aNTOMi92's Xanga

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 10:44:16 GMT

well, its been 9 days since my last post. i have no idea whats going on anymore. yet again i feel like giving up feeling like life is leading me nowhere nor am i making progress myself. im crashing and burning. nothing seems to go right anymore.some people and consequences keep running circles in my mind and i have no idea what to do with them and how to get rid of them. i remember when i use to be an ignorant little boy, it was wonderful without a care in the world. but now all it seems i can do is worry and ponder what it would have been like if i hadnt met you.. or any of you for that matter. the same? or different... it seems that you have had a large impact within my life, making large decisions, listening to my emo stories and being there for me to pay out and tease just to make me feel better ( i know thats not true but ima say it anyway =]) and i know it makes you feel better too =]

coming across high and mighty much

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:22:54 GMT

ingredients: find a man who believes he has done wrong
few friends who aren't so happy with him
recipe: take the man who already feels like his been kicked in the balls and add a tad of sorrow and depression
then kick him in the balls again to your satisfaction

result: one completely fuck up man who just hates everything with the fear of being stabbed in the back by people who he believed were his friends

Monday, March 17, 2008

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 08:23:41 GMT

is it so wrong to try and help a friend. someone you know will get hurt. why wont anyone let me help, she will learn but i fear by then it will be too late... i worry thats all. i gain nothing but the assurance that she will be ok. someone who seems to always get the short end of the stick, why wont anyone let me help her.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 08:06:18 GMT

the emo little kid i am, i still enjoy myself from time to time. much like hearing about my ex's relationship problems and doing nothing but laugh. im sympathetic at the same time and i try to help but it just seems just so... much like just desserts. you know that feeling of satisfaction of knowing someone gets the short end of the stick just cos the deserve it, i feel it right now. ok i might come across as quite an ass and, well dont deserve a whole lot but the amount of emotional stress this girl put me through..... if you knew me you'd know. yet i still have an empty void inside me which nothing can seem to fill. not even this satisfaction. maybe i look from the outside and think that perhaps, it should be me inside, getting my just desserts. i have done a lot and im sure atleast some emotional stress has occurred upon my account.

regrets...

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:42:12 GMT

if you know me, then you should know what i have done. it was the stupidest thing that i could have possibly done. all i wanted was closure, nothing more. but saying that means nothing i suppose. i broke one un-written law and broke my first promise. i once said that i would wait for someone... it seemed to impossible so like the stupid ass i am, i moved on like it was nothing. it also happened to be the worst person to move onto. you might think that this is no big deal but in my eyes i think it is. i have realised how much of an ass i am and that i dont deserve anything or one that comes my way. no one try to convince me otherwise. i just, wish that i could rewind time. it would make it much easier wouldn't it, find a remote and hit the rewind button.and start over. any outcome, any other outcome.... but as i told peter at one point, " you cant rmk life peter". thats a statement i wish weren't true. i listen to the songs i do wishing it will make it better. the pain hurts so bad. the outcome of what i did doesnt hurt. its a combo of hurt, fear of being lonely, guilt, and the fact that my stupidity runs through my mind.right now i dont know where to go. im sitting here and i dont know what i should do other than to go for the rope i promised cheryl i wouldnt but i cant see anyother way out. this blog is full of bad grammer and spelling, also another thing in life i have failed at. my personal life+education. what happened. it would be convenient to wipe myself off the face of the earth. no one would miss me, no one would even know i was gone. please dont say you will, maybe i find this as a quick fix, thats what i want. i want it to go away, i want me to go away...

the pain of it all...

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 08:08:42 GMT

do we all like being hurt from time to time? do we get satisfaction from it? even though we know we're going to get hurt, why do we do the things we do. closure? sure it occurs but does it last. its just not worth the risk in my eyes

why??

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 04:32:10 GMT

why is it so hard to chose when to try again. i dont know what to do and i have a feeling that one day soon will be the one thing i regret most in this life ==" why is it so hard to know when the previous person is well had truly done. i suppose you dont. all you can is hope and be optimistic.
one more thing, any one got creepy stalkers that just plain scare you now? mine does. shes become clingy and needy towards me saying "im looking for my other half" while looking at you and giving you funny vibes.... three women revolve in my mind but which one is important enough to hurt me so that i will revert to my former self with no emotion and love to be stupid and immature.....

thoughts of you

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 06:00:58 GMT

i think of you alot and for some reason i cant stop. i just wish i could be with you always....
ILY DOTA X]

i should be an emotionless old ass 30yr old

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 02:24:08 GMT

why do things but people the way they do. i mean you look around and everyone seems to be having a good time until you look at yourself and you seem left out. at times one cant take it any more and you see them on top of a building or buying 7 feet of rope. is that where i am, at times i feel so... i sometimes question life and what is the purpose of it. is it to not know and just live it stupidly, alone and unhappy or is that the life that was set out for me. do i hate life, sure. do i hate it enough to do the things listed about.... no X] dont worry cheryl, not heading to the hardware store

sappy blogs again? here i come XD

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 05:52:09 GMT

well, im back people. my usual confused self. ever felt like your life is just perfect but your missing something? i do. what im missing, im missing the one thing i can never seem to get and the only thing that can make me truly happy. i walk around and i see nothing but smiles on peoples faces and i say "what do they have that i dont?" ah i know, someone who loves and cares about them. the fake smiles have come back and i dont know what to do. i want them to be real but no matter what i do i cant seem to make them come out. i kinda feel like listening to wo bu pei-jay chou over and over again. that or kiss goodbye-wang lee hom, because of you-ne-yo or hate that i love you-rihanna ft ne-yo. stay-ne-yo is the song i really want to listen and sing to but it turns out i have no one to sing it to =_="