Whoa!  It has been a very long time since I have wrote a xanga entry.  Well, since today is my 23rd birthday, I thought it is 'special' enough for me to leave a xanga entry.

So, what has been happening to me for twenty three years of my life?  Well, the thing is, there never really seems to be anything special going on in my life.  I have my normal ups and downs.  Good days and bad days.  Nothing of any special particular interest!  But I am hoping to graduate soon!  And that somehow I will get a good job!  I am getting old!  =\

So, how did my 23rd birthday go?  Well, I had a midterm today.  So, I couldn't really think about doing anything special.  And then I got n00bed!  I was hoping to get home right after class and eat out with my family.  But that got owned because my professor wasn't here last week.  And he has make up 7am 2morrow morning.  So, I have to stay the night.  *sigh*

But the previous nights.  My current roommates were nice enough to have bought me a cake.  I thought that was a real surprise.  So, it was really nice.  Although I might not have shown it at the time, I really appreciated it.  So, if any of them are reading this right now.  I would like you thank you!  =)

Well, since barely anyone ever remembers my birthday (I don't blame anyone because I myself don't remember other people's Bdays), I would like to say happy birthday to myself!  So, Happy 23rd Birthday Jon!  =)  I hope I will be a much better person for my new age!  Well, gotta end this, cuz people hate reading long xangas!  =)  Ok, bye bye and thanks for reading!

Xanga entry testing!  "One two three", this is the page where you should be!  What's up everybody, my name is Jon-a-than.  And I am posting an entry for you today with a little bit of free info.  But, first and foremost, I like to analyze if this entry shall be uncompared for getting my eprops and promoting my peempness.  And in return, I will give you eprops with one million words.  And when you read this, you'll be like 'whoa, i don't believe!'  But it is 'so simple, no skills involved at all' I can write it all myself.  And then you will be like 'What?  What the heck?!  I don't believe!'

Check my Entry out though:

I was registering online for my classes.  They asked me what classes I wanted, I said its only EE and I don't care about other classes!  Drop those classes with a click and add another class yo!  Because I am too cool, taking all these EE's!  Walking in to classes, and steal all the good seats.  Kick the midterm on its booty and receive higher than a B.  Run around the hallways laughing 'Hee hee, hee hee'.  Get my project in a headlock, with some full ownage.  Then I complete the project faster than a few seconds.  Then i talk to ur teacher cuz it's too groovy and you dunno how to do ur circuit!  I get back to my lecture.  Another EE 2.  Saw my fellow student, his name was mr. doode.  Everybody likes him, but I don't really care!  Because I set the curve now and it's in the teacher's grading paper!

I wish today was  thursday, so I can go back to SF!  45 minutes in my car!   BAYBEE!  I wish today was friday, so I can sleep in my own room, alone!   BAYBEE!!

*I should study alone, just like I used to do in the old days.  Alright, study like we used to do!*

I was talking to a TA, she said she would help me.  I asked her to give me  A or B.  But she was like get out, you!.  I said, Noes way I not leaving this school.  I'm a happy little jon!  I have a lot to blab about!  With a lot of homework to do, no doubt.  I like ths new school, better than my old school.  Everyone thinks i'm lame, so dunno what to do.  If you want to take a look, I don't know how to cook, usually i just read my book book books!  Though it's not for fun, in class i always 'fun'.  I have to read a ton!

I have to go to class, early in the morning.  I like to walk around the student union.  There I do homework, attempt to study real hard.  I walked by so many good looking girls, they don't notice me at all!

*wow, i do study well!  yeah wutever doode, just ace the class alrite?*

So, all the cool students!  Let's own all your classes!  own all your classes!  Engineering majors!  own all your classes!!  Own all your classes!!  own all your classes!!  business Majors!! Other majors!! Every major!!  own your classes!

We own!!  Not like GS warriors!!  We peemp dem!  How the exams going?  They are real hard!?  Unless you get inside!  Dang it!  You know what i'm saying!?

Hello again everyone!  Yeah, I got lazy for awhile so I haven't had anything interesting to post up there.  It's not like anyone ever reads it anway.  So, why should you care?  =)

So, what did i do today?  I played some COUUUUUUNNNNEETTTTTTERRRstrike.  After playing like CZ for awhile, switching to regular CS, it was hekka peemp.  It was like ownage on everyone.  It is less laggy and stuff.

And then i went to visit this mr. doode that used to be mr. derek's roommate.  He is like teaching like some summer class at sfsu.  and it's like high school students.  And then there were like some kinda cute grlz.  But then they looked young and immature, which they probably are.  haha. 

And then, it was on to Ms. KEEMZ place.  It was WORRGREENZ mode.  in which i got 15% discount from her.  and i got kinda sorta gingz stuff!  Anyways, yeah tha'ts about it.  =)

So, how did my day go for today?  I guess it was okay.  Watched "Anchorman" today.  It was kinda sorta funny.  Only like this one dude made it funny though.  I watched it in the morning and I went home.

