Weblog

Saturday, July 26, 2008

  • RIP

    Dr. Randy Pausch died today.

    if you've been off-planet and haven't heard who he is, you can watch his last lecture on YouTube. it's probably the most inspirational thing you'll ever see...

    i'm not sure what physical cause there is for it, but every time i watch that video or even think about it, my eyes start to fill with water. the really strange thing is that it used to happen even before he died...there's just something about that man's attitude towards life that makes me...almost ashamed. i go thru life every day wishing i was dead...hoping that every time i drive my car or cross a street that i'll have lived my last minute. then here's a guy with cancer, given six months to live, has a wife and three kids, and lives his life to the fullest...talking about overcoming obstacles and having fun...and he is literally dying. ok we're all literally dying, but he was pretty much told when his time was up.

    it's made me wonder today how i would react if i was told i only had a certain amount of time to live. would i be like Dr. Pausch and experience all i could before i go? or would i live like i do now, counting the hours until i finally get to rid myself of this burden we call "life"? i decided a couple things a long time ago if i was ever in that situation - 1) i would refuse chemotherapy. i knew someone once who went thru it...they kept saying that the chemo was more painful than the actual cancer. 2) i wouldn't tell anyone. when i die, it'll be a surprise to you, whether it is to me or not. sorry but this is not negotiable...i'm not gonna have everyone i know (or anyone i know) crying every day, calling every day to see how i feel, visiting all the time cuz it might be the last time....i had enough of that when i was in the hospital. i'll give you this hint tho - one thing i've always wanted to do before i die ("bucket list" time) is to see the pyramids in Egypt, so if you ever hear about me going on a long trip to the middle east, either i won the lottery or i'm not gonna be around much longer. to be honest, i'm not sure which one i'd be happier about...

    well, the main thing i wanna say is that, altho it doesn't seem like it a lot of the time, i really do want to enjoy life. i want to be like this guy and have fun every minute and be positive and just live the crap out of life. i want that more than you can imagine. and i try - another thing that may be hard to believe - i do try to have that attitude and be happy with what i have and appreciate everything God has given me. but as a wise old jedi master once said - "do or do not...there is no try". so i guess i "do not". and every day i get up again and say "this day's gonna be different - this is gonna be a good day"...and by the end of that day i am so ready to lie down for the last time and never get up again.

    oh well...tomorrow's gonna be different....


Monday, July 21, 2008

  • Sorry

    I'm sorry
    -- "I'm Sorry" by Flyleaf

    i heard recently that if you've ever lied to someone or hurt them somehow without them knowing it, that there are great benefits to confessing these sins to the person you have wronged. "they" say that keeping these secrets inside hidden from other people make you more distant and can actually harm the relationship more than just admitting what you've done. i personally have a problem with lying and hurting people without them knowing it. if i admitted everything to everyone i've hurt, i'd be a busy man. for example, i cheated on my gf once. if i were to tell her about that, we might not be together anymore. yeah i do feel guilty about it still, but i don't really think about it unless i see the woman i cheated with, and that doesn't happen much thankfully, so would it really be a benefit for me to tell her about it?

    some things i did so long ago, i wonder if it really matters anymore. example: when i first learned to drive, i went out with a girl and when i was driving her home, there was some construction on the road and i bottomed out the car (i was kinda going too fast). it started up right away and ran fine, but when i took it home my mom went to start it and it made this howling noise like nothing i've ever heard before. she asked me if anything happened to the car and i was like "no...it ran fine all nite". i know - stupid lie cuz what else happened to the car if it wasn't me? someone came in the nite and banged up the bottom of the car randomly? i never did admit to it tho...and i still feel a little guilty i guess, but i mean what's the point bringing it up now?

    so the point is yeah i carry around a lot of guilt, but to me that seems easier than possibly losing every friend i have and pissing off a lot of relatives. in the interest of easing my guilt (hey - it can't hurt right?) i'm going to confess some of my wrong-doings here, and we'll see if i feel better...so here ya go:
    - i'm sorry i slept with her
    - i'm sorry i didn't give it back
    - i'm sorry i said i'd be there and i wasn't
    - i'm sorry i have these feeling about you
    - i'm sorry i lied to you about the site
    - i'm sorry i touched you
    - i'm sorry i lied about me
    - i'm sorry i broke your computer
    - i'm sorry i banged the car and lied about it
    - i'm sorry i didn't call
    - i'm sorry i didn't stop
    - i'm sorry i didn't go to the hospital
    - i'm sorry i lied about seeing her
    - i'm sorry i didn't tell you all the other times i saw her
    - i'm sorry i stole that
    - i'm sorry i looked
    - i'm sorry i made you do that when you didn't want to
    - i'm sorry i said that
    - i'm sorry i acted like that on that nite
    - i'm sorry i hit on your cousin
    - i'm sorry i killed your dog
    - i'm sorry i lied about us
    - i'm sorry i lied about her
    - i'm sorry i've been ignoring you
    - i'm sorry i didn't take you home
    - i'm sorry i blew you off
    - i'm sorry i yelled
    - i'm sorry i said i knew when i didn't
    - i'm sorry i didn't say hi
    - i'm sorry i didn't talk to you
    - i'm sorry i stopped talking to you
    - i'm sorry i told them about you
    - i'm sorry i said it was ok when it wasn't
    - i'm sorry i didn't write back
    - i'm sorry i went there and didn't tell you
    - i'm sorry i didn't invite you
    - i'm sorry i think about you like that
    - i'm sorry i'm jealous
    - i'm sorry i didn't stop sooner
    - i'm sorry for disappointing you
    - i'm sorry for hurting you
    - i'm sorry i forgot about you
    - i'm sorry

    many of those would be listed several times...and i'm sure there are more that i just can't think of right now cuz i'm tired, so i'm sorry if i missed saying "i'm sorry" to anyone.

    note: do i feel better now? no. i feel like crap having to re-live all the stupid, mean, dishonest, illegal things i've done in my life. i suppose actually saying "i'm sorry" to the person i offended would have some benefit....or it could just make me feel like this with the added bonus of having lost a friend too. we'll see if i sleep better tonite....


