well, its been 9 days since my last post. i have no idea whats going on anymore. yet again i feel like giving up feeling like life is leading me nowhere nor am i making progress myself. im crashing and burning. nothing seems to go right anymore.some people and consequences keep running circles in my mind and i have no idea what to do with them and how to get rid of them. i remember when i use to be an ignorant little boy, it was wonderful without a care in the world. but now all it seems i can do is worry and ponder what it would have been like if i hadnt met you.. or any of you for that matter. the same? or different... it seems that you have had a large impact within my life, making large decisions, listening to my emo stories and being there for me to pay out and tease just to make me feel better ( i know thats not true but ima say it anyway =]) and i know it makes you feel better too =]

is it so wrong to try and help a friend. someone you know will get hurt. why wont anyone let me help, she will learn but i fear by then it will be too late... i worry thats all. i gain nothing but the assurance that she will be ok. someone who seems to always get the short end of the stick, why wont anyone let me help her.

if you know me, then you should know what i have done. it was the stupidest thing that i could have possibly done. all i wanted was closure, nothing more. but saying that means nothing i suppose. i broke one un-written law and broke my first promise. i once said that i would wait for someone... it seemed to impossible so like the stupid ass i am, i moved on like it was nothing. it also happened to be the worst person to move onto. you might think that this is no big deal but in my eyes i think it is. i have realised how much of an ass i am and that i dont deserve anything or one that comes my way. no one try to convince me otherwise. i just, wish that i could rewind time. it would make it much easier wouldn't it, find a remote and hit the rewind button.and start over. any outcome, any other outcome.... but as i told peter at one point, " you cant rmk life peter". thats a statement i wish weren't true. i listen to the songs i do wishing it will make it better. the pain hurts so bad. the outcome of what i did doesnt hurt. its a combo of hurt, fear of being lonely, guilt, and the fact that my stupidity runs through my mind.right now i dont know where to go. im sitting here and i dont know what i should do other than to go for the rope i promised cheryl i wouldnt but i cant see anyother way out. this blog is full of bad grammer and spelling, also another thing in life i have failed at. my personal life+education. what happened. it would be convenient to wipe myself off the face of the earth. no one would miss me, no one would even know i was gone. please dont say you will, maybe i find this as a quick fix, thats what i want. i want it to go away, i want me to go away...