XxJillyBeanxX's Xanga

Marriage and babies...

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 00:04:15 GMT

Being pregnant in 90 degree weather sucks. When I first found out I was pregnant, I remember thinking, Oh, I can wear all those cute little maternity dresses in the summer! I think I own 1 maternity dress and I definately feel less than 'cute' when I wear it. It's kinda funny because everyone seems to love my belly but me. I mean I love the little guy inside my belly, don't get me wrong. But I think it's amusing that everyone seems to think the pregnant girl is so adorable...everyone except the pregnant girl. Everyone at work is like, "Oh you're so beautiful, cute, etc." and I just feel like a giant toad. hahaha *sigh* 4 weeks left and counting...

On a different note, one of my best friends is coming in from Chicago tomorrow morning. She's only staying for a couple of days but she can't make it to my baby shower so she's makin' a special trip to spend 2 whole days with me!! I can't wait...I haven't seen her in close to a year now! It's amazing how time and friends get away from you...

Speaking of...3 of my friends are getting married soon too! I think one's getting married end of September, one in December and the other one in October. (Congrats Gill, Danielle and Karen!! I love you guys!) I can't believe how grown up we all are! Seriously! Well, just because we do grown up things like have babies and get married, I guess that doesn't necessarily mean we act like we're all grown up...

Losing it...

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 03:44:32 GMT

If anyone was wondering how to lose friends or how to instantly become the oldest person of your age group or the one nobody calls anymore...just get pregnant! I mean it...it's guaranteed to work every time.

I realized this was going to be difficult in and of itself but I never imagined all the outside extra things that were going to make this even harder and I haven't even had the child yet! I thought this was supposed to be the happiest time and once people got over the initial shock of it, they would be supportive and helpful. I didn't realize it was going to feel this lonely. I know, I know it's just the hormones talking...and while that is quite possible, it doesn't make my fears and feelings any less real. If your boyfriends parents/siblings/friends are more interested or more excited about the other child, it puts a slight damper on your happiness. I mean it's great if your family is supportive, helpful, excited, etc. But it's like there's this complete other half of him that I can't touch. Like a whole other life thats inaccessible to me. And I often find myself wondering what I've done and will I ever be able to deal with his "other life". I have let this bug me for so long and I have lived with it every day so far that it just feels normal to acknowledge it every day, hate the situation every day, pray for the strength to get over it every day, maybe cry a little and then move on...every day. It's like this extra weight I just have to deal with and lug around. But it's beginning to break me down and wear me out. I am so exhausted, so hopeless and so fucking angry that I feel like I could explode if I had the energy. I'm on autopilot, just going through the motions of every single day and not getting anywhere. Don't get me wrong, I love him and I love my baby, but I feel like a little part of me crumbles and breaks every day and I don't know how much more busted up I can get before I completely break down.

I don't care...this will always be funny no matter how old it is!!!

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 02:39:09 GMT

THE POOPIE LIST

(Don't deny it...you know exactly what I'm talking about here...)

Ghost Poopie: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie: This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Gassy Poopie: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
Drinker Poopie: The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Lincoln Log Poopie: The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Corn Poopie
Self-explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie: The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie: It smells so bad your nose burns.
The Surprise Poopie: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!
The Dangling Poopie: This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

The "Porridge" Poopie
The type of poopie that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

The "I Think I'm Turning into a Bunny" Poopie
When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

Happy June!

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 00:59:24 GMT

Alright it's been a hot minute since I've written anything so lemme see what I can come up with.....

I'm taking a break from my painting project...I decided a few days ago that I was gonna paint the dresser and shelves my gramma gave me for the baby room...and it's taking me forever! First of all the furniture is painted this antique white color and I wanted to paint all the drawers baby blue. This ended up taking two days and two coats of paint. Not to mention the fact that I had to take all the handles off of the drawers and screw them back on when I was done...I have two drawers left and I'm not sure I have the will power anymore.

