Baggage. I am definitely one to hold onto emotional baggage. And not only that, but I swing my bags around and put big bright bumper stickers on them alerting everyone that I'm saying, "Hey! Look at my baggage!!". I've been in a state of "I don't care what people think because I don't need to" for so long, that when I'm finally out of it I'm going to be in a state of panic. For so long I've held the notion, "Who am I trying to impress? I don't need to impress anybody". Now I may need someone or something, or some kind of strength, to hold onto.

I've never been alone long enough to become confident in being by myself. I have come to realize that I really am afraid of being [ultimately] alone. I really am. How am I going to do without someone who could listen to my problems without casting judgement on me or thinking that I lack any kind of strength? It scares me. I KNOW I'm not strong. I am so unstable on my own two feet, even when I seem like I'm not. It's like my legs are wobbly because I never learned how to walk on my own - I've always had someone hold my hand. And now the time may come where I need to walk alone, and I am so scared of falling into a dark abysmal hole of depression, insecurity, and regret.

Honest to God, I REALLY HATE BEING INSECURE. I know it turns most people off, but I can't help it! I am on the verge of tears because of how helpless I feel I am. God...why does the grass always seem greener on the other side? I fucking hate it. Hate it hate it hate it. I feel like I have emotional rickets, or some kind of emotional handicap (well of course I do - I'm on meds; why the hell don't I ever take them??!?). I just don't want to regress into the old helpless, depressed scenario of being 16 years old again. I thought I had moved on, but I only regressed back. I know my depression has relapsed after months of not taking my medication, and now it's ten times harder to deal (and to stay consistent on doing anything, especially meds).

I know I need therapy. But I can't afford it. Having someone was almost like an emotional crutch - the closest emotional therapy I have. I am such a baby! How the FUCK am I ever going to make it in the real world after being walked through everything for so long??? I hate myself for not being confident. I fucking hate lacking confidence. It kills me - I feel like I'm going to be crying everyday for weeks on end, woe is me. It was torture living that way once, and I do not intend on going through it again. At LEAST not with insecurities related to adolescence. I am should be mature enough to not worry about little insignificant things, and I shouldn't have to want a crutch when I know how bad it is to have one. I don't know. I don't fucking know anymore. I'm lost.

Cut me some slack. No one ever does. And if they do, excuse my paranoia - I'm mentally ill and trying to adjust!

Panicky. Too much stimulation...I feel better when I write. Only a little bit.
Is it the food I eat? Is it making me jittery? What is it?? I've looked up all these symptoms for anxiety disorders, and most aren't consistent with how I feel. Why do they ask these vague questions like, "Are you troubled by excessive worry, occuring more days than not,  for at least six months?" How the eff should I know?? I don't know - I don't remember anything like that. I just know I have a general form of anxiety that I experience every now and then. I know at least a few times in a month, at the very least. Then, there are your people that say, "Oh, they're just making it up and looking for attention - they're not legit". Bullshit I'm not! Why do I always experience some kind of not good feeling, every day of my life? It's become such a part of me that I find it strange not experiencing those comfortable feelings. So don't tell me I'm not legit.

I don't know. Maybe I have voices in my soul (because they don't necessarily speak to me in my head). What the FUCK is going on???? Gaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

I don't respond to stress well. At all. Would food be considered some type of substance abuse? Because I just ate a piece of candy (a Heavenly Hash egg) because it made me feel better. Not because I was hungry. And now I'm drinking some water so my system calms down after eating downing 23 grams of sugar. I know my eating habits have changed. I'm eating more, especially to make me feel better because I'm depressed; and my sleeping habits have changed too. I feel like I have so little energy on some days, then on others I feel so restless that I get really anxious if I'm not doing something (hint hint! ^ ^ refer to first paragraph). Now, I feel bad that I missed the chance to go to church. =(

I hate the whole, "If you really loved Jesus, you would drop everything you're doing, regardless of convenience, and go to church. Period". I know I should love Jesus that much to do that, but I feel like it's ridiculous when other people request it. I KNOW Americans can be lazy and so used to convenience, but hey, even for a good person stuck in this mess, it can be hard to get out of. It's freakin' Easter...I should have went. But I don't need some asshole preaching that I'm a lazy, unholy piece of crap if I don't end up going to church on a Holy Day of Obligation.