So, what did I do at home?  I was watching "Friends" again as always.  It was going well I guess.  But then something struck me.

I saw one of my sisters eating a grilled-cheese sandwich.  This may not seem to be much of a significance to most people.  I mean, what is the big deal of a grilled-cheese sandwich?  Well, I'll tell you what, it happens to be a specialty of a certain friend of mine.  Although I have not seen my friend actually create that specific food item, I have heard it is something my friend liked to make.

The reason why I am thinking of this particular friend at the moment is because this friend is a good friend of mine.  And I have not returned the good friend favor.  I always complain about stuff to this particular friend of mine.  And the friend would try his/her best to help me.  And it seems that the conversation always seems to get out of hand.  I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.  I don't know why I always screw things up like that.  I think I just think about myself too much.  I think I am just being selfish again.  I am not being considerate of others.  I am not being careful of the horrible things that I say that may hurt another person.  Whether it is intentional or unintentional, I should still watch what I say.  My friend is correct to criticize me.  The only person I should be angry is myself.

I want to apologize to this certain friend of mine.  But I do not know how to.  Maybe i should call him/her, or maybe not.  Or maybe my friend might read this xanga entry, but I doubt it.  But if you do happen to read my xanga, I would like to let you know that I am sorry.  I am sorry that I have been a completely failure as a friend.  I have made you disappointed over and over again.  Perhaps, your life would have been better if you had not met a person like me.  So, I am sorry!  =(

But chances are, my friend would not be reading this xanga entry.  So, I will have to confront my friend at some point in time and apologize.  This is eating me up.  But I feel a little bit better just spilling it out here.  But certainly, not 100% better.  I guess that just about sums up my day for now.  Hopefully, I will make up with my friend soon.  If it doesn't go well, then I guess I'll be short a friend.  But I guess that's okay, because I'm sure my friend will be a lot happier not having a friend like me.

Many times that I just think about certain things.  Somethings that I just think about just really make me mad.  I don't know why, but just when I think about it, it just really makes me mad.  Everytime that little thought comes into my head, it makes me mad.  Does that ever happen to anyone?  So, why do I keep thinking about this stupid thing that makes me mad?  What if this thing that always makes me mad is something that I am stuck with?  It is something that I have to live with.  But what if it is just because of my nature that this little thing that I think about makes me mad?  If someone else thinks about this certain thing and they are within this particular situation, does that necessarily mean that they would be mad too?  Certainly not.  So, where does this problem lie then?  It must lie within the mind of me.  So, why does this thing bother me so much?  I do not know.  It just does.  So, how does one fix a problem such as this?

Another problem of me is that I feel very useless a lot of times.  The reason why I would feel useless is because I do not think I am good at anything at all.  So, why do I feel this way?  Well, let's talk about school.  Am I good at school?  The thing is, if I was good at school, then why am I NOT getting straight A's.  If i was good at school, then shouldn't I be perfecting everything?  Shouldn't I be top of the class?  But the thing is I am not.  So, clearly, that means I am not good at school. 

So, let's move onto another aspect o life.  There are the people who are good at school, which i'm not.  So, let's examine the athletic abilities of myself.  I believe that, clearly, here I also do not excel.  I am a person that has been universally chosen lasts in picking teams.  I drop the ball all the time.  Face it Jon, you're a klutz.  So, now, I am not good at sports because I am not athletic at all.  So, two aspects of my life, have gone down in a spiral. 

So, what is the next aspect of my life?  Let's examine the personality of me.  Boy is this part going to be fun.  Do I have a good personality?  That has got to be a joke.  Why even ask such a stupid question?  Clearly, my personality sucks.  My temper is shorter than an inch-worm.  And it is really hard to control this temper.  It is like this BIG burst of pain in my chest.  Like this giant humuliating feeling that I just feel in me.  And it makes me feel SOOO mad.  That I just explode to release that energy that just accumulates suddenly within me.  And it is really hard to control because it is like a BIG burst of just heat, just anger.  I guess it is similar to NOS for a car.  It gives the car a sudden burst of speed.  But in this case, it is a burst of anger.  I think this developed as a defensive mechanism because I was always picked on as a child.  So, now whenever something happens to me, that really hurts me or like humuliates me in some way.  I get really angry. 

So, what else is wrong with me?  I think I am too 'shy'.  I have no guts to do anything.  I get nervous too easily.  That is so stupid.  Why am I like that?  A guy should not be afraid to do stuff.  He is supposed to be brave.  Clearly, that makes me a more useless person since I am such a person.  So, what else is wrong with me?  I think I can easily be taken advantage of.  When I am in my normal mood, I think I am just too nice sometimes.  And I do not know how to reject someone.  So, then I get used all the time. 

