicted most of the misery on me.

I never had suicidal thoughts.
I think because I know there is "someone" watching over me, protecting me.
Yeah, you know who I am talking about. I just feel I can not say it, since I have my doubts and questions at times, but no one seems to be able to help me or answer me.

Like I have no right to even consider talking about Him, or to Him...

But, your entries and words have made me think more and more about it.
Guess that is a start, huh?

I think that, in all honesty this is the best post I've ever read.  It's all SO true and I agree with you 100%.

We both know that people deal with similar situations differently and that's ok.  However we have to be strong enough to accept that bad shit happened (no, I'm not saying that whatever bad that happened is fair or that a person should ACCEPT the badness, just the fact that it happened), figure out how you're going to deal with it, learn from it and continue on with your life.  Personally, I could never commit suicide and while I think it's selfish to do, I feel bad for those that think it's the answer.

Another thing that I agree with is when you said, "that doesn't give me an excuse to go and be a mass murderer. It doesn't make it okay for me to molest children. It doesn't make it okay for me to go and rape women or beat my children or whatever."  Once a person reaches a certain age, they need to be held accountable for their actions.  If a person was raped at age 14, when they're 35, they know that it's not right...a traumatic childhood doesn't give the victim the right to perpetrate the crime.

It's just so sad that people that need help don't get it...and then it becomes too late.

Close post to me.

I think about suicide every moment of every day.  I have been since I was 13.  Not because I'm upset or things aren't going right.  Just because.

Last night I was wondering how it would feel to jam a pen into one side of my wrist and out the other.

I am going to stop talking about this now.  You have found a subject I wont open up completely about.

Another thought-provoking post, compadre.  I hate to see you put down the "bicycle-toting missionary" and the "bullshit words" of the prison chaplain, because they're probably doing the best they can, and they do reap some results.  But you're right...the trip away from existential despair and toward God and good is ultimately a journey we have to make on our own.  The spirit of God DOES meet us more than halfway if we're willing and sincere.

Having said that, I will admit that I've struggled with depression for over 20 years now, ever since my wife left me and took my one and only child.  After that it was a short trip to losing my health, career, house, and what little prosperity I had enjoyed.

I admit that to a certain extent I've lost my former focus on heavenly rewards, and have become obsessed with the things I do NOT have on this earth.  One of my theories is that, to have a modicum of happiness on this earth, we have to have SOMETHING positive going on in our lives.  Family is probably the most important thing, but maybe it's friends or a fulfilling career or even material prosperity.  When you have NONE of those things, the temptation to despair is strong indeed.

I have observed in the past that you seem to have gotten more than your share of second chances.  And at first blush it would be easy to say that you have triumphed over your existential angst with the aid of a loving wife and children, a decent career, etc.  But here you write that you began to come out of your despair BEFORE all that good stuff began to happen to you, with the aid of the spirit of God alone.  And that gives me pause....

My heart goes out tremendously to young people like Amelia above who feel such despair.  If I could give her the biggest hug of her life I would gladly do so.  If I could give my very life so that she could find happiness, it would be a small price to pay.

You're out here changing lives a little bit at a time, Miguel.  Thank you.

      Thank You

You've got great timing, Miguel.  I was thinking of suicide last night.

I have trouble avoiding suicide, unfortunately.  Partly because I've attempted before.  Partly because it's an automatic thought when things go wrong - "Shoes came untied, might as well kill myself."  Yes, it happens over such insignificant things.  It's one of the reasons I'm on meds.  I take pills every day to keep me from killing myself.  I want to attribute it all to being bipolar, to having a biological disorder that I can't do anything about.  I'll take pills for the rest of my life, however long that is.  At this time in my life, I'm not ready or really willing to accept God.  There has to be another way.  After 22 years of depression consuming me, with better pills and some therapy, there's got to be a way.  But honestly, I can't see myself dying any other way than by my own hand.

RYC:  YES!  You called and I can't thank you enough for your kind words.  When you are living on pins and needles waiting for an answer, it can become a bit depressive, especially when you are looking at your kids knowing that if you don't get what you NEED they will suffer.  I couldn't thank that principal enough last night.

Now about your post...I can totally agree.  I grew up in a religous cult of sorts.  I had an abusive step-father and very, very cold family.  I was a victim of date rape at sixteen, pregnant by a married man by 19, married and divorcec by 21, pregnant again at 22, married at 23, divorced by 26 and then became a serious functioning alcoholic (I drank EVERY NIGHT)  that threw herself into countless numbers of partners and meaningless sex.   I put my life in danger with stupid pranks and driving drunk.  I was just on the brink of suicide.  I had a bottle of rum and a handful of prescription sleeping pills.  What stopped me?  The thought of my little girls walking into my room and finding their mommy dead.  How awful for them and how selfish of me.  So I took charge.  I sent my girls to live with their dad and I got the hell out of dodge...dodge being Norfolk, VA.  That place was poison for me.  I took orders to Guam, put as much distance as possible between and those that held me down.  It took four months, but I got myself clean.  I went to medical and got a psych exam and put on meds.  I quit clubbing, quit drinking.  I lost weight, began to exercise and then I met Miguel. Miguel made me want to be a better person, not just for him but for myself and my kids.  Before Miguel, I didnt' have any ambitions in life...I was just taking up space and breathing air.  I never would have challenged myself to go to college without his support.  This teaching thing...never would have happened  without him beside me the entire way.  I see in him the person I want to be.  God loves me, I know this, or I would have been dead a long time ago.  A person has got to want to change  before a change can happen.

I'm done preachin' now.

This is a message of HOPE!

I came from CynaraJane's. Very thought-provoking.

Reading your entry again. And my heart is hurting and crying over the picture of the little child, starving to death, and the buzzard, waiting for it.
Shit...sometimes life sucks and this world is so bloody depressing.
Wish I could save it all!!

Your kind words about me on Brad's site were very sweet. Thanks for that.

Hugs

Miguel,

As "powerful" as this post was [and I whole-heartedly agree, it is powerful], I can't be the only one who laughed at the pic of the kid getting shit on by the bird.

Great post.

RYC: Good point.  Rich people do tend to get hit up for freebies all the time.  But what would be the harm in sharing some of their good fortune with others?  They can still draw lines where it seems appropriate, lines that would be a little more humane than simply turning their back on their former friends.

Have a great weekend, Miguel.  Enjoy that beautiful family of yours!