Remember whan xanga used to be soo popular!?

Then myspace kinda came along and knocked it out. lol.

I really used to love writing in this xanga.

Writing is so dear to me.

Its one thing a actually truely 100% enjoy.

Although I must admit that I am a much better writer when I actually have a purppose to write, or a message to get across.

I dont write as well when I am so completely happy. and content.

Although there have been a few things on my mind lately.
And since no one reads these anymore I cuz I can just let it all out.

Why is it that a friend I have truley considered a really good friend to me for years, is NOW, and only NOW friends when an ex that abused me. I mean truely physically abused me.

She hated him when we were together. But nowshe leave him comments on his myspace telling him what a cutie he is.

Thats not even the real problem.

The problem is, she is friends with a guy that hurt me, pysically as well as emotionally.

I would never ever even think about being a friend with someone that ever laid a hand on her- if that were to ever be something that happend to her. So why is she? How can she even stand to talk to someone knowing how bad that person hurt  me. I think it would make her sick.

I just dont get it sometimes.

I wont say anything to her.

But maybe she just doesnt consider me a true friend.

Cuz I dont think true friends would do that.

AH WELL!

=]

Whew.

I only write in here to bitch, or to vent. Its been almost a year.

So much has changed in my life.

So much.

Too much, I honestly dont even know where to begin.

Ill sum in up in a few words. Short. Brief. and to the point.

Im home.

Me and AJ broke up.

2 year restrining order put on him by me for assult.

New boyfriend.

Same job.

I have not written anything in a long time. Kinda makes me feel like a part of me is missing when I dont write. When I write, I feel whole, at peace, calm.

Things with Nick are amazing. But I have my times where I doubt. Or feel uneasy. Or question. Or way overanalyze things. I think too much.Why do I always have to break everything up and analyze everything? It drives me mad.

I dont really know where my life is taking me. But i feel unfullfilled. Can I just feel whole again?

Why do people say they love each other?

I dont think people should really say that - unless they know, without a shadow of a doubt that they love that person. Can a person really love someone after only a month?  of even 6 months, a year? Do you really honestly know who that person really is, EVER? Do we even know who we really are? How can we claim to know who someone really is, when we ourselves are still trying to find ourselves.What makes another person really love another person. What makes them so sure that it is really love? Not lust, or infatuation or some other decietful form that brings two people together.. But pure, real, love.

Innocence.

Love isnt really love if is driven by some other motives. Some hidden agenda. Or wishful thinking.

Have I ever really had that myself? I like to think I have. But, maybe it wasnt. Maybe it was me hoping yo find it, wishing it, and trying to make it true.
I dont really know anymore.    

You cant find love if your looking for it. It doesnt happen that way. Love isnt forced.

Love isnt pretend, or some act.

True love, is loving yourself. How is it that people expect other people to love them when they themselves dont even love themselves. Take pride in yourself. Hold your head high. Smile, and wave hello to the world.

Do things that you can be proud of. Respect yourself

Love yourself first.

Its the only way.

Im on my way to figuring things out. Finding out what makes me really happy.

Im tired of living for everyone else.

Im on my way to fullfillment.

Then maybe, if Im lucky- Ill stumble onto love.

But Im in no rush.

Cuz this time around, I want it to be real.

Just.

Love.

...truths....

....like a dagger through my heart....