Ryan's at work for the night (well until about 11ish anyways). He hates his job so much and I feel awful. I mean, he wasn't entirely happy at Friday's towards the end but it was never this bad. Plus, at Macaroni Grill they are so anal about the uniform, it drives me crazy. His shirts have to be ironed and starched every day...yes, this is only a serving job. But he does seem to make good money there and I think that's the only thing keeping him there. Well that and the fact that he has to have a job. It makes me feel even worse when he sucks it up and goes every day and I go into my job for a few hours at a time. Or, like today, I went home yet again because I was feeling like shit. This is probably the second or third time I've left work early because I started feeling all dizzy and nauseous and shit. I know, I know, I'm pregnant...but sometimes I feel so useless. Because I get tired all the time or I'll be feeling fine than all of a sudden I feel like I'm gonna puke or whatever. I think I need to take it slower...but then I'll feel even more useless. God help me when I go on maternity leave. I already feel like a giant waste of space most of the time....I can only imagine how I'm gonna feel when I'm not working at all.

*sigh* I think I worry too much....

It's a small world after all...

Thu, 18 May 2006 00:06:21 GMT

So as if the whole scene in the waiting room yesterday wasn't wierd enough.....Ryan and I ordered pizza tonight from Papa John's right down the road. And our pizza delivery guy turns out to be none other than....the potty mouth irate guy from the doctor's office yesterday! No shit....I almost lost it when he came up to the door. Ryan, however, wasn't nearly as amused by the whole thing as I was. It is indeed a small small world...

Never a dull moment

Wed, 17 May 2006 03:29:58 GMT

So I had another doctor's appointment this morning (at the buttcrack of dawn I might add) and guess how much I weigh now....well keep in mind that I'm used to weighing around 120 and all the weight's in the belly (at least that's what everyone tells me, but really I think I might be getting back fat)...go ahead guess......

140 lbs! I almost fell off the damn scale. But apparentely for being 5 1/2 months along thats completely normal. Other than that it was quite uneventful...except we were there for 2 1/2 hrs (they were understaffed, apparentely). But we weren't the only ones waiting...the waiting room was so packed, people were sitting on the floor. And this one couple got so irate at how long they'd been waiting, the man got up and started screaming at how "f***ing unprofessional" the hospital was and how "damn inconsiderate their stupid asses" were....it got real ugly and awkward. Especially because there were at least half a dozen kids in the waiting room too. Everyone just kinda avoided eye contact w/ the crazed man and his extremely masculine woman as they stormed out. It was pretty damn scary, really. I mean I half expected them to come back packing heavy artillery and shoot up the place....all because they had to wait. I was practically praying they didn't call my name before theirs because I value my life and the life of the little guy in my belly. People never cease to amaze me.

So then, after over an hour of waiting I finally get to go back. Once again, I am waiting but this time in a little room for a good half hour and then this med student comes in and is talking to me. I tell him about my back pain (sciatica, its called) and he's like "well I can try to loosen your back up for you". I'm thinkin free back massage, hell yeah so I say, 'go ahead'. He proceeds to twist my legs, my back, my hips until I finally just say 'oh yeah thanks, I feel a lot better' even though all I wanted him to do was stop twisting me for the love of God! So I make a joke about how now I have an excuse to tell Ryan to rub my back (which he does anyways....because I'm spoiled and he loves me) and the med student leaves. Comes back about forty five minutes later (at which point I've fallen asleep on the exam table) with a real doctor who loudly berates the poor med student right in front of me because he didn't tell me anything about what to expect at my next appointment and because he didn't measure my stomach and for half a dozen other things. You could hear a pin drop. Very awkward. So when the doctor goes to measure my belly he asks the med student where my pubic bone is. The med student looks blankly at my crotch (mind you I am completely clothed...this wasn't one of those appointments) and points to a spot. "No", the doctor says "it's right here" at which point the 'here' is punctuated by a sharp jab to what is indeed my pubic bone. I scream 'ow!' and sit upright so fast, I almost head butted the med student. "Oops...sorry" the doctor replies. 'Uh, it's ok...you're not going to do that again are you?' was all I could reply. As I was limping back out to the waiting room after my visit I just kept thinking, wow, I hope he's not the one who delivers my baby.

