| CallingThings have changed, and I've been put in a position where I need to decide my future...again. I have the option of sticking with my original plan to attend UMKC this upcoming fall...or to hold off on going to college and to go to Japan for a year instead, to study, learn, and do mission work with Pastor Son. I really want to go to Japan and do all that stuff and "shadow" him because it's going to be an awesome, life-changing experience, but I'm so scared. That would be such a huge step from what I'm doing now in Springfield...I don't know if I'd be strong enough to handle it - physically, emotionally, spiritually, everything. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, because Pastor Son will only be in Japan for one more year. I'm so scared, inexperienced, young, sheltered...I'm still learning and growing.
Despite all the nervousness and anxiety I feel, I know that this might be His calling. This might be It. And if that's the case, then I need to put everything aside and take this chance. There's a reason this is coming up, there's a reason why my dad suggested it. It's not only that it would be a good experience, but it would change me and my lifestyle, and hopefully bring me back to God. The past couple of years have been really hard times for me, but this year especially has brought me so much pain and anger and hurt, that I need something drastic that is going to change my life around completely.
After everything that's happened this school year, I'm just so tired. I feel burdened and pressed down by everything, and I know that some of the things in my life have changed for the worse because of my actions and my bad decision-making. So much has happened and it's overwhelming, to be quite honest.
I miss Herman so, so much, but I hate thinking about it because it makes me so sad and makes me cry. And I know everybody else misses him too because whenever someone brings him up we all sort of drift into our own thoughts and memories of him, and I see my friends remembering him and hurting...my heart and mind hurt knowing that somebody could have prevented the accident, somebody could have stopped him from leaving Chris and Drew's...his accident...it hit way too close to home. After the accident I thought about the night of Herman's birthday...any of us could have died that night too, considering everybody was either driving drunk or in a car with a drunk driver. And that scares me so bad because I know that it could have been me. I really wish that everybody would learn from his mistake though. It breaks my heart to know that he's just become another teen statistic, and that's all he'll be remembered for. But he was so much more then that...SO much more. And speaking of teen statistics, I miss Ariel too. People have gotten the wrong image of her after her death, and I won't ever understand why she did that either, but she was an amazing person. It just makes me so angry that for those who didn't know her, she's nothing but a teen statistic...just like Herman. It wasn't easy going to two funerals within two weeks during senior year, for two eighteen-year old seniors in our class. I know God takes people for reasons...I just wish we knew them.
We never know when we're going to lose somebody or something. Life is so unpredictable, so scary, so real. Even with the VA Tech shooting, wow. What in the world? It makes me worry a lot about UMKC, and I'm actually glad that I won't be going for a year. There are scary people out there and we don't know what they'll do or when they'll do it. They need help but all we can do is pray for them and those that they have hurt. It's a whole lot easier said than done, but when you are hurting, pray. Get down on your knees and just pray. It's the best/only way out. Remember, seven days without prayer makes one weak.
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| I haven't filled out a survey in so long...and I'm bored so here we go!!!
I AM: turning 18 in 4 days!!
I WANT: to graduate.
I WISH: everyone was happy and pretty!
I HATE: being home alone.
I MISS: my dogs MiMi and Oreo and Tko...
I FEAR: scary men (rapists, murderers, kidnappers) and bugs
I HEAR: Switchfoot
I LOVE: daddy!<3
I DANCE: all the freaking time.
I SING: worse then ever.
I CRY: at night.
I CONFUSE: myself.
I SHOULD: do my spanish homework.
[BIGGEST]
TURN ON: height, smile, sincere concern.
TURN OFF: playing hard to get.
REGRET: being mean to people.
DREAM: it's a secret.
[ YES OR NO ]
1. KEEP A DIARY?: yes
2. KEEP A SECRET JOURNAL?: yes
3. SET YOUR WATCHES A FEW MINUTES AHEAD?: five
4. BITE YOUR FINGERNAILS?: ew, no
5. BELIEVE IN LOVE?: definitely
[ DO YOU ]
1. HAVE A/ANY CRUSH?: yes
2. THINK YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE?: it's a secret.
3. HAVE ANY TATTOOS?: ten
4. HAVE ANY PIERCINGS?: twelve
5. THINK YOU ARE A HEALTH FREAK?: at times. rarely. lol.
[ FAVORITE ]
MONTH: December because it's always busy and merry
I HATE: selfish and/or oblivious people
SONG: too many
FOOD: sushi
SEASON: fall because it's cool and dark
VEGGIE: onions
FRUIT: pineapple or peach (or watermelon in the summer)
FAST FOOD: in n out
PIECE OF CLOTHING: boyshorts
PERFUME/COLOGNE: I really like the Vera Wang Princess right now/Very Sexy for men?
[ IN THE LAST 48 HRS. HAVE YOU ]
CRIED?: yes
HELPED SOMEONE: yes
BOUGHT SOMETHING?: oh yeah
GOTTEN SICK?: no, but I got other people sick because I am a carrier
GONE TO THE MOVIES?: no
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER?: maybe
TALKED TO AN EX?: yes
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: yes
MISSED SOMEONE?: yes
HUGGED SOMEONE?: I can't go without hugs/kisses
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS?: no
FOUGHT WITH A BOY/GIRL FRIEND: yes
[ LAST PERSON WHO ]
1. SAW YOU CRY?: Eric
2. MADE YOU CRY?: Eric
3. WENT TO DINNER/LUNCH WITH?: just now with Farah!
yay for Xanga surveys! Does anyone still use xangas?? Lol.
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| So let's just get straight to the point.
* I'm turning eighteen in one month and a week.
* I'm graduating in two and a half months.
* I'm moving out in four and a half months.
* I'm starting college at UMKC (University of Missouri - Kansas City) in five and a half months.
I'm scared.
Don't get me wrong - I'm excited fer suuure. But I am scared Out of my MIND! Ahhh!!
On another note, I miss all of my California friends dearly. Really, I do. I hope everybody's doing okay...I'm horrible for not keeping in touch even when we have simple stuff - Like, xangas and myspace and facebook. Either way, I love you all! And yes, all you Missourians, I love y'all too ;)
Leave me comments or email me and let me know how you're doing!
<3 Esther
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