I haven't updated in a reallllly long time, but there's not much to say.

Shit sucks.

Loneliness sucks.

The end.

I hate boys, especially boys who lie.

I give up on this whole trying to find someone shit, because obviously it's getting me no where.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hate you. I hate you for giving me your number. I hate you for going to the movies that night and holding my hand and kissing me. I hate you for the long rides to new hope. I hate you for hating mara. I hate you for not liking all my other friends. I hate you for being a pervert. I hate you for being cute. I hate how As I Lay Dying was both our favorite bands. I hate how I used to go to the mall just to get you to notice me. I hate how I used to walk by your store 10000x I hate you for treating me to everything. I hate you for telling me you loved me. I hate you for for making me believe you actually loved me. I hate you for not coming to my grad. project. I hate you for telling me you wanted to marry me and be with me forever. I hate how you used to tell me you were glad to be with someone who was as obsessed with you as you are them. I hate how you used to light candles. I hate how we used to eat orange cream ice cream together, and how you'd always eat the orange and i'd always eat the vanilla. I hate how you and I used to splurge on Strawberry milk and stop at wawa at 12 a.m. just to get some. I hate how you always got me home late because we didn't want to leave eachothers side. I hate how I always had to make up lies to my dad. I hate how petey used to react so cutely when you blew on his head. I hate how you used to say "yum yum yum". I hate how you used to say "aw you're cute." I hate how you used to speed. I hate how I cried because I loved you so much. I hate how you cried because you loved me so much and you were scared of losing me. I hate all the presents you got me for my birthday. I hate how you helped me peel my sunburn. I hate how the night i got home from florida was the best night of my life. And I hate how it had to be with you. I hate you for getting me into the bled and murder by death. I hate how your friends were nice. I hate how you used to drink honey mustard. I hate how the only thing we ever really ordered when we went out to eat was chicken fingers. I hate how my grades dropped because I wanted to spend more time with you. I hate how you hated 30 seconds to mars. And all my other music. I hate how I got you into Underoath. I hate how you used to play that song that you made up on your guitar, and how I became so obsessed with it that I made you teach it so me. I hate how you were patient with me and my stupidness and kept trying to teach me guitar even though there was no hope. I hate how you had to do taxes, but I still came over so we could see eachother. I hate how you told me we'd go away. I hate how you were always there for me when I was going through shit with my mom. I hate how you always brought me chocolate and made me fat. I hate how I felt like I was more at home at your house than at mine. I hate how your family was so nice to me. I hate how we used to fall asleep in eachothers arms. I hate how you made me feel good about myself. I hate how you treated me to everything and never made me pay. I hate how you got me into orange cream things. I hate how you used to scream to the bled and from autumn to ashes and underoath. I hate how I spent my whole florida vacation missing you. I hate how you were the only thing that kept me going. I hate how the 5 months we were together were the best 5 months of my life. I hate how your lip rings were hot and how you used to play with them. I hate how you told me you'd never leave me. I hate how I told you to get the job at hot topic. I hate how I became distant from you. I hate how you were doing things behind my back. I hate how the day you broke my heart you started dating someone else. I hate how she got a job where I wanted to work. I hate how people think I have no reason to hate her. I hate how she knew you were with me but didn't say "STOP." I hate how you left me for her. I hate how you post on your my space about her and say " So this is what love really feels like." I hate how you make me feel like you used me and I wasn't important and I meant nothing to you. I hate how I cry every day because of you. I hate how I've become miserable because of you. I hate how everything reminds me of you. I hate how I barely eat because of you. I hate how you're so happy. I hate how every song. Ever food I eat. And everything I do reminds me of you. I hate how you don't even care that I'm rotting inside and out because of YOU. I hate how you were the first person I ever loved. I hate you for making me cry and not able to study for my finals. I hate how you're never going to read this because you don't know I have a xanga. I hate how I took the time to write this. I hate myself for trusting you with my heart, because you broke it.

You know, I ruined something that meant a lot to me  because I thought you were DIFFERENT. I thought you'd understand me and be there for me, but I was wrong. Very wrong. And now all I see is a jerk, who's just like all the other jerks I've ever laid my eyes on. If you think what Carl and I had was high school love, well look at us. We never even came close to reaching that level.

 I hope you're happy.

Nothing was supposed to hurt like this
Missing you was always one more kiss
Now there's nothing that I can do
One more nail in the coffin, and it's all for you.

Always were and always were a simple love story
You were everything I ever hoped and dreamed
Drown me in a pool of my blood
It’s getting harder just to breathe.

Today was good.

Stayed home from school.

Painted.

Went to borders with val.

Krispy kreme donuts.

Pizza.

Self check- out lines.

haha and OMG. There was this lady at borders who had serious issues. She couldn't sit still. And when she sat down, she sat in perfect posture. And she was young ish too, like in 20's maybe. But she would sit down and pretend to be reading when really she would look around but you couldn't tell because of her posture. And then a few minutes later, she'd get up and move to another seat at the same table. Then a few more minutes later she'd move to another table and do the same thing. And sometimes she'd go to the magazine isle and pick up a magazine and pretend to look at it but not really be looking at it. And she'd walk over to the cafe area. Put it down. Then pick it up, go back to the magazine isle, and do the same things. AGH.

Funnies thing I think I've ever seen.

I loveee val.

Lollerfest tomorrow?

Heck yes.

2 more weeks of hell.

I can't wait for it to end.

<3