Ok, so it seems as though things are sliding backwards.  Today, I woke up feeling a little depressed.  But, more to the point, I feel lonely.  Really, really lonely.  Lonely to a point that my heart hurts.  God, I hate this!  And, I feel somewhat desperate.  I don't know what I'm desperate for...just desperate.  I have a thought in my head that won't go away.  I don't really think I'm ready to talk about what it is, but it just won't go away.  It's been with me for a couple of weeks, but it's growing worse and worse.  Just someone that I can't get out of my brain.  Someone that is always there.  The weirdest part about it is that I don't know this person.  I have seen them a few places.  Every now and then.  We sort of run with the same circles.  But, I've never even been formally introduced.  But, I just keep thinking about them.  This is bad news for me.

I have a tendancy to do this somewhat often.  I build someone or something up in my head, with no basis what so ever.  I don't know if this is a good person or not.  I know nothing about them.  I really don't.  It's weird.  But, what happens is this:  I build them up and then, when I actually meet them and get to know them, it's a total let down.  They are never the people that my brain made them up to be.  I do it with friends, romantic interests, and I also do it with situations.  I'll think, "Oh, we're going to this place and this neat thing is going to happen and I'm going to meet this many people and it's going to be the best...etc., etc."  And then, it never happens the way my mind told me it was going to.  And it crushes me.  Oh well, I'll live.  And, I'm sure that after a few days, this person will slowly fade from my brain.  I talked, just briefly, about this to my psychiatrist.  And I'll mention it to my therapist on Thursday.  It's something that I have to stop because it often "crushes" me.  And then I have to try and "drag" myself out of some unwarranted depression.

But, I suppose that with bipolar disorder, there is no warranted depression.  I guess I don't ever really have a reason.  I wish I did.  People will say, "Why are you crying?" or "Why are you anxious?"  And I always tell them that is the beauty of mental disorders...there is no reason.  Sometimes I can tell you, but most of the time, I have no idea.  How did I ever get this lucky?  I say that with all the sarcasm I can muster...