ever so sweet?

i want to know how it feels to be loved. i've loved another with my entire heart but i never experienced it back.

all my life, i've never experienced real love. as i was growing up, i received it from my family of course but then my dad ruined that and broke my trust. i don't know what it's like to have parents that actually love each other. my family was so far away from me and my cousins were my best friends. i was always made fun of and never accepted by the neighborhood kids as well as kids in school. i really only had sarah, sam, and evan. i'm thankful for those three people cause now i basically call them blood.

going through stupid petty relationships of course i was young and would give my heart away to my boyfriend of a week. you somehow have to miss those sixth grade relationships. i began to learn from them and not to trust and give away my heart. eventually i found someone. it was my summer of sixth grade, summer 2003. i hated his entire guts the first time i met him. i thought he was such an attention whore. things started to change though and so my friend decided to set us up. she ended up going out with his cousin so it worked out. we of course broke up after the summer but he was my first kiss. he made me feel so special and gave me butterflies everytime i saw him. i was so ecstatic that we were in sister communities in m.e.m.s. and i bothered him a little too much. the summer after seventh grade came and again we decided to go try things again. everyone would talk about stuff we would do and i would deny it. it's stupid and i admit to doing a lot of stuff i shouldn't have been doing in 7th grade. he had treated me so badly but of course would run back to me as i would to him. it was definitely not my favorite times with him. we broke up yet again before my eighth grade year and his freshman year but remained talking. i went out with this kid on and off but it didn't really last but i'll get back to that later. end of that year, we got back in the summer. he treated me like gold. he did everything a guy should do. those stupid little chainletters, "what guys should do" would explain exactly how he treated me. he was the sweetest thing ever and treated me the way i wanted to be treated. i lost it to him and people of course made fun of me cause maybe he's not the best looking or maybe he's not the smartest or funniest but he had my heart and he always will have that special place in my heart. he showed me love. he showed me every single aspect of young love. it is a crazy thing to be so young but i was so happy to have shared those three years with him. we ended up staying together for another two months but breaking up over stupid stuff. i was devastated. i took it all for granted and at times treated him horribly. if i could take it back i would. i'm not even exactly sure why i did that. i just knew that he was the one for me and i'm so happy to say that i experienced true love with him. you never really live until you love and it's so true. i've matured so much from that relationship and i've learned so much. we no longer talk on account of, he doesn't wish to speak with me any longer.

if your reading this, thank you so much for all the times. you have taught me so much and i'm so fortunate to have spent them with you. you will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart and i promise you that. i know how you say how much you hate me and won't even look at me but i know that this didn't just diminish within you. what we shared couldn't just be wiped from your mind or your heart.

after being in a relationship with another boy for 9-10 months it's been so different. things of course started off well and i went out with him also in eighth grade which is the other person i was talking about before. it was never anything serious. he proved that he had loved me enough before we went out so i said "i need to stop being scared of things that are good for me." we were so good for the first 5 months and then things began to get rocky. i cheated on him but i admitted it to him. i learned so much though from those few months and he doesn't understand or trust me. he is really the only person i want. i hate when guys hit on me because i don't want them. when your in love, you just get to a point where you don't want anybody else. you don't even wanna look at anybody else cause your just so in love and comfortable with the other person that you don't wanna jeopardize or ruin what you have. ever since i have arrived at manalapan it's been all downhill. it makes me want to leave and me saying that, a lot of people will want to kill me. i'm not the jealous type to get mad if he's talking or says hi or whatever. i just get mad if they're flirting or they start shit with me. i never understand why he can hug or he can pay attention to other girls but not me. i want to have my hand held. i want a hug or a kiss before class. i want him to see me from down the hallway and grab my waist and hug me. i don't want him to feel embarrassed of me or something cause i don't look or act like a lot of girls cause i'm definitely not good-looking and i admit it. i want him to treat me like we were together for 10 months not that i'm just some random girl who walks with him in the hallway. i wish i could tell him, i'm just so scared. i hate communicating cause i know it's gonna turn into a fight. i want to feel his love. we were at a concert and he just held my waist the entire time during my favorite band and it's just the best feeling in the world. we were together so long but he gave me butterflies. i never thought that i could truly love someone. i never thought i could get butterflies so far into the relationship. i want TRUE LOVE. i don't know what it is, if he's embarrassed or if he doesn't want me then i just wish he would tell me.  i just want to know. i love when it's me and him. i love laying down with him and just listening to his heart beat. i wish that he could treat me like we're actually together. i truly do love him.. i really really really do and i hope he does too. he gives up so easily on me and i've been trying and trying to just make things work. i don't mean to fight with him, i really don't. i just get upset. i cry every single day. i wanna burst into tears. i  love you so much baby.