| today was a good day until things started to get outta hand with my thinking. i cant help but think that kevin the love of my life is going to leave me and i think he can do so much better then me and i just would hate to see him go but if he is happier somewhere else then i guess i will let him go. he says that im thye only girl he loves and wants to be with and i hope that never changes but i really want him to be with however makes him happy even if that means that he is not with me. i have never been happier in my life and kevin does that but i dont know if i make hin happy he always thinks he did something wrong even though he did nothing its not because of him it always because of my past its just little things like smells or texture or the way someone touches me i wish that i could just make it all go away and i could just live a normal life but at this point in time that is not really an option. i wish he could just understand that i am just going through alot and that i need him to be there for me but if he dont understand then it just dont help me it just gets me more upset for the fact that i have no idea what to do and how to make him understand that nothing him alone did to cause this i am going to keep dealing with this untill i get over it and i have never had anyone help me to get over it i just wish i could tell someone my story and that they would then understand i just need one person to talk to. i am scared to open up to kevin and tell him all of my experiances cause i dont want him to get upset or him to look at me any different i just need someone who has been through the same shit and knows how it is to be raped. i dont know i have alot to think about right now so i will write again in a little while..!!!! |
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| 2 amits 2 am and i still up... there is just to much shit going on and i have not sleep in a couple days my and kevin are well i dont know it just seems like he is alwasy mad at me and like he dont want his family to met me.... i just dont know if he is emberessed of me and if he is why?? i have wanted to cut so bad for a couple days now... i dont know why i havent..... i should just do it to feel better but im trying so hard to stop.... i dont think it is working out for me very well..... i miss the stinging pain for my razor and the blood flowing out.... i miss everything about it..... if kevin were not her i would do it by now... but i dont want him to see me like that for some reason that i dont know i dont want him to ever see me like that..... he dont know that i cut when i was in daytona flordia cause i had a really bad feeling that he was going to leave me..... now we are fighting like you would never believe...... i dont even know what to do anymore..... i want him to be happy with me but it just seems like he is not...... i just dont know what to do anymore the one time i am happy to be with a guy he is like so pissed at me every day and i try to be happy but he dont know half of the shit about me that i want him to and im scared to tell him cause i dont want him to get scared and leave me...... i already have to feeling that he is going to hurt me and its not because i think he would try but because of the shit from the past...... he gets mad at me all the time cause i dont tell him what is wrong but its because i dont know what is wrong sometimes and the rest its cause i just dont want to tell him cause i dont want him to take it the worng way and get mad at me a leave me.... anyways....... here is a poem that i fell in love with.....
Burning pain in my arms,
Stops the burning tears.
Slicing the skin calms my doubts,
And helps erase my fears.
The anger is so strong at times,
And my pain becomes too much.
And I long to feel the calmness,
Of the knife's forgiving, tender touch.
As I watch my blood pour,
My sanity soars.
And I long to feel the pain once more.
To those who may not do this,
I probably sound insane.
But this is the only way I know how...
To ease the blinding pain.
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| wow it has been a long time since i wrote in here.... alot has happened.... me and the guy i was with for a year Jake ... yea we broke up i left him so i could be with this awsome guy kevin.... i love him already he is so awsome and sweet it is awsome..... i have just been going to school... and hanging with kevin i have not cut in like a few days.... if i cut now i have to hide it from my man cause he hates that i did it even though it was before i knew him but i am good at hideing things!!!
ill keep in touch when i get back from Daytona!!!! party time!!! lets get fucked up!!!
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| Today fuckin sucked..... i found out my man has been liein to me... i saw the 2 guys that raped me...... i almost got ran off the road by one.... the other fuckin pinned me to the car and said he would kill me if he ever found out that i was with another guy..... ima cut so fuckin deep tonight if one more thing happens.... i already cut pretty deep.... i just wanna fuckin die why cant everyone just leave me alone to die......i just dont get it why does everyone have to brake what is already broken!!!!!! i just dont get it why do they hav eto do it..... its like giveing a suisidal cutter a razer and saying dont cut..... i mean there gonna and that will be the end of it people have no idea the kind of affect that that shit has on other people..... but do they care????? this is to much no one cares about me or anything else i give up im out!!!!!
 
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| I cant do this pain and misory if this is what the rest of my life is gonna be like i cant do it so i will cut my wrist and be done.... im sick of everytime i look up to someone they brake my heart as if it is nothing... i just dont want to do it..... i just cant do it anymore...... i just dont understand why we were put here to suffer.... was this really gods plan for us..... to be here and to suffer???
  
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