realization.

well hello there. it's been a while.

since most people spend there time judging me via myspace they won't think to check my xanga i haven't used in forever to see how i really feel/who i really am. totally cool.

i am incredibly hurt by the things people have been saying about me. everyone tells me to not care what they think but that's easier said than done... when it comes back around to them they won't be able to ignore it either.

trust is often wasted. i feel as soon as i think someone really cares or is a true friend to me i realize they were totally JK.

i really love when your friends know how much you dislike someone & yet tell you all about it when they talk to them.

i love when your friends sit & listen while someone complains & carries on about you, their "good friend" and never once defend you.

i love when you listen to people about their problems and when you need someone to listen they are no where around, either they don't have the time or they don't want to listen to how depressing you are.

chill out is not an exceptable way to respond to someone sobbing.

i have discovered how often money gets in between friendships.

Lauren Holben is one good friend of mine.

i think i have become slightly obsessive compulsive because my friends never returned my things i let them borrow or the money i lent them. i do not trust. & it bothers me when people ask to borrow things. it has made me a selfish person. i am a bitch.

i feel so alone. & i would give the world to have more friends who would stick up for me, be on my side & understand. but i know i have put myself in this position. i know i have pushed people away. so i belong in this loneliness.

i have become so jealous of small children & the rich because their lives seem simpler. their lives seem happier. & that is a place i want to be.

sometimes i feel my answer is moving away after highschool. running away from all these people & the things they have said about me that hurt me. but i know deep down that wherever i go. there will people there who will hurt me the same.

"it's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist."

i am truly dreading this year. senior year. because i am dreading making desicions. desicion-making is a true challenge for me. sometimes i don't see myself after senior year & that worries me. will i die before college or am i just to scared to think that far ahead.

lately all i do is cry. i think it is because i feel i have invested my time in a lot of people who have let me down this summer.

it'd probably help if i took my anti-depressants but they keep me from sleeping. and sleeping is the one thing i will always love & will always comfort me. so i can't give that away.

i don't think i will ever find someone who really likes me. not even a friend. i can see through them... deep down i make them all mad.

i am frustrating. insecure. bitter. harsh. rude. obsessive. irritating. & bitchy. never a good combination.

people are cruel.

i think i need to just start working more. make more money to put toward college because my parents aren't paying for any of it.

i wish i was a kid again.

i wish i was stupid enough to be happy.

"I'm sorry I've been so detached lately,
And that I can't even seem to find what to say.
I have all these thoughts inside my mind,
But I know you don't have time enough to stay.
I'll just continue thinking about this forever,
Even though you will never know...
And you will leave me one day and never come back.
But you won't know how much you meant to me."

"But the lows are so extreme that,
the good seems fucking cheap.
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.
But you'll fight and you'll make it through.
You'll fake it if you have to."

"If i'm not what you want,
then don't act like i am."

"Don't do anything halfway;
If you love someone, love them.
If you hate someone, hate them until it hurts."

"rock bottom is good solid ground
and a dead end street is just a place to turn around."

"i don't like being this weak.
feeling this vulnerable.
crying tears that don't need to be shed.
letting you have complete and utter control over me."

Currently Listening As the Eternal Cowboy By Against Me! finally purchased this today. see related

to my strangers.

Well. I forgot how comforting it is to open a webpage of all things you've written.. with a friendly background. and company from comments. Poor xanga, myspace took all of it's users.

Things have been busy. stressful. but beautiful. and also exceptionally ugly.

Wolfie's a lot better. Sometimes he stands on his bad leg. And he doesn't have as many ouchie spots as before. He's healing.

London & Paris. came & went. June 20th thru the 28th.

Next week we're going to Torch Lake.

My Dad sold his truck.

We got rid of cableTV.

My Dad is applying to be an Electrical Advisor at MSU. & Head Landscaper for the City of Lansing. Maybe I will be able to go to college?

My great uncle Gerard.. is here until August 6th.

Fourth of July was nice. We had a little shindig.

I haven't spoken to alot of people that mean something to me. I'm sorry. But don't get cocky (those of you I don't miss) & think I miss you too. Balls out, that's the bottomline.

June 17. Was Dad's birthday & Josh&I's sixth month aniversary he bought me the prettiest ring. I don't deserve.

June 21. Was Christopher's birthday.

Je suis tres fatigue.

Bon soir.

Danielle.

The memories they haunt me. The nights I've lost in the past. The nights I never realized meant so fucking much.

Adieu.

Currently Listening Descended Like Vultures By Rogue Wave see related

well hey

i haven't uhm posted on this bitch in a long time. i can't say it really makes a large difference anymore.

Cheers to finally finding people who are just like you & now losing them to fucking highschool graduation.

Cheers to laughing about everything.

Cheers to having someone you look forward to seeing.

Cheers to enjoying being around your friends.

Cheers to parties.

Cheers to Susie punching Horkey. Who else would have the balls? Not I.

Cheers to first-ever motorcycle rides at midnight in downtown lansing.

Cheers to drinking. smoking. & smiling.

Cheers to people who are strong-willed.

Cheers to dogs.

& Cheers to you.

Love you.

Danielle.

Currently Watching The Prince and Me (Full Screen Edition) see related

well hello there stranger.

My kittycat is sitting on my lap. i really like it because it makes my legs warm.& i like the way she looks at me. she looks so interested in my face. it's odd. now she's hunting down my fingers moving on the keyboard. sly. i wish people were more like her. she doesn't say anything. she just looks at you. and her eyes say more than most people can say in entire conversations. yeah so she's a cat. she might not have a lot to say. but i think she does. or something. she sits on her two back legs & looks like a meerkat. i like that part about her.

Today is a thinking day.

Susie & I are going to Chicago for Spring Break. I am excited now only because she found a hotel in Chicago for super cheap. We are both so indecisive. Making small desicions like taking the stairs vs. an elevator. Might lead to some serious thought processes. Oh my gentle Jesus. I wish I had lots of money. But I don't.

My cat is dangling from the shelf. Watching my eyelashes or something. Freak.

Beauty & the Beast tonight. Sold out. So was last night. It's exciting.

My nose hurts. I don't know what's wrong with it. It bleeds all the time. Yuck.

Well I need to go curl my hair for this gig.

Love Danielle.

"You said my heart sounded like a payphone in the rain. Distorted, distant, scrambled and desperate. Baby, I swear to God tonight I am sober. It's the reception between us that's failing"

"You can only run from the memories for so long
before fate stabs you in the back.
And you fall so deep in what could have been
that the "maybes" and "what ifs" strangle you."

"Your so pityful its pretty.
And I doubt you even feel a thing
Little girl just stop bleeding
Your being too dramatic
and what will your boyfriend think
If he finds you a mess like this.
Silly thing, your nothing without him."