Still Kickin, well, sort of, well at least i'm tryin... I think.

I have been lost within my problems lookin for the wrong answers to the questions that plagued me, I fought with people for no reason in order to get what i wanted, or at least what i thought i wanted, but one person never let me down, she never let go no matter how much i fought with her, she always was by my side even when bad news arrised, and i thank her for that, jessica, without you, i would have gone crazy and lost it, but you were on my mind and you were my answer to my problems, you are the one who truly helped, and i thank you, for everything, i'm sorry we ever fought and i'm sorry everything between us was bad until recently, when i realized that i loved you, jessii, i love you, i really do, and i hope that one day you'll be mine, i hope that one day i will be that guy you call your Boyfriend.

 The way i have fallen in the last couple of months has taken it's toll on me, i have no more strenght left in me to fight for what i want to fight for, my emotions have finally fallen and i have no more will power in me to go on, i can barely sleep let alone go through each and every day without holding myself back from hurtin someone (ahem* my Boss ahem*), i spaz out and i can barely control my shakes on which my body exibits more often than usual, i cry on the inside but hold it in on the outside, i want to break down, but if i do, i kno i will end up in a hospital, and i don't like hospital's, no matter how much i want death to come for me, it doesn't mean i like the smell of it, i have lost those who were close and all i can feel about it is total numbness, all i can feel at all is total numbness, but within all the numbness i feel so much hate and darkness within me, i feel alone and unwanted (and i can blame a few people for that, well maybe one) but what does it matter about what i feel anymore, if it didn't matter when i was born, it won't matter now, and not when i'm dead.

Please tell me, why is it that i try to show you how much i care and you push me away, i say i love you and you respond with silence, as if it didn't matter anymore, as if i had nothing else to prove, i try my best to hold together and yet you break me apart, i've fallen a thousand times into a thousand pieces, and yet everytime i pull together, my body slips into a trance where calmness overwhelms me and i can look foward to seeing your beautiful eyes again, your smile, your love,...or at least i hope, i should be the last person standing here with hope within them, i've gone through things that i thought i could never go through, and as i try every night to stay strong and not give up, i wake up weaker and unable to look forward to anything anymore, all i ask is for someone that i love who can love me back, and you may be that only girl, no matter how many times i try to forget you, i can't, my heart won't let me, one whole year, i've loved you, and yet when i try to prove it to you... you hurt me and break me apart... again.

-Noodles-