[Refrain from using the phrase, "My life is full of problems".] I am fully aware that everyone has their fare share of problems, but I sometimes feel like my life is ruled by them. I am sure many other people feel that way, so I guess they can relate. I just fucking hate it, you know? I have nothing to look forward to except my problems, I feel like. One after the other...nothing more; the same old thing, over and over again. But I feel like I have no right to complain, so I end up internalizing them...which doesn't help them at all! I want to know: What is this? Is there a name for this (what is this called?!)? Why do I keep pulling out my hair? What is wrong with me, and what the hell can I do about it?

Just please, someone help me. 

Why does everything have to mess up or go soooooo fucking slow when you need it least to be?? Like when you're fucking cranky as hell - I'm about to kill this keyboard and every fucking thing that doesn't work or aggravates me. Maybe I'll fucking type with the typos and proofread later - god fucking DAMNIT!!! WHY DO I KEEP FUCKING MESSING UP?? I WANT TO TYPE FAST, SO TYPE RIGHT BEFORE I LOSE MY FUCKING SANITY.

I feel like a fucking old cranky grandma who's about to kill something or awaiting death, because nothing makes me feel better right now. Except when things go right, because I am a god damned motherfucking klutz. I ABSOLUTELY HATE: Dropping things, typing wrong when I want to type fucking fast, when my god damned nails get in the way, when people don't take me seriously and won't leave me the fuck alone after I ask nicely, when I can't fucking sleep because PEOPLE KEEP FUCKING BUGGING ME TO DO SHIT WHEN I AM SO EFFING TIRED, spilling food, and FUCKING TYPOS WHICH I'M STILL MAKING.

I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. Seriously. I'm gonna fucking throw something in a minute if I don't beat the fuck out of this keyboard which keeps fucking making me mess up becaue of my (manicured) nails that are too damn long.

I am going to snap. Nothing makes me feel better - not sleep, not eating, not talking or hanging around people...the only things that make me feel better are typing right and typing fast, and moving around to get this anger out - BUT I CAN'T SINCE I'M TOO EFFING TIRED AND I WALK LIKE A CLUMSY OLD LADY AT THE MOMENT.

I'm gonna start crying if I can't do anything else. Call me a fucking baby, but I'm fucking sick, I'm not getting good sleep and when I do, it doesn't really help me, I hate how I look, I'm getting fucking fat, I hate my face and I want to change my hair and make it look more modern, but I have no fucking idea what I want because everything fucking looks bad on me, etc. I'm ugly, I have a short torso, I'm too damn dark, and I hate my figure and my face; and the fact that EVERYTHING on my body swells up during warm weather (especially my hands) which make me look more bloated and fat than I actually am.

What, do I have to be fucking anorexic again? Do I need to torture myself with constant exercise and making sure I only get about 800 calories a day? Why can't I fucking eat whatever I want and not gain weight? I don't eat too much shitty food and I eat good portions - so why does my body want to be fucking fat??!!!?!?!? Damn it all to hell. I hate my arms (and I really am about to THROW this keyboard 'cause I have to keep fucking backspacing!). I hate my skin 'cause it's so god damned bumpy, and I had a lovely little person tell me I look weird becase of them. Thanks, asshole - can I get any fucking worse?? Kick me while I'm down, won't you???

Yeah. I have you to thank for my shitty self esteem.

I wonder if I'm off my medication for so long, will I sink into my abysmal hole of depression/borderline until I become completely insane? I'll admit it - I'm too fucking lazy to look for my Prozac and take it (not to mention sort of afraid it will mess up my mood even more); but don't fucking criticize or lecture me because that's the LAST thing I need right now. I'm not fucking stupid - I can go do it on my own when I'm ready. So leave me the hell alone. I'm capable. People should know that by now after all the shit I've been through.

