so to start off im writing not for ATTENTION as ppl say...or becuz im too lazy to write on paper...or becuz i want to announce it to the world....im writing for the simple fact that i need to clear my mind....i like internet blogging its art expression as well..im just better with computers..and its alot faster...i dont like journals i always lose them..at least this way i can go bak and read it later on cuz the internets always there it doesnt wither away or get ruined like paper does....and i dont care who reads it...i dont care who comments...i dont want advice nor pity. so fuck anyone who thinks i write for attention...

this entry is not about courtney...shes part of it but it doesnt revolve around her...
last nite my mom mentioned sumthing to me that stuck out in my mind...
"functioning addict".
it really stuck.
and it hit hard. and it hit fast. and it hit home.
in my mind....

when i got home from babysitting i sat on the phone with court for 3 hours like we used to bak in the day....and she opened my eyes.......a lot....
i went bak thru my old xangas and re read all my old entrys..starting out from 2 years ago......about sabrina....lesley.....my mom, brian...blah blah blah.....and in almost EVERY blog entry, it said sumthing about self medication...alcohol,weed...and mostly....pills......
oh wow did i write alot about pills...
i read sum of my old poems in my room and old journals i did keep them from bak in 7th grade..........and suddenly idk it just hit me...i mean i think ive always known but since ive been able to hold 2 jobs, school, family, most relationships, money, and my life together-well it wasnt a problem......
and its hard to accept...i mean everyone always had this perfect image of me like how i was straight edge and sober and innocent and a leader not a follower.....shit....they dont know the half of it....i layed in bed and told courtney like EVERYTHING i mean everything from shit crystal said to me to shit nicki said to me, things i used to do, old habbits....the list goes on....and she made me realize i do have a problem......i really do......its always been there but ive never recgonized it...and now that i think about it its hard to cope with and hard to accept, and where it started idk......but i had to come to terms with it myself last nite...i dont blame anyone...i guess since its never interfered with my life i never noticed it...but other ppl did...court crystal nicki.....shit and crystal didnt even know me that long and she figured it out....and here i was drunk most of the time on abusing so many pills in different ways..."no im fine, i dont self medicate, i can control it..."
then y did i freak out when court flushed my meds? its a hard thing to deal with and really hard thing to open ur eyes to see that u r and have always been a funtioning addict.....i never told anyone anything cuz it wasnt a concern.......i guess i have to come clean now huh? with myself....others.....and courtney....i wanna keep her..........
its been a really long time i mean like it started in 7th grade i think if not sooner......the memories r now haunting me and starting to make me see the things i did and do...."i can seperate my times"-id say...."i know when i can and cant get fucked up...i know wut i can abuse and wut i cant...." court made me see that its a distraction thing.....i guess from addict to addict....shes always known....im not two faced im not a hypocrite to a certain degree...cuz i didnt know wut i was really doing i never saw it as an addiction..... i jus tried to push others to get clean thru their problems and never recgonized my own.........theres things i told court last nite that i choose not to write about that stays between us...this blog is only to clear my head...im seeing katkin today...and i have to tell him wut ive discovered......this is where i start over...but i guess now i can honestly say....im an addict too.....time to start hitting up NA,AA,alcanon and narcanon meetings to cover everything.......

on a lighter note....im withdrawing from loveland and applying at success acadamy(milford) for next year...my mom and brian r getting me an appartment and paying the rent-only deal is if i quit school the rent stops getting paid.....theyre very generous.....im rly appreciative....courts moving in on trial basis first....we gotta get thru the rocky points in our relationship....the engagment is for sure and i know its gonna work out.....its all jus gonna take sum time to come to.i swore to her and gave her my word of for better or for worse...and side by side well stay....thats how i wanna walk with her in life....not in front of or behind each other.....hand in hand, side by side, thru thick and thin, bad an good.......no overnight changes, no false promises,no high hopes,no requirments, no expectations.......just me her....sobriety, love, a future and dreams......


conclusion: everyone makes mistakes, no ones perfect, we all fuck up......happiness is hard to come by and u have to make things work to the best of ur ability..u have to do things u dont want to sumtimes to get by, or make the most of wut u got...sumtimes shit gets fucked up plans change, and u have to scrape by-its a hard lesson in life to leanr that things dont always work out the way u expected or wanted them to...things and ppl change for good and for bad.....life is not a walk in the park and its hard its really hard and im doing ok for myself.....


im only human too.....