My mom told me today that she thinks I need one of those Victorian era respites in the English countryside.  You know, when people in 19th century novels fly off to a country estate to regain their sanity, eat well, go for walks in the garden and wear big, floppy hats while they read and write or try and get over their last lover. 

I agreed.

I haven't seriously taken care of myself in a long time.  College really took a toll on me and I'm only now becoming aware of what the total damage is and how I can deal with it.  Not to mention the insane summer I've had.  It's unfortunate that I'm saying this as my summer ends, as I look forward to my first day of work in only three days.  But I must still believe that I can take care of myself even when I am busy, even when I'm doing a stressful job.  Indeed, I HAVE to take care of myself if I want to have any hope of getting through my first year of teaching and grad school.

 There's a lot going on in my head and my heart these days.  Life is difficult and it takes its toll.  My own thoughts and anxieties take their toll as well. 

 At least, I have the most amazing parents in the world.  And plenty of other people that love me.  I just need to let them.  I seem to have problems with that.  I guess because I've always thought of myself as very self-sufficient and anything less than total independence seems unacceptable.  Arrogant, I suppose.  Or maybe just a flawed conception.

 I do need love.  A lot.

 Thanks for indulging all my idiotic, whiny shit.

Short story of a long emotional breakdown:

Deal with apartment fell through

The falling through was caused by my reassessment of my financial situation, an exorbitant and unexpected broker's fee and my inability to actually make it through the next six weeks with enough money to live on while paying an outrageous rent...

I cried for two hours

I have left my good friend and hopefully still prospective roommate in a tough situation

I feel guilty

I am stressed

And I still have to finish my last week of training which means lesson planning, teaching, attending seminars and turning in assigned work, in addition to finishing my grad school application

I am ready to get on a bus back to PA and NEVER come back to this city or this program

Yes, I am seeing the glass half empty right now.  YES, I am looking at things from the bleaker side. 

YES, I will get over it.

  So, with two weeks of NYCTF training left and then one month before work as a real teacher begins my newest challenge in this great big city has been finding an apartment to call my own.  Zaineb (my close friend and future roommate) and I have gone aparment hunting for the past two Fridays.  Yesterday we dragged ourselves up and down the west side of Harlem and Washington Heights in the unbelievable heat looking at some promising places.  Now, for weekend, we have to think about it and by Monday, we have to give someone an answer.

  The place in Washington Heights is on 187th and Cabrini in the most idyllic New York neighborhood I have ever seen.  It's a predominantly Jewish community, but there are lots of different people.  There's a park right nearby us, as well as the Cloisters (a fairly famous nook of NYC full of bike trails and trees and gardens and a restaurant), and the apartment has the most incredible view of the Hudson River.  It's easily accessible to a major subway and the whole area feels really family oriented and really safe.

  There's just one thing.  It's a two bedroom place but one bedroom is significantly smaller than the other.  You can fit a bed in there but not much else.  Zaineb and I would either have to share the bigger bedroom and make the other room an office or one of us would have to make the sacrifice.  Grr.

  Then, option #2 is on 142nd St. in Harlem.  The bedrooms are evenly sized, it comes with a washer and dryer, it's owner occupied, plenty of space, blah blah blah.  It's also got rent $100 higher and the neighborhood, though it isn't bad, doesn't compare with Cabrini.  Boo.

  It's a really big decision.  Possibly the next two years of my life.  Maybe even more, depending.  It's a lot to think about. 

  And it's so freaking hot thatI don't feel like thinking about much of anything, especially not the work I should have been doing today.  Tomorrow I may to Pleasantville to hear some music and I'll definitely be seeing an old friend in the city for dinner.  Two weeks to go, two weeks.  Then, Camp Shehaqua...here I come.