I'm going to lose 10 pounds for my boyfriend...he knows he wants me to. I want to be irresistable to him. His last girlfriend was fat and then she became ana and lost some weight. I dont want her to look better than me. He calls her fat and she's not thaat much bigger than me i dont think, who knows. But still....10 pounds..here i go.

I've been so depressed lately...so much shit has gone wrong in my life. From relationships, to simple situations, to things with my parents...

Sometimes i wonder what happened to the old me and where it disappeared to...I feel like im a completely different person than i used to be. I wonder if that's normal...

Countdown: 10 POUNDS TO GO

well, who fucked up?

ME!

ughh, i thought i was going to die today, i smoked soo fucking much and hadnt eaten in 2 days,i was straight up out of it. so i went out to eat with my boyfriend but also walked like 2 or 3 miles. i didnt eat that much, but then i binged when i got home blaah i hate that..

fuck.

swimming w/my boyfriend and the boys tomorrow. im gonna look like a fucking fat ass, yay!

<3 Kess

Yesterday went really well I guess..

my only consumptions were:

-water

-diet coke

-captain morgan

-cigarettes

-caffiene pills

-vitamins

-gum

---------------------------

but because it's been a while, my body is exhusted and not used to this...i was so frustrated and easily ticked off yesterday. i just need to do better at hiding things i think. my boyfriend kept touching my 'love handles' and i was soo uncomfortable. he's like wtf why does it bug you at certain times and not others? but i think when i take ana actions, that's when im most awarre of my imperfections and that's when im the most insecure about them because i want to change them. i told him they were doing to be gone and i was going to start working out and shit because i hated how i was now. he said, watch your body turn all anorexic looking and you still not feel like it's good enough... that was awkward and i just looked away like i didnt hear him. aand he's like if i see that you're getting too skinny or w/e then im gonna make you come to mcdonalds everyday with me and eat a double cheese burger, blaaaaaah(im a vegitarian and he knows that). ah i need to hide out or somet hing but im constantly around people 24/7. grrrrr.

so today im supposed to make lunch with my boyfriend...i was okay about it yesterday, but today im not even hungy and the thought of food makes me want to puke. maybe i'll cook for him or something, if he lets me..? but right now im supposed to clean my room, clean the living room, workout, and shower...so i gotta get my move on........

stay strong everyone...dont give into temptations, even if it does seem 'normal'. dont give yourself any slack because when you do, you slide further and further away from your goals. to succeed, you gotta go all the way.

<3 Kess

summer lifestyle

So it's summer already..i cant believe it! And once again im resorting back to my old ways of life for security. Even though im so unbelieveably happy right now with my relationship and the people and events in my life, i still cant help but feel this utter hole, an emptiness deep inside of me. I secretly hate myself every second. I wish for once i could be completely happy with myself, body annd mind. So once again i need to go back to my ana ways to fulfill all the insecurities and holes in my mind. 

...Sometimes i picture myself at this time where i was at last year in my life and realize that i should be there again. But then i also picture myself being so horribly miserable last year and all the shit i went through deep inside of me. I picture myself walking down that same path and having the exact same feelings, which pretty much scares the shit out of me considering i know what's coming up next each step of the way.

I kind of feel the urge to get away and do anything and everything for myself for a deccent amount of time. I feel like im stuck in a life that's constantly surrounded with people and being with people and making everyone else but me satisfied with me. I need to feel like I, myself, am happy. I need to take time to be alone, to process my own thoughts, to do whatever the fuck I need to do with my life to make me happy. I know I sound kinda selfish, but there's no other way to fix things other than simply taking steps like that to get back on my feet. Because if you look at it, honestly, in the end who're you left with in life? Yourself. So I might as well make an effort to better how i feel about myself.

But for now, bettering myself means losing weight, working out, having alone time, an empty stomach, feeling thin, being confident with my body, and being satisfied with both my body annd mind. This all takes tons of work. But I think im ready for this mission. Overall it can only take me to better places in my life.

So let's get to it...

<3 Kess