XxXCutMyselfFreeXxX's Xanga

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 21:13:11 GMT

well its been a few weeks since all that stuff with Ryan happened.... but it feels like it was only yesterday, because the pain is still as fresh as could be. i really don't know how to describe the way i feel.... there are so many emotions running through me.... anger, disppointment, sadness.... i'm almost at a state of numbness....... but no matter how much i hate him for what he did, the way he made me think he cared, how he lead me on every day..... i would still run back to him in a second if he asked me to, i hate myself for that. everytime i see him i want to cry, he broke my heart, played me for a fool.... and i would let him do it all over again..... i'm pathetic...... i'm a smart person.... but when it comes to him...... i lose it all...... i'm at the mercy of his every whim. i know that he doesn't care.... i know that every night i spend crying over him and thinking about him, he doesn't spend a second thinking of me...... i know that with every poem i write about him, he's not writing any about me..... but yet here i am, wishing he would want me and wishing that he would go back to just using me, because it's better than not having him at all..... nobody knows that i still want him, my friends all think that i hate him now, and they all hate him....... but God, what i wouldn't do to look into his beautiful eyes again, or touch his soft hair....... or even watch him play guitar, he's so damn beautiful when he plays..... he makes me want to cry every time.... i go to school with him, i work with him, and we have mutual friends.... so i mean it's so hard not to see him...... it kills me everytime he walks by, and i can't say anything, he walks bu like i'm not even there. the silence kills me, more so than the night he yelled at me and said all of those horrible things....... how can you hate someone so much, but love them even more?

Anyways...... i made a new xanga a little while ago, it's mostly for my poems and whatever, i might just start using that one insted of this one... i dunno yet.... so if you subscribe to this one (or if you don't), you can go ahead and subscribe to that one too... it may become my primary xanga..... www.xanga.com/xxxburningeyesxxx

<-even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart->

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 22:02:25 GMT

i'm a fucking idiot..... i let myself be hurt again... i let him use me again..... i let him do whatever he wanted and did whatever he wanted.... but now that people know.... he denies it.... he lies and says i made it up..... "it never happened"...... he made me look like an idiot..... i thought he cared... but he just wanted what every guy ever wants..... he wanted to get fucked.... he didn't care about me or my feelings..... he didn't want to be in a reletshionship with me..... but stupidly i thought he cared..... i thought he wanted me for more than my body and what he could get...... i'm a fucking stupid slut...... i just wanted him to like me.........

this is a poem i wrote in school yesterday... its not very good or anything but i needed to get some thoughts out

<< Falling For The Last Time >>

Arms spread welcoming the impending nothing

You fall down as if God were delivering

Everyone watches on in horror

He is there to watch your inevitable death

This is his victory

This is your defeat

He never cared for you

Used you for his own sick pleasure

Now as you plunge down to the awaiting crowd, he is there with that smile on his face

There with that smile, you always thought it meant he cared

But was always there awaiting your self destruction

Thoughts of the times spent together run through your mind

It’s over now

You’ve fallen for him for the last time

But this time it hurt less

Because you knew it could never happen again

But that’s what you get for letting yourself fall in love

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 02:03:19 GMT

WARNING

Before you make that first cut, remember--
You will enjoy this.
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily--
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will take sometimes months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live--
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.
Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting--
Cutting and covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."
And you freak out because the blood won't stop...
And you are gasping...
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone.
So you sit there alone...
Praying it will be okay--
Swearing you'll never let it go this far again...
But you will, and further.
Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts,
The deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips--
3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...
Betadine...
Antibiotic cream...
Medical tape...
Scar reducers...
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice--
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.
Someone who understands--
But of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe--
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots, gloves...
The list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way.
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it,
As your eyes scan their wrists arms.
Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood.
Scrubbing your bathroom floor.
Wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate,
Anything will be a cutting tool...
Scissors...a car key...a needle...a paperclip...even a pen.
Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch.
So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
You will dream about cutting.
You will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting--
At the same time you love it and can not live with out it.

