Hello Faithful Readers...

I realize that it has been an extremely long time since i have written, and quite frankly at this moment i really don't care.  In fact i'm not really caring about much at the moment, in FACT i have decided to open my xanga account just to vent my frustrations, and basically throw myself a pity party.  Normally i don't allow myself to have these kind of parties, but it seems like for one week of the month i feel like total crap.  I feel worthless, and meaningless, and stupid, and invisible, and disregarded.  I HATE THAT WEEK!!!!  My emotions are all over the place crazy, and i'm venting about stupid things.  I hate this...I spent the majority of the evening crying at praiseteam practice and pretending that everything was ok, when it wasn't!  I realize that there are 5 other members on the team, but i always feel like the odd man out.  For some reason i feel like i'm back in middle school when Jeremy Hamp was making fun of me and calling me Saliva.  I feel like i felt every time my choir teacher over looked me to give a solo to some other girl.  I feel like i am too much for people to handle, and that they will never get to know the real me, because they can't handle the real me.  I have to pretend to be something i'm not, because the real me is to zany, and funny, and sarcastic, and loud and people don't want to see that side of me.  I'm tired...i realize this, i'm frustrated, my emotions are on a rollar coaster ride i wish would end, but i know won't for another 5 days.  I'm a mess, i am seeking but it doesn't seem like any answers are readily available.  I know i have a lot to be thankful for, but at the moment i can't seem to think past this emotion of dispair.  I feel alone, abandoned, and forsaken.  I feel worthless.  I feel like the lepers, who wern't even allowed to look at the healthy people.  They were just sentout to the camp where they had to live in poverty, waiting for pity of people to give them what they needed to survive.  I feel like i'm constantly waiting, and while that is not a bad thing...I'm tired of waiting.  I want something to happen.

Later....Lena

Hello Faithful Readers...

Just in case you failed to read the heading of my blog today, i might and probably will say things that are probably not going to be swallowed so well by some of you...but i don't care.  I'm still going to write it anyway.  In fact...I think that is my new motto...I don't care.  Because all caring does is get you hurt.  It puts your heart out there for other people to come, look at it, gawk at it, and then stomp or procede to hurt anyway they see fit.  Granted that this rant may be induced by the fact that i have had way to much sugar and not nearly enough caffine in the last three days...In fact...I think i might be getting over my caffine addiction as i type...but I don't care.  I have realized in the last weeks that i am a compasionate person, i am funny, and i am a damn good catch...Do men realize this.  NO!  I seem to attract losers and guys who don't seem to get the anvil of flirting that i am dropping on them.  So do i care...NO!  As for friends at the moment...most of them are good but there is always that one friend who manages to piss me off, and yet again she has given me the Christmas present of being pissed.  Nothing says I love you friend like a verbal punch in the mouth.  Not only a verbal punch in a mouth, but blaming most of your problems on me.  Gosh i love it when people dump their crap on me....oh wait i'm a therapist....I guess i should have read the instruction manual on this career.  Don't get me wrong i love my job, but when i have to work outside of work, and when a person attacks me personally...well Merry Freakin' Christmas to you too!  Ok i realize that i'm sounding very negative right now...and i'm probably your all wondering when "Happy, Perky, Sees the sun shining Selena" is at right now....Right now she has decided to hide in the celler because "pissed off at the world Selena" has taken over drivers seat in her place...and i realize that sounds Multiple personality diagnosish...but ask me if i care...because I DON'T!  What is the point of caring?  Just so i can put myself out there and be hurt yet again.  My dad says that it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all...and i realize that there is some truth to that statement, but right now i don't want to care, because all it ever seems to cause me is pain and misery.  Don't get me wrong...I'm extremely gratefully for my life, and for my friends lives, and for everything i have, but i don't enjoy having things that i desperately want rubbed in my face, or my talents that i am using thrown back at me like they are a piece of garbage.  I'm a hard enough critic on myself...I can really do without the comments from the peanut gallery.  I realize that as i write this i'm probably going to alienate people, but the way i'm thinking of it at this point it time...is that is fewer people to hurt me.  I miss my family.  I can't wait to see them in 2 weeks.  I want a boyfriend! I'm sick of being alone.  I'm tired of my friends telling me to be patient and wait, because mr.Right is just around the corner.  I'm tired of looking at every cute guy and then realizing that he is married or has a girlfriend.  I'm tired of putting on a happy face in front of some people because i know that is polite thing to do.  I'm sick and tired of feeling like i am not good enough for a great guy to come snatch me up.  I'm sick of men. I'm sick of people pretty much in general...and i think above all i'm sick of myself.  I don't know what else i can do to make me better, arn't i good enough already?  Merry Freakin' Christmas.

S.

Hello Faithful Readers...I realize that it has been a while since i have last updated my xanga.  At this point i'm going to stop apoligizing and saying that i will try to be better about bloging because lets face realitiy folks...I'm not gonna change.  I'm busy and quite honestly..I think 3 people read this and i talk to two of those people on a semi-regular basis...so i'm pretty sure once a month or whenever i feel like venting is what you guys are going to get for a while...because like my title says...my life is not slow...but it is also not very interesting.  So allow me to fill the one maybe two other people who read this in on what has been going on in my life. 

November - I moved to a new apartment, just down the street from my church and some very good friends of mine.  I love it.  My upstairs neighbor is a really nice guy who takes care of all the lawn/snow/yard work.  He has a really cute dog named charlie and i think 3 kids.  My job at the macaroni grill is going....enough said.  Its not horrible and this weekend was actually pretty good, i made a few tips...but let me tell ya...People don't know how or who to tip.  It is kind of frustrating and my new agenda in life is to make people aware that you are suppose to tip waiters 20%!!!  And if you have someone sing for your table you should also tip that person.  Along with bellboys, or anyone who handles your luggage at the airport and hotel.  And if you recieve a subsription for you paper...during the Christmas season it is customary to tip your paper person as well.  We all have familys and do you really think that these people enjoy getting out of bed at 4am, or standing on their feet all day carrying heavy trays of food...TIP!  It is the season of giving!  Share the love and tip!  Ok...I'm stepping off of my soap box now.  What else is new in my life.  I have a new friend...her name is Delilah and though she is very young, she is adorable and i love her to pieces.  Except for when she wakes me up in the mornings...then she can be kind of annoying.

Isn't she just so adorable!  And she has such green eyes, they are so pretty.

Anyway....she has been keeping me on my toes litterally (by biting them) the last week.  But she is so great to have around..except for the whole morning thing.  My personal life is complicated...there are a few guys who like me...none that are really date worthy, and the one guy that i like who is date worthy is completely blind or obtuse, or some other word meaning...he has no clue!  I'm also trying to deal with the feelings like all my friends are at the marrying stage or baby stage of life, and i feel like i'm being left behind in the dust.  I know that i'm 24 and still young and have plenty of time....but seriously...i hear the "your not getting any younger"clock ticking and it sucks!   Lets see...is there anything else vagely important that i feel the need to share over the internet? I don't think so...well folks as you can see, once again this blog is pretty much the ordinary, non-exciting, happenings of my life.  Trust me...when something interesting happens...i will be sure to let ya'll know, but for right now this is life.

Later....Lena