Well, things just seem to have went to bad to worse to much better over the weekend.  I don't know if excessive mood swings are a part of the side effects of the meds or what.  Friday I talked to my mom and I was so optimistic.  I wasn't going to let this beat me or define me.  I wasn't going to let it get me down.  I was going to learn and grow and get better.  Then, by the time I got home from work on Friday evening, I was completely and totally a wreck.  As soon as I walked in the door, I burst into tears.  My roomates are awesome and they were there for me.  They sat with me until I was ok again. 

I woke up Saturday and I didn't want to get out of bed.  But, there were around a million people at my house and I knew that, if I didn't get up, someone would come in there and get me.  I just wanted to be by myself.  All day, I just laid on the living room floor wishing that I could crawl into my bed and be around no one.  But, I knew they would give me shit about it.  So, I just laid there.  They wanted me to go out with them that night and I kept saying no and they kept begging me.  Then, around 8:00 that evening, I decided to get in the shower.  See if it made me feel better.  As soon as I got in, one of my roomates decided to get into her shower.  It made the water go cold and I flipped out.  I jumped out of the shower, without washing my hair or my body, and just jumped into bed.  They took turns coming in and out of my room for about 2 hours or so, trying to get me out of bed and back in the shower.  Mel was finally able to get me to go.  I got back in the shower and I just stood in there and cried and cried.  I was so sad because I don't want to be this girl.  I don't want to be the girl that people have to carry around on their backs all the damn time.  I knew that they best thing would be for me to get out of the house for a while...but I just didn't have the will to do it. 

I called Mom after getting out of the shower and I talked to her for quite a while.  I cried some more.  She wonders if I might need to go to a hospital for a while.  I told her no.  I can't do that.  I would lose my job and my apartment and my car.  I just can't do that.  I can't let this illness disturb my life that much.  Then she asked if I needed to take a "mini" vacation and go stay with my Aunt Lisa for a while.  I, again, told her no.  I can't do that.  I can't run from myself.  No matter where I go, I'll always be there, so there is no point.  I might as well stay here.  I have a really great "safety net" of people here.  They know what is happening and they are trying to help me the best they know how.

But, then, yesterday was wonderful.  I had not one mood swing or panic attack all day long.  And, it was my baby girl's (Lily, my dog) birthday.  She turned 4 years old!  The roomates and I kicked it into gear and cleaned up the dining room.  From all of the people moving in and out in the last 6 months, we had quite a collection of boxes.  So, we got that cleaned up and then we put up two Christmas trees and all of our Christmas decorations.  When I woke up this morning, it felt great to walk into a clean living room.  My bedroom and bathroom are another story...but, I'm taking that one step at a time.

Today, I'm ok.  I've been better.  But, I'm not depressed or feeling in the least bit manic.  Actually, I'm not feeling much of anything today.  I feel a little bit numb.  I know that I can't wait to get home from work tonight.  And, I'm feeling a tiny bit anxious.  But, other than that, I'm just here.  Weird!

I see my new therapist (Alice) on Thursday.  I'm really excited about it.  I think the talk therapy is going to help me deal with some things that need to be dealt with.  And, hopefully, she'll be able to better help me understand this disease that I am dealing with.