God this is so true........ it always makes me feel less alone, and a little more "normal" whenever i know other people are thinking these things and going through similar stuff....... except they all seem to be people online..... i wish it was some one from around here that i could confide in....... but you guys are alot of help.... especially you Vicki..... i just wanted to say thanks for all your comments and help...... we may not know eachother really, but you seem to know me better than most people that i've known for years and that i see everyday..... so thank you for all your support!!!! :)

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 00:41:44 GMT

this entry is gonna be a lot of randomness.......

i haven't cut since that night..... believe me i've wanted to so damn badly...... i can see it in my mind...... it's like a fucking drug that is slowly taking over my mind...... i feel like an addict trying to get off heroin....... i wish one way or the other that i could just be happy..... not have these nagging feelings and thoughts of suicide in the bak of my mind, or taking over my thoughts all the time..... i wish that i was either alive and happy, or dead and not have to deal with this anymore..... i feel like this is an endless battle, and i'm never going to win...... i don;t want to live the rest of my life with the need to see my own blood in order to know if i'm still alive........ is happiness really too much to ask for??? i'm too tired to write anymore...... i have hardly slept lately... i'm sure that's adding to my crappy mood as well...... good night

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 01:46:00 GMT

i cut tonight.....it's been 3 months..... and i ruined it..... i hate myself for doing it..... but also it gave me the same feeling it did when i used to cut and i like that feeling...... sorry i don't really make much sense right now.... but the thing is i've thought about cutting every day since i stopped.... its never left my mind.... every day was a constant struggle to find some other way to cope..... today it all just caught up to me..... and the sad part is i don't think i even want to stop this time.... i don't think tomorrow i will stop myself from cutting perfectly straight lines up my arm, and watch the blood slowly ooze out...... i don't think i will feel guilt...... i want to do it, but i hate that i want to see that blood....... i hate that i dream about suicide every day..... and all i write about is cutting and suicide...... i really fucking hate that i have to fake some stupid pretend smile for all those idiots i hang out with.... i hate that i hang out with them, when i can't stand them at all lately...... fuck i'm tired...... good night

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 01:44:20 GMT

i haven't really doen any ranting in here lately, so time for some ranting!!! it's basically about guys....... i'm so close to just giving up and completely stop caring...... i mean i like a certain guy then he goes and either likes my friends, or doesn't even fucking notice me and i'm so fucking sick of it, sick of guys in general..... i'm so damn jealous of my friends who can get any fucking guy they want..... the guys seriously just fucking flock to them and they don't even care, they just lead them on then get rid of them....... it sickens me...... sorry i just had to finally get that off my chest cuz it has been bugging me so much lately..... but on a better note i went to Metcallica's concert last night and it was fucking amazing..... best concert i have ever seen, they did like 5 encores...... it was awesome!!!!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 20:30:53 GMT

hey everyone...... whoa long time no post, huh? lol..... yeah so school started a few weeks ago and holy fuck do i ever have a shit load of work!!!! lol i've never really been one for doing homework or any other assignments but i find myself doing it this year and i am in all University classes so i have to try my hardest..... i have to get started on this 10 paragraph history essay on any person from the Renaissance and explain why they are the ideal example of a renaissance person..... so yeah that sounds fun..... haha not...... but yeah i', super tired right now..... i have to get up so damn early!!!! lol but yeah i've been doing better emotionaly and i've been keeping myself busy with school, friends and work...... i still Matt (the guy i work with) and now i actually talk to him..... lol but i haven't told him i like him or anything..... although he probably knows due to the fact i ALWAYS stare at him lol!!! i can't help myself tho!!!! yeah but anyways i'm gonna go sleep or something cuz i actually dont work tonight and i don't think i have any homework either!!! YAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 21:48:09 GMT

sooooo long time no post i guess....... not too much has been going on..... a lot of boredom...... and i've been hanging out a lot with my friends lately..... which is good..... takes my mind off things....but also gives me other stupid shit to analyze and freal out over as well.....lol...... so Monday i am going to Montreal or somke place near Montreal to go to this big Waterpark deal thing....... it should be fun..... then i think that we might hit the bars that night cuz we're all 18 and in Quebec so what else would you expect? lol.... i am assuming that there wont be anyone at the bars that night so we'll end up in out hotel room lol.... anywho..... everything is okay.... except my therapist wants to see me every week now instead of every like 2 or 3 weeks cuz she read more of my poems and she said i only write about suicide and self harm and i see it as the only way out or whatever...... but thats not totally true..... yeah i still think about it probably more than i should and i write about it alot, but thats mostly because if i feel like that i go and write instead of cutting so the writing isn't a bad thing..... just a way to gte out some feelings and keep me somewhat sane.... lol yeah so anyways i will update when i get back..... have a good one.....

