went to the hospital, he wasn't doing so well. he fell asleep, so i went home.

my dad came home a few minutes ago and told me.

"he's dead."

he's fucking dead. i don't even know how to react right now. i don't even know what to say.

i feel like fucking dying.

i'm just going to go lay down. funeral and such will be approaching and i still don't know what to say.

fuck. just fuck.

rest in peace, i love you so much. i promise i'll talk to you every night. i miss you. i love you. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you.

hey everyone. sorry i haven't updated in like a million years and i haven't answered liek any comments. i really mean to, i just don't have the energy/time/patience. hahahah but i do love all of you a whole lot <3

modeling :: the same jeans as like.... all fucking month // a big grey florida state t-shit // a greyish blue jack johnson hoodie

listening :: jack johnson!

mood :: fatfatfatfat // tiredddddd

****** princess_sophiaa is a lameass. please bitch at her, she obviously cannot seem to comprehend what i say to her. oh, and be prepared for numerous spelling mistakes like understand (she spells it andersand). hahahaha oh god. xanga xanga xang, why do you let stupid people exist? why oh why.....

so anyways. i haven't changed clothes in like.... a week. i haven't been to school since tuesday. hahah i just keep not going. i haven't showered since tuesday either ahahah god i'm so gross. oh yeah, i'm really fat.

i've been pretty stoned all week. we just kept smoking shitloads of really really good maryjane and then i tripped for liek 2 days straight ahahahah it was a fun time. i dunno, since like wednesday, i probably had like 500 calories toal. which is nice. i just was too high and having too much fun to ruin it with food.

um, grandpa's not doing so good....i don't really wanna go on with that.

i just feel like passing the fuck out man. i'm so beat.

my parents didn't mind me skipping school. they knew i was at the hospital like 60% of the time, and they knew that this might be my last week with him, so they figured that school really isn't a priority when someone is about to be taken from you for the rest of your life. they also said just to go out and have fun this week. just not care about school, they'll call and sort everything out. they said that the last thing they want is for me to go to school and fail everything, rather than not go and be able to give more of an effort later on. i'm so thankful for them sometimes. they get to be a bit much, being a bit too controlling and caring about stupid things, but then they get the stuff that some parents don't. like the other night, they told me that they don't care if i smoke, they'll even get me cigarettes as long as i do not under any circumstances smoke in the house.

AND they said that pot's not such a big deal. (they were total hippies back in the day - they met at woodstock hahahah. half of the clothes i have are my mom's from back in the day) and they said that they didn' mind if me and a few friends smoked up in the basement. it was a loooong conversation, but they were basically saying that if they try to stop me, i'll only do worse things. which does make sense if you think about it.

hahahahah it's fucking awesome.

i'm going to go watch the OC nonstop. hahahah and pass out. god i'm dead fucking tired.

p                            e                            a                            c                            e

modeling :: light washed (& really old, i wear them all the time) big jeans // a long sleeved big off-white john lennon t-shirt thing // bracelets & other jewelry // my red braided flats

listening :: fiona apple

mood :: gross. and fat. like always.

but i had like 500 calories today! i'm FUCKING DISGUSTING

i had 2 slices of cinnamon bread (160 cals)

14 organic honey gram stick things (130 cals)

some banana crunchy cereal things? i don't even know (about 150 cals)

that's like 440, but i'm rounding. just incase i forgot something or breathed in some calories or something.

oh, kate. everyone loves kate. it's like, breathing. you just do it. not because you have to, but because it's part of everyone's genetic makeup. hahah

uh compare the two. i know that this is an oldie, but it's a goodie. and uh you cam see her ribs and her arms are tiny and her face is more structured than that of ashley. i'm really jealous.

ahahah they look drunk. or high. but mk's thinner, and prettier and look at her legs!! ugh. i want to be her so badly. well, the before her, not the now her. uhhh you get it.

gfukfjhgvdj i need to fucking die.

