So I wanted to say thanks for the comments regarding my previous post.  I am feeling better, though every day I kick myself a bit for being back in school.  Argh.  I still wish I had studied this when I was in college the first time, but alas, that is not the case.  But I do feel better overall.  Thanks for the comments, friends.

In other craziness, Josh and I looked at wedding rings!    Join with me please, in being shocked.  Usually scenes like that only happen in my head, so the reality of looking at wedding rings together may have boggled my entire brain.  All my powers of concentration have ceased, and though we aren't officially engaged, I now lie awake at night staring off into space and thinking about weddings.  We've been talking about getting married for a little while, and I have lived in my little imagination believing we would get engaged sometime soon, but I am so used to living in my little imagination that it sort of shocked the pants off me when he suggested we go look at rings. 

So there it is, people.  Perhaps all my little pretend scenarios in my brain will come true. This has far reaching implications for our world.  I guess the world travelling tube system will also come to pass, gas prices will plummet, my room will be clean and I will get to paint all day. Fantastic!

 

I used to have this theory (patent pending) that people would more adamantly deny an insult that was more accurate than a terribly inaccurate one.  For instance, if someone told me I was a clean freak - that I was so obsessive about cleanliness I couldn't enjoy life- I would kinda laugh, say "No, I'm not" and that would be it. I wouldn't feel the need to give evidence of my messiness, because the notion that I am a clean freak is pretty much ridiculous. However, if someone said I was a liar (which, by definition, is someone who has told a lie) I would probably go to great lengths to deny this was true. I would probably cite times I hadn't lied, or recent truths I'd told, or try and give some sort of evidence that I was a truthful person.  However, people, I have told lies.  I am, by definition, a liar.  But I sure wouldn't want them to know that.  Because this word 'liar' holds more truth than 'neat freak' I would go to more lengths to convince myself and others that it was a false label.

Recently, I am trying very hard to convince myself I am not a wuss.  I went mountain biking a few weeks ago and I picked a trail which was way too hard.  This meant I flipped over my handlebars, walked my bike more than I rode it, and eventually ended up crying because I was so frustrated.  The whole time  I kept thinking "I bet so-and-so wouldn't cry now.  She's tough.  Cowboy up, Bethany."  But instead I cried, and I was with Josh, which made it worse because I don't want him to think I'm a wuss.  And I hate crying in front of people. Now I have bruises on my legs from the trail (which I show to everyone cause it makes me feel tough) and I feel rather fearful about mountain biking in the future.

Now, I don't know why this word "wuss" is such an insult to me, but it is.  I interpret it as someone who doesn't pull their weight, someone who gives up easily, someone who can't take a challenge.  In my mind, a wuss cries a lot (dang it!).  In my mind, a wuss complains a lot. A wuss lets fear dictate what he/she does or doesn't do.

I got attacked by a dog a few years back.  Actually, it was five years ago.  I am still nervous around big scary dogs.  Or dogs that bark.  Sometimes when I am on walks I hear a sudden noise and it freaks me out because I am convinced a dog is going to attack me.  Usually it's a squirrel or a bird.  I came to the unfortunate realization that if a dog did run after me while I was with someone, the only people I would probably get in front of to rescue from an impending dog attack would be my mom or small children.  Everyone else I would trip so the dog would bite them first.  No, really, I think I would.

Now, I am trying to convince myself that I am not a wuss.  I like to think I am tough and brave and courageous.  However, overwhelming evidence is not pointing towards those adjectives. 

So my question is this:  how do you become more tough?  Should I start to eat nails?