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Sat, 07 Aug 2004 02:58:02 GMT

I think i am in love..... whoa that sounds so wierd..... hmmm i don't really know if i am in love but i like him so much.... when he's near me i get these stupid little butterflies in my stomach and i get all flustered and can't stop blushing..... i got to talk to him tonigh at work...... i really do liek him so much.... he's so funny and sweet..... he's got this gorgeous blonde hair that is so soft and silky looking.... mmmmm..... his name is Matt........... just thinking of him makes me happy...... even though i know nothing will ever happen between us because he is so amazing and well i'm.... not..... anyways just the thoughts of him is enough for me...... so yeah everything has been okay lately so i guess that's a good thing.... well i'm gonna go..... have a good night everyone!

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 02:28:25 GMT

so i guess i haven't updated for a while lol..... i can't really say i've been busy, cuz i haven't been..... i've been extremely bored though.... mostly just vegging out watching tv.... which is horrible because i am gonan gain like 30 pounds if i keep that up...... anyways...... i guess a lot of why i haven't updated lately is cuz i have been feeling pretty good..... not great by any means but defiantly better.... i am finding it easier to let myself have fun with others.....i don't feel guilty or as if i am lying if i happen to smile or have a good night..... i went to my friend Rob's cottage with my friend Holly from Thursday till Saturday.... i had a lot of fun.... we swam.... the boys went fishing...... we just sat around drinking..... talking about good times...... fooling around and being crazy..... Friday night he had a party there..... so i got to see everyone..... my friend who has already moved down to where she'e gonna be starting college in September was up for that weekend so i got to hang out with her..... it was good..... i find it easier to talk with my dad now.... even joke around with him..... it's still wierd but not as awkward as it was before i guess...... i also found out today that Metallica is coming to Ottawa!!!! I am sooo happy because they are one of my favourite bands! I am trying to talk Holly into going with me... but the tickets are over $90 and she only likes them.... she's not all obsessed like me.... so she's not sure if she wants to spend that kind of cash on a band she doesn't even really like that much..... so we'll see.... but i wanna go soooo badly.... hell i'll go alone if i have to!!!Lol...... but yeah...... hmmmm this post has been pretty positive lately.... lol strange...... i have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist or whatever she is called..... should be interesting...... k totally off topic but i just wanna vent this out...... see there is this situation..... i have this friend and literally every dude i know likes her..... now i am pretty good friends with her...... and she's a great girl..... but i mean EVERY guy likes her!!!! It's kind of annoying and a little sucky cuz i feel so invisible when i am with her..... i love the girl and everything but i mean she's not so extra special that every dude should like her... the thing is that she plays with all their heads, leads them all on, and just basically walks all over them and they all let her..... there are 2 main guys that she goes back and forth between and they both worship her...... she just fucks with them so much... and they used to be best friends but then they both started to like her and they both started letting her play them and now they pretty much hate eachother, it's rediculous..... i know i sound jealous.... that's cuz I AM! lol i can't help it! She gets all these guys literally falling at her feet willing to go to Heaven and Hell and back for her..... willing to move mountains and commit murder for her and who do i have? NO ONE! i am friends with all these guys and most of 'em i have never even thought of romantically..... but there are a few i have... not anymore though.... so its not really the guys just the idea of her having any dude she wants do anything for her.... i want someone who loves me so much that they would do ANYTHING to be with me.... well not anything crazy like kill someone or whatever but you get what i am sayin..... i just wants that comfortign feeling of having a guy that i can say i love you toand always know he'll say it back... someone that will hold me for hours and give me little pecks on the cheek when we cuddle.... someone that isn't in it for sexual stuff...... someone that i can talk to for hours and still wanna talk for hours and hours more...... i just want that awesome romance that i have never had..... i've always been cheated on, used and hit in all my reletshionships.... but i let them so i guess i kinda brought it on myself too..... meh..... maybe some day i will find my prince charming.... and i really hope its soon cuz i am just tired of being alone..... and the guy i like is named Matt and we work together... he is so gorgeous.... tall, tanned, shaggy hair, good dresser, funny, sweet, easy to talk to... and the most beautiful smile.... oh it makes me melt everytime...... he is so perfect but he doesn't even notice me .... well thats enough typing for now lol i am sure you are all bored as hell.... i shall post laster...Good night Star light.....