I'm so mad I'm about to fucking cry. I hate you!!
Fucking keyboard. I hate everything right now.

So...I don't know what happened. All I know is that I've been pissing everyone off lately. And staying up late. And eating more junky things (PMS, maybe?). And feeling like I've already sold my soul. I don't know.

Other than not taking my Prozac for over 2 weeks, I think I owe my problems to this:

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:

• Self-injury or attempted suicide
• Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours
• Impulsive behavior
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Feelings of low self-worth
• Unstable relationships with friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends

Borderline personality disorder was so-named because it was originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis. The disorder is relatively common, affecting 2% of adults. Women are much more likely to suffer borderline than men. Nearly 20% of psychiatric hospitalizations are due to borderline. With treatment, patients are often able to see their symptoms improve.

Treatment involves therapy in which the patient learns to talk through his or her feelings rather than unleashing them in destructive and self-defeating ways. Medication may be helpful, and treatment of any alcohol or substance abuse issues is required. Brief hospitalization is sometimes required, especially in cases involving psychotic episodes or suicide threats or attempts.

Credits

Take note, I really was diagnosed with this and dysthymia ( a type of depression ). It's written in black and white.

Psh. No one ever reads any of my shit anyway =). Maybe I do belong in the mental hospital, where everyone will accept me and we will all be one. I sure don't fit in with society and "normal" people! ;o

I really don't have too many high expectations - I'm a pretty laid back person. But when things don't go the way I wished them to, I can be a little irked to say the least, at certain times.

Everyone haaaaaaates meeeeee. Yup. I care except for one person...she can kiss my ass for all I care, but I want her no where near my ass. Or me for that matter.
Whorebag! =)

No one loves a psychotic. Do they? I don't have much proof.
Girls are pretty.
Except for the dumb ones who tan too much. Except for one girl, 'cause she's awesome.

Ramble night. I 'hate' my life. I can't fucking wait to graduate and get the HELL out of this town.
I would definitely like to go to Canada one day. 
And I'm thinking about cutting off my hair. But I don't know...what do you think?

I think Myspace is now the new Xanga.
Ah, well. I haven't written here in a long while - I've had nothing to say. Not that I've been completely content with life, but I haven't had the opportunity to write when I was in the mood to.

Oh yeah. Looking at my "Apply at Cane's!" flyer makes me think of how I probably didn't get the job there. (Let's just say MY FUCKING PHONE RANG during the interview, and I'll leave it at that without saying anymore negativity.) I don't think I'm "bubbly" enough to work at Cane's *sarcasm*. Fuck that. I think superficial qualities like "personality" (more like popularity) mean more than actual hard work, but whatever. Kirkland's pays a hell of a lot more anyway - mwahaha.

Also, I had these "anxiety attacks" for a few consecutive nights last week. So what do I do? I go on the computer to take my mind off all the things that were worrying me. So I log onto Myspace and find someone I haven't spoken to in almost 10 years, and I think, "Oh my God, I'm about to piss myself [at the unlikelyhood]!". I added her onto my friend's list, and she accepted. Then, I messaged her about a week later asking how she was doing...no response. Let me tell you that this was my best friend of over ten years ago that I was so happy to say hi to; you have no idea how much of a low blow it was for her to seem to not care or even be fazed that someone from long who used to be close to her was talking to her again.

I don't know. I don't know why I care so much. Maybe I cared for her well being because I was hoping she'd be ok after she moved away. I probably even sound strange. But it's like me to not have the best of friends.

Speaking of which...there is someone who I used to talk to who now seems like they are utterly disgusted by my presence and avoids me at all costs. Maybe I wasn't good enough for them because I'm not part of the "in crowd" who lives the "ideal life" of a highschooler. Well you know what? I don't want to belong to the "in crowd", and their "ideal life" isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm a hell of a lot better off living the life I have now. I'm happy [with it].

 The only thing I'm unhappy with right now is my effing "C" in fucking Art II. I haven't gotten a "C" in something in years - it's report card night and I'm just a tad upset. Fuck.