Remember me?

Fri, 05 May 2006 00:10:32 GMT

Alright after almost 4 months of posting nothing, here goes... I need to catch up, I think. As of today I am 5 months, 1 week and 4 days along in my pregnancy. Ryan and I just found out last week that we're having a little boy! You can see his little boy parts in the ultrasound photos they took...quite funny, really. We're still debating over names though...this proves to be an extremely not so easy task. How do you even begin to choose a name for someone that he will have the rest of his life? Not quite like naming dolls when you were younger...this time it's for real!

Our apartment in Barberton is working out pretty well. Aside from the toilet paper holder and the railing to the basement steps, everything seems to be holding together fairly decently. I can tell you right now though, by the time our lease is up next February, we'll be ready to get the hell out of here. Ryan and I can look back on this as a nice first apartment, but lets hope everything else after this one gets better and better. It's got 2 bedrooms, which works out well. The baby room's full of misplaced furniture and shelves with a few baby supplies. My mom's gonna help me find some kind of order to that room here in the next couple of months. The shower's probably gonna be beginning of August so we'll have to get organized before then.

I'm still waiting tables and now that I'm beginning to show, the tips have gotten increasingly better. lol Probably because customers see the belly and no wedding or engagement ring...I let them make their own assumptions. Ryan finally got another job after being laid off about a month ago. Talk about panic. He was putting in applications everywhere...must just be a difficult time to find a job? At any rate he found a serving job...a little bit more fine dining than he's used to and he's not entirely sure he likes it. I have to iron and starch his work shirt everyday...it's kind of ridiculous...but hey if it makes the money I don't care if he has to wait tables in his boxers! 'Course then it'd be a whole different kind of "serving" job, wouldn't it?

Well thats all thats new for now......I'll tell ya more when I got more!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 10:32:25 GMT

How much fun is it to learn about new people? To learn their stories and find out who they were before you ever knew them?? I'm having so much fun just doing this! And completely learning how great it feels to finally feel like you can trust again...or begin to trust at least. It's kinda funny how you're greatest support system are the people who you never thought were like that. Sometimes people surprise you...and I'm always up for surprises!!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 14:52:10 GMT

It sucks when you have to find out who your true friends are the hard way. I think I'm too trusting of a person...and it always gets me hurt and angry and frustrated. I mean, along the way we gain friends and lose them, that's just part of life. But I don't understand why someone would intentionally hurt me knowing I'm still trying to piece my life back together. I'm not completely whole myself at this point in my life, so why would someone choose to break me even more? I just wonder why people don't think before they act...I mean, just maybe think about the people and friends around them and how their actions can destroy a person's faith in the basic goodness in everybody. I've been honestly trying to surround myself with good people. With people who I know love me and care about me. But you can never be sure about anyone. So is it just better to let them make the effort? Let them try and earn your trust and test them before they can hurt you first? Yet at the same time, how are you ever gonna know whether that person truly cares about you unless you let them in? Sometimes it feels like people seek out the ones who are broken just to break them even more. And maybe it's just me but that's just seems intolerably cruel.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 01:54:15 GMT

New location, new address, new city...so incredibly far away from my friends and everything I'm used to. I guess sometimes you have to venture that way to feel safe and secure. It's such a shame though. I miss everyone already and I'm not even totally moved in. Just trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together so everything makes sense again. And then hopefully I can forget a lot about the past year or so. But not the parts that taught me extremely valuable lessons. Which, I might add, I have not even remotely figured out what was learned but I'm sure eventually I'll look back and say "It's a good thing I at least know that now". When I have those revelations, I will let you know...