So, what else sucks about me?  Well, I don't have a job.  So, I am sitting here being unproductive everyday.  Why aren't I getting a job?  Why am I being so lazy and sitting here doing nothing?  I am just here living off my parents money.  Again, that makes me feel so useless.  Like, I'm just here wasting my parents money.  I feel so bad about it.  I really just want to graduate, so I can get a real job and repay my parents.  But because I am so stupid, it is taking me so long just to graduate. 

How about stepping into the realm of friendships?  I think I am the worst friend ever.  I feel like I just make my friends lives more stressful.  I just make things worse for everyone.  And sometimes I get mad at my friends too.  What kind of friend gets mad at their friends?  And sometimes, I feel like I use my friends.  I feel like they help me more than I have ever helped them.  I feel like I ask for too much.  Clearly, I am not a good friend.  Would friends ever make another friend upset?  Would friends ever make another friend sad?  A true friend would not do such things.  And I am also a very stubborn person.  I do not listen to any of their suggestions.  I always think I am right.  I always get into arguments.  And then when I lose, I get really mad again.  What kind of stupid friend does such a thing?  I am also a friend that has broken promises.  A friend that has lied.  A friend that doesn't deserve to be a friend of my friends.  A true friend would not do any of these things.  A true friend always loves and cares about their friend.  And they never think of themselves.  A true friend is not self-ish.  A true friend shoudl be open to always helping the other friend improve.  A true friend never takes advantage of their friend.  The list goes on.  Clearly, I have not been such a friend to my friends.  Which, I guess makes me not a good friend. 

Let's move on to my spiritual life.  People might think that there is no such thing as God.  But without a God, life would be pretty meaningless.  I mean, honestly, many a times I have actually thought about just killing myself.  I have thought about just putting an end to my pain and suffereing of when I fall into my depressions.  I think to myself, what is the point of living?  I mean, I live to die?  I mean, thinking about it, life on here on earth isn't easy.  Everyone goes through their ups and downs.  But, if there was no God, then what is the point of going through these ups and downs?  Why should I live and go through such pain?  Why don't I just kill myself and die?  I mean, there is no way around it, everyone that lives will also die.  So, why prolong pain and attempt to live a long sad life?  When you can just die right from the beginning to avoid the long suffering pain.  I guess this is like playing the game of chess.  It's about the concept of resigning.  A player would resign the game of chess when he knows for sure he is going to lose.  So, why doesn't a human being just kill himself, when he knows that he is going to die?  I mean, when you play chess and you know you are ognna lose, why wait to lose?  He can just resign and get it over with.  So, when would the chessplayer NOT resign?  Of course, when the chessplayer still knows he has a chance to win. 

So, when would a person NOT want to kill himself in the beginning and live on?  When he has a chance to win!  But what can this person win?  Fame and fortune?  But what is the point of fame and fortune?  Everything worldly will soon cease to exist.  When a person has died, they lose everything they have accomplished.  But it might be said that the person has done something that has impacted other people's lives, which makes his life useful.  For example, scientists and physicists have advanced the science and technology to what it is today.  Surely, they ahve lived good lives because they ahve been productive to human kind.  But again, that is a temporary thing.  After all, how much longer can this earth last even with our amazing technologies?  All our natural resources are being depleted.  The ozone layer is becoming thin due to our pollution and such.  Global warming is becoming a problem.  So, how long can the world withstand a growing population of people eating away the natural resources?  The world will soon come to an end.  And all the cool things that the people have developed in the past will be no more because the world will be no more.  So, clearly, that can't be the point of our lives, since it would be ridiculous because everything is going to disappear in the end anyway. 

How about the idea of how human's came to be?  How did this world come to become as it is?  How did this "evolution" become into what we humans are today?  With such complex minds and figuring out the physics of the world.  How is the balance of nature of this world created so nicely and perfectly?  Can all of this be a complete accident?  Just thinking about all of this leads me to believe that there has to be a higher being. 

There has to be a God.  A God that has created us people.  A God that planned everything out to be perfect and beautiiful as it is.  A God that has created the beautiful flowers and trees.  A God that has created all the animals of the earth.  A God that has mastered physics and made it all work perfectly and logically.  A God that has created a great balance in nature.  And this is the God that has created us humans. 

And this God has given us a point to live for.  We live for God and only God Himself.  He is the reason of why we do not kill ourselves since we are going to "die" anyway.  He has offered us a really great gift actually.  He has offered us the gift of eternal life.  This is why we do not resign because we can win.  We get the gift of eternal life.  So, we don't live to die, we live to live forever with God!  What a great point of being placed on earth!?  We actually have a point to live now.  We do not actually live to die anymore!  We live for God and we'll be with Him forever! 