<3twiggy<3

comment on the previous entry, i'll get back to them later tonight. and i'll probably enable comments and update this entry later tonight too with lots of pictures and stuff.

okay so i updated. i worked out a bunch. i have new diet pills. i have lost a few lbs since sunday. i'm sort of happy. i always get angry though cause it's never enough.

whatever. i need pictures.

and finally,

ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH. don't mind the logo, i found it on some other site. and uh it's not funny junk, it's true junk. for me, at least.

comment && subscribe. <3

hey everyone. i tried updating last night but my computer kept shutting down and so i gave up. but anyways....

sarah michelle gellar is so fucking beautiful.

modeling :: big dark grey bob dylan t-shirt // destroyed jeans // black flats

listening :: the postal service's 'this place is a prison' (i can put a song on reapeat and listen to it over and over again and not get sick of it hahahah)

mood :: really really large.

i need some serious thinspo today. i feel gross.

i've had 330 calories today. and diet coke and water and stuff. i still feel gross. i need to work it off. ew. i'm really disgusting. if any of you saw me, you'd probably kill yourself. i don't know how much i weigh. i'm scared to do it. still. i dunno, maybe a week of small things will be enough to put me on that scale. hopefull i'll be less than 120 (i was 121 last time i weighed myself, about 2-3 weeks ago). blahhh i'm so nervous though.

my grandpa got moved to a new room.it's meant for 2 people, but it's only him in there. they figured since he won't be around much longer they might as well let him be happy. they moved the other bed up against his so that mu grandpa can put the bars down and it'll be like one big bed so they can fall asleep together instead of her in a chair. i wanted to cry. it's so cute and so fucking sad.

i LOOOVE this picture. she's so fucking cute and small and her jeans are huge and ugh.

today i think i'm going to go get coffee and smoke a shitload of cigarettes with bianca today. it should be relaxing. we'll probably go back to her house with alex (her brother, a year older than us) and osme other people and get wasted or something. hahah it should be fun. her parents are gone until tuesday and they trust them so it's all good.

cute little MK stretching. she's got a little bit of a stomache here, but it's okay cause she's tan and adorable. i love her outfit by the way. and i think she just ate, so i guess it's alright.

oh, and sorry if i didn't answer comments from the last entry. i can never remember if i did or not. i have horrible memory.

when i am thin i will lay in a field with my bikini and be peaceful. i will.

that looks so relaxing and beautiful. just walking through the woods with flowers in your hair and pretty clothes on. i'll do that. i will. but i'd rather go barefoot. hahah

hips!!!

oh hana, i love you so.

"we are all just prisoners here, of our own device."

modeling :: red and white striped pj pants // big white plain t-shirt ( i like to get changed early from school hahah)

listening :: guster

mood :: fat. as usual. tired. as usual.

okay, so intake was lame, yet again. i think i had around 400-500 cals? grossss. i'm not eating anything for the rest of the day though. honestly, i'm determined.

awe she's cute. not as skinny as before, but cute none the less.

did anyone else notice how she's dressing in looser clothes? like how she used to when she was getting really beautiful and tiny? hmm....something to look out for maybe. yayy

i feel huge. i always feel huge. i'm growing and expanding and it's driving me up the wall. i can't control myself. i can't be alive. i'm so tired of living. i need something new. something good. like being small, tiny, thin. and maybe some new drug or something. or maybe a new friend. or something. i dunno.

i visited my grandpa today after school. only for like an hour though. he's not doing so well, but i've excepted the inevitable. i think he has too. he knows that the pain will be gone soon, and he will be in a better place. he said not to miss me, i'll see him and time and he'll always be with me. i hugged him, and we played go fish. hahahah and then my grandma came in so i left and came home.

i just want to be happy. i just want to be thin. i'll be happy when i am thin.

i was looking through some pictures last night and i started to cry so hard. i haven't cried in so long. but i saw pictures of me and some friends and everything of last year. last year, when the 80's were what i weighed. how did i get this fat? my clothes hung on me, i was a 00 and they were falling off. i miss it. i felt free. i know that i was angry and felt fat, but i remember times where i felt free. where i was known as the skinny girl. now i'm known as the formerly skinny girl. i want to shrink back to what i was. and i will. i will i will i will.

"& you're not really sure what you're

doing this for

but you need something to fill up the

days."

ohh, mischa. love her so so much.

she's gorgeous!!!! look at her hip. ughhh mischaaaaaaa

comments, lovelies. that'd be great.