  • Hurt Message Love

    I hurt myself today
    -- "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails

    i actually did hurt myself today...not on purpose this time tho (sorry to disappoint). i nearly broke my thumb...it's pretty swollen and painful, but i'm fortunate i don't use that thumb to type at all. i would tell you how i nearly broke my thumb, but the story is so incredibly stupid i'm embarrassed to tell it...no really - it's along the lines of Sammy Sosa sneezing his back out, or the dude who just went on the DL cuz he hit his head on the bottom of a swimming pool. to make myself feel better i'm going to tell people i jammed it playing one on one with Anthony Carter.

    k i just read my friend's site, and maybe i'm the only one this happens to, but she likes to send me hidden messages in song lyrics and frequently i have no idea what the message is. sometimes i'll ask her and she'll mock me and then eventually tell me the meaning, but most of the time i just read it, say to myself "what the hell??" and pretend i know what's going on. today's is one of those where if you just read it, you'd be like "ok...this isn't good" but she doesn't usually send forboding messages like that and it kinda doesn't fit with how our relationship is right now (at least i thought). so i figure one of three things is true - 1) it's not really a message for me, 2) it is for me, but it means something deep that i'm not catching, or 3) it means what it appears to mean, in which case i have a lot of apologizing to do about something. (btw i'd link to it, but she just made a new site and i don't think she wants it spread around, if you know what i mean) if it's not #3 and i get a chance to, i'll ask and let you know next time k?

    did you ever see The Phantom of the Opera? i saw the play twice and the movie bunches of times. i love that show. i watched it the other day and every time i see it i find myself relating more and more with the phantom. it's not so much the killing people or that i love wearing a mask and a cape (altho a cape is very becoming on me) - it's more having a girl who looks up to me in some kind of an admirable way, who i love in a way i'm really not supposed to. yes, for those who know my life story, i really think i do still love her. i saw her the other day and she told me a story of something kinda bad that happened to her, and for a moment i felt a burst of fear about what i would do if anything ever did happen to her. i watch Phantom and that scene at the end where she kisses him and he lets her go...i think so much of this girl every time i see that. if she ever kissed me like that, well i don't think she's strong enough to hold me up and i know my legs wouldn't so....bah - listen to me...rambling on all romantic and mushy. this is how i get in trouble in my head y'know - thinking about things that won't ever happen. somebody smack me in the head if i bring this up again...


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

  • Someone else (in 1 song)

    a cliché-ish message for the one person i actually know here:

    I'm not a perfect person
    There's many things I wish I didn't do
    But I continue learning
    I never meant to do those things to you
    And so I have to say before I go
    That I just want you to know

    I've found a reason for me
    To change who I used to be
    A reason to start over new
    and the reason is you

    I'm sorry that I hurt you
    It's something I must live with everyday
    And all the pain I put you through
    I wish that I could take it all away
    And be the one who catches all your tears
    Thats why I need you to hear

    I've found a reason for me
    To change who I used to be
    A reason to start over new
    and the reason is you [x4]

    I'm not a perfect person
    I never meant to do those things to you
    And so I have to say before I go
    That I just want you to know

    I've found a reason for me
    To change who I used to be
    A reason to start over new
    and the reason is you

    I've found a reason to show
    A side of me you didn't know
    A reason for all that I do
    And the reason is you
    ("Reason" by Hoobastank, in case you've been on a deserted island since 2003)

    i've been doing a lot of thinking because my life is a bit messed up right now (as if that's new) and looking back, you've been a constant in my life for the last 3+ years...and tho things have been up and down, calm and turbulent, peaceful and stressful...you're still there. i think together we've had just about every emotion there is...we've been more than close and super distant...felt many different kinds of love...and you're still there. i say all the time i wish i could be a better person to deserve you as a friend...and i think about the life i'd have (or wouldn't have) if you hadn't been there. i know i don't show it much now because of who i've had to become with the circumstances of my life, but you mean as much to me as you always have, and you really do make me want to be more. wherever our friendship goes and whatever we become, i'll always be here praying for you.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

  • Me (in 7 quotes)

    Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.
    -- Mother Teresa

    To be kind to all, to like many and love a few, to be needed and wanted by those we love, is certainly the nearest we can come to happiness.
    -- Mary Stuart

    Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.
    -- Storm Jameson

    with a sad heart i say bye to you and wave
    kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that i had made
    and like a baby boy i never was a man
    until i saw your blue eyes cry and i held your face in my hand
    and then i fell down yelling "make it go away!"
    just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
    and then she whispered "how can you do this to me    ?"
    -- "Hate Me" by Blue October

    I wear this crown of shit
    Upon my liars chair
    Full of broken thoughts
    I cannot repair
    Beneath the stain of time
    The feeling disappears
    You are someone else
    I am still right here
    -- "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails

    Always confusing the thoughts in my head
    So I can't trust myself anymore
    I'm dying again
    -- "Going Under" by Evanescence

    The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.
    -- C.S. Lewis