Just thinking about this is helping me remember God.  A God that has not been in my life for a long time now.  And why was He not there?  He was not there simply because I had left Him.  He was not there because I thought I could handle things on my own, but I simply could not.  The painting example is a good example of this.  It is hard to do things alone sometimes, and better when there is help.  And I need help in my life.  I need to humble myself for I am weak.  I need to admit my faults.  I need to admit the things that I have done wrong for I am clearly not perfect.  I am clearly full of flaws.  I am a total wreck. 

Another problem is that I never go to God whenever I feel pain about something.  I always ask a human friend first.  But this human friend is just like any other human, they are not perfect.  They might also be busy.  And they might not understand what you are trying to say.  But God is always there to pick me up again and again.  His love so overwhelming.  He is the greatest friend that anyone could have.  He is always there for you even though I may not see him physically.  But I can feel a change in my heart.  I already feel different after getting to the end of writing this xanga entry.  In the beginning of this xanga entry, I was feeling sad and depressed.  But now, I actually feel okay.  I actually feel good about myself again.  This is because I know that God really loves me.  And God will help me get through my weaknesses by giving me strength to overcome them.  God please help humble my heart.  Please help me to control my anger.  Help me to stop thinking about girls all the time.  Yeah, I admit that is another problem that is causing my downfall.  Girls are a pretty depressing topic for me.  But I believe that God can help me.  God can help me change into a better person.  I hope that people can see this change in me.  So, that they too will believe in God and accept His gift of eternal life because there is no point in life to live just to die.  We do not live to die, we live to live for eternity with God.  I believe that is the conclusion that I have drawn as to why I would not want to kill myself and just resign.  No one has to believe what I am saying.  This is just what I believe and what I came up with just thinking about stuff.  I don't think I am the first to think about this.  After all, a lot of people believe in God.

So, a message for jon.  I need to rely on God all the time.  For I cannot do anything alone, it is just impossible.  And it will always bring me down when I mess up.  And I will always mess up because I am not perfect.  My foundation needs to be built upon God.  I should not build things around school or friends or anything else.  For that will be of the foolish man that built his house on the sand.  With a weak foundation, his house will collapse.   But with a strong foundation, building my house upon God is building my house on a rock.  So, the house will not collapse as easily in times of trouble.  I think I have come to this conclusion before, but it was easily forgotten.  God needs to have the number one spot in my life.  Whatever goes number two can be anything, if it doesn't conflict with number one.  Man, God has given me so much.  I can't believe I have ever complained about anything.  It's like I don't see what I have.  I just see what I don't have.  But that should not be the case.  I should be thankful for what I have.  And I should not think about how I am used.  That is selfish of me to think that way.  It's better to give than to receive.  So, people, don't be afraid to ask for anything.  =)  And of course if i humbled myself, I would not be so stubborn.  And that I really should do.  I mean, even Jesus humbled himself completely.  And Jesus was God and super powerful.  And yet, Jesus wanted to serve.  He humbled himself completely.  And He calls all of us to serve others, to help others.  So, if Jesus, God himself, humbles himself.  Why should me, Mr. Jon, NOT humble himself?  I am not greater than my master.  So, yeah.  Anyway, after this analysis with myself kinda sorta.  I think I have found the problem.  And the problem is that my foundation was not built upon God.  It was that I had gone completely astray and tried to live on my own as a lost sheep.  Clearly, that did not go very well seeing that I am always feeling down and stuff. 

So, God, please forgive me for doing all of the above wrong things that I have mentioned.  There may be some that I have not thought about at the moment, which I am sure I haven't thought about because my sins are countless.  But some of the major ones I ahve listed above.  And I know that what I have done is wrong.  And it is killing me.  I still have to apologize to a couple of my friends for just being a punk.  I hope they will understand.  But I really feel bad for what I said to them.  I feel bad for just hurting someone other than just me.  I have also left you God for a long long time.  And it seems that I have just come to You God, just in times of trouble.  I need Your help God to just help me stay committed and stuff.  I have failed everytime that I have tried this.  But this is the first time I have wrote a whole xanga about this.  So, I hope that this time will be different and that I will be able to keep this committment.  Let me start out fresh with clean slate and live for you God. With you God, anything is possible.  God loves you and me!  God loves everyone!  Woohoo!  God is GingZ!  =)

"Change my heart oh God.  Make it ever true.  Change my heart oh God, may I be like You." 

Yes, God, change me!  Shape me into what You want me to be!  =)  Give me the courage, give me the strength to change for the better.  And those who have stuck by and read this whole entry.  I would like to thank you and please help support my decision.  And correct me with anything that you believe I am doing wrong.  But I am trying to change for the better right now.  I do not see that I am doing anything wrong.  But if anyone has any compelling special constructive critism for me, then please let me know!  Thanks again for being great friends people!  I love ya!  And God loves ya too!  =)