It's been over ten months since that fateful day when I began this rollercoaster of a relationship. It's hard to believe it's almost been a year, and how long it has been! I have learned a lot, changed a lot, compromised a lot (much more than I would have liked to), but through all of this, I cannot tell wheather I am better or worse for it. Extacy comes and goes, as well as confusion. I am just not sure what to do. Christ is my guiding light, and He will light the path before my feet. Do I stay, or do I go? She works again tonight. 10:30 - 6:30. I woke up, and went to school with such peace, yet as they day went on, my heart sank further and further as I wondered wheather or not she texted Travis again. It's not right. I must make my steps, and my thoughts, righteous, and I will not be shaken. Whatever happens, happens because He wills it. I have feelings both ways, to be honest. Leave her, and feel the freedom of not worrying. Stay with her, and...well I don't know. It seems that all there is is the worrying. Is it another hurdle, or a lot of red flags? I'm not sure, but what I am sure of is the fact that I cannot make a decision quite yet. I will, in time, but for now, I must live and guard my heart, so should that fateful moment of realization come unexpectedly, I will be ready. I can't deny that being single would be nice. No more trying to decypher between red flags and my own insecurities. No more let downs. No more bitterness and frustration. I could live as I want, without a care. I've lost myself somewhere in the weeds, and I really do miss me, and it turns out, so do several other people. Maybe this is what God wills, maybe not. I am not so fortunate as David. I also can't deny that I love being with her. Is it just primitive, sinful, worldy desire that drives me, or is it the bonds of God's will? How far have I fallen to not be able to tell the difference? That is what I must pray for. Clarity to distinguish between those two monumental and opposite parties. What a choice lies ahead of me! I suppose time will tell. Until I accept surrender, and with it, clarity, I am slowley trying to regain my life outside of the relationship. I believe balance is necessary if we are to continue. I'm writing in my Xanga again, which is a big step. I have stopped checking her myspace, for fear of another letdown. I try and avoid her, for fear of another letdown. That is not right. She said she likes to take "vacations" from me by talking to other people. That is not right either. That hurt. I would feel bad sending her back to Indy right after she got a job making a good amount of money, and working good hours, but maybe I must. She would be okay, and so would I. It seems so obvious, doesn't it, reader? You're probably saying to yourself, "Well do it already!" and maybe you're right. I've been giving a lot of evidence as to why I should, yet I can't seem to. That also speaks volumes to me as to the possible divine interventions every time I try and leave her. Oh Lord! Be my light, in this, my hour of need!
My heart begs for Your guidance!
Make my path clear before my feet
I stand at the crossroads
and wait for your direction!
Come to my rescue, oh Savior of man! | 
