Currently Playing Sunsets & car crashes By Spill Canvas see related

- Black Dresses - -

well its been a few weeks since all that stuff with Ryan happened.... but it feels like it was only yesterday, because the pain is still as fresh as could be. i really don't know how to describe the way i feel.... there are so many emotions running through me.... anger, disppointment, sadness.... i'm almost at a state of numbness....... but no matter how much i hate him for what he did, the way he made me think he cared, how he lead me on every day..... i would still run back to him in a second if he asked me to, i hate myself for that. everytime i see him i want to cry, he broke my heart, played me for a fool.... and i would let him do it all over again..... i'm pathetic...... i'm a smart person.... but when it comes to him...... i lose it all...... i'm at the mercy of his every whim. i know that he doesn't care.... i know that every night i  spend crying over him and thinking about him, he doesn't spend a second thinking of me...... i know that with every poem i write about him, he's not writing any about me..... but yet here i am, wishing he would want me and wishing that he would go back to just using me, because it's better than not having him at all..... nobody knows that i still want him, my friends all think that i hate him now, and they all hate him....... but God, what i wouldn't do to look into his beautiful eyes again, or touch his soft hair....... or even watch him play guitar, he's so damn beautiful when he plays..... he makes me want to cry every time.... i go to school with him, i work with him, and we have mutual friends.... so i mean it's so hard not to see him...... it kills me everytime he walks by, and i can't say anything, he walks bu like i'm not even there. the silence kills me, more so than the night he yelled at me and said all of those horrible things....... how can you hate someone so much, but love them even more?

Anyways...... i made a new xanga a little while ago, it's mostly for my poems and whatever, i might just start using that one insted of this one... i dunno yet.... so if you subscribe to this one (or if you don't), you can go ahead and subscribe to that one too... it may become my primary xanga.....  www.xanga.com/xxxburningeyesxxx

<-even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart->

i'm a fucking idiot..... i let myself be hurt again... i let him use me again..... i let him do whatever he wanted and did whatever he wanted.... but now that people know.... he denies it.... he lies and says i made it up..... "it never happened"...... he made me look like an idiot..... i thought he cared... but he just wanted what every guy ever wants..... he wanted to get fucked.... he didn't care about me or my feelings..... he didn't want to be in a reletshionship with me..... but stupidly i thought he cared..... i thought he wanted me for more than my body and what he could get...... i'm a fucking stupid slut...... i just wanted him to like me.........

this is a poem i wrote in school yesterday... its not very good or anything but i needed to get some thoughts out

<< Falling For The Last Time >>

Arms spread welcoming the impending nothing

You fall down as if God were delivering

Everyone watches on in horror

He is there to watch your inevitable death

This is his victory

This is your defeat

He never cared for you

Used you for his own sick pleasure

Now as you plunge down to the awaiting crowd, he is there with that smile on his face

There with that smile, you always thought it meant he cared

But was always there awaiting your self destruction

Thoughts of the times spent together run through your mind

It’s over now

You’ve fallen for him for the last time

But this time it hurt less

Because you knew it could never happen again

But that’s what you get for letting yourself fall in love

Currently Playing Clumsy [US] By Our Lady Peace see related

- 4 A.M.

WARNING

Before you make that first cut, remember--
You will enjoy this.
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily--
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will take sometimes months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live--
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.
Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting--
Cutting and covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."
And you freak out because the blood won't stop...
And you are gasping...
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone.
So you sit there alone...
Praying it will be okay--
Swearing you'll never let it go this far again...
But you will, and further.
Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts,
The deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips--
3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...
Betadine...
Antibiotic cream...
Medical tape...
Scar reducers...
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice--
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.
Someone who understands--
But of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe--
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots, gloves...
The list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way.
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it,
As your eyes scan their wrists arms.
Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood.
Scrubbing your bathroom floor.
Wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate,
Anything will be a cutting tool...
Scissors...a car key...a needle...a paperclip...even a pen.
Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch.
So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
You will dream about cutting.
You will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting--
At the same time you love it and can not live with out it.

God this is so true........ it always makes me feel less alone, and a little more "normal" whenever i know other people are thinking these things and going through similar stuff....... except they all seem to be people online..... i wish it was some one from around here that i could confide in....... but you guys are alot of help.... especially you Vicki..... i just wanted to say thanks for all your comments and help...... we may not know eachother really, but you seem to know me better than most people that i've known for years and that i see everyday..... so thank you for all your support!!!! :)

this entry is gonna be a lot of randomness.......

i haven't cut since that night..... believe me i've wanted to so damn badly...... i can see it in my mind...... it's like a fucking drug that is slowly taking over my mind...... i feel like an addict trying to get off heroin....... i wish one way or the other that i could just be happy..... not have these nagging feelings and thoughts of suicide in the bak of my mind, or taking over my thoughts all the time..... i wish that i was either alive and happy, or dead and not have to deal with this anymore..... i feel like this is an endless battle, and i'm never going to win...... i don;t want to live the rest of my life with the need to see my own blood in order to know if i'm still alive........ is happiness really too much to ask for??? i'm too tired to write anymore...... i have hardly slept lately... i'm sure that's adding to my crappy mood as well...... good night