I wrote this on Thursday night before bed.

Oh boy what have I done?  So, I called Eric today at 12 and he didn’t call back until 7.  This makes me feel like he’s avoiding me.  Then when he did call I started to say what I had written about me worrying he thought I was cold and standoffish.  And he said he was so tired he didn’t even see that I was being that way.  Okay good.  And then I said, “because I don’t know where we stand and I knew you didn’t need me all over you while you’re trying to make a decision.”  And that’s where it backfired.  He said, “Let’s talk about this later,” and then he reiterated the conversation we had had about me working at the free clinic and helping people and getting ready for my test.  It was like in his mind he was erasing the entire part of the conversation that he wanted to avoid.  So, we got off the phone.  Gracie told me that I have had months to sit and stew and think about these things (relationship, marriage, where we’ll be in a year) and he has only had a matter of days.  He is scared.  He needs time to think.  And he can’t do that with me attached to his back (calling him and seeing him).  Basically by me trying to say I’m not pressuring him, I am indeed pressuring him.  He has thought about this so much that he freaked out and is choosing not to think about it right now.  But he is thinking all the same things.  He really wants a long-term relationship.  So he is thinking about marriage and children and where we will be in a year.  I’m in love.  I don’t care what a year will hold.  I feel like I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.  And he is trying to plan everything out.  He wants to know that we will cross the bridge safely or he doesn’t want to start the journey.  The problem is, no matter how many fail-safe plans you put into action to make sure you are fine, something can always go wrong at any minute.  I could die tomorrow.  So I should love for today.  So I need to stop calling him and stop trying to hang out with him.  If I give him enough time he will realize he is missing me and that will help him ultimately to make his decision.  The real problem is I can’t get this shit off my mind.  I told him on the phone last Saturday that I would be patient and give him the time he needed.  And then all this week my mind has been blown up with all of the “what-ifs” and I have been more needy than ever before… because I’m scared.  Normally if I didn’t talk to him for a day or two I would be fine.  This past week I have felt like something is terribly wrong if I don’t talk to him every day.  Oi!  We are just going through a sensitive time right now.  It will all work out in the end… as long as I’m patient.  And the truth is I can’t go back.  If he decides that he can’t be with me… then I need to walk on.  I need to move forward.  I need to truly let him go.  But of course I’m not going to tell him that.  That will only lead to more pressure and a disastrous outcome.  So here I am, ready for bed.  I will just keep reminding myself that he loves me and he wants to be with me.  I just need to give him time.  PS: Gracie thinks he is not confident enough to think that he is good enough for me.  I need to show the confidence to him that I showed to him on Friday and Saturday.  She told me she knows I have it, she saw it tonight at the pharmacy.  I am a confident woman.  Just let it all flow.  By letting that happen he will see that I am sure he is the right guy and good enough for me, and I in turn am good enough and the right woman for him.  Goodnight.

Public Viewers

Currently Listening Eye To The Telescope By KT Tunstall see related

Life

These are just a few of many; but these seem to ring true tonight.  I am a control freak.  I am scared to lose control.  I know why that is; because every time I let go I fuck up.  I make a mistake.  This scares the hell out of me.  And while I feel at the time like my mistake is the biggest catastrophe of my life (that's my drama queen side that sticks out every now and then).  Why are mistakes so scary?  If that is what brings growth.  Maturation. Life.  You're supposed to learn from your mistakes.  It's supposed to be okay to make mistakes.  Its just never felt okay to me.  You're also allowed to make the same mistake multiple times.  As many times as you have to in order to learn from it and not do it again.  Life is exhausting.  You're always trying to do the right thing... say the right thing... be the right thing for someone else.  Only when I learn that mistakes are okay will I stop feeling like all of my mistakes are enormous and visible to everyone else.  Then mistakes will be as small as adding two creamers to your coffee instead of one.  In the mean time I suppose I'll keep going and I'll just try to figure this one out on my own.  What more could anyone ask for?

AAARRRGGHHH!!!!

God everything is driving me effing nuts!  It's almost like my skin is crawling!  I just want to pull my hair out!  I am treating everyone like shit and I don't mean to it's just happening.  I just don't want to be around others right now and unfortunately I can't get away from them.  I can't get away fast enough that is.  Jesus.  My to do list is so effing long and it just keeps getting longer.  I am knocking things off it right and left and every time I turn around new things are added to it.  For instance, here is tomorrow: carpool to work with mom which gets me to work 30 minutes early (for reasons told later); work until 6pm; drive 30 minutes in wrong direction to pick up grandma, get grandma's new car; go to dinner with the family; drive out to Shelton (30 minute round trip whose only purpose is to get pay check), drive mom back to drug store to drop off mom, drive out to grandma's to drop her off and pick up old car, drive old car out to mom's house, pack for trip, pick up Kris for trip, come back to house to pack more, leave for airport at 4 in the morning and drive to Portland airport.  I hopefully will relax and breathe normally when the plane takes off for Oklahoma.  Oklahoma where the wind comes rolling on the plain.  I am going to drink my ass off.  It will be so hot it's not like there's much else to do.  I NEED A VACATION!!!! I guess that's it.  You always feel better after typing furiously for no particular reason.  I should just put on headphones that tell me to breathe in and out. I'm obviously not sleeping well.  It's amazing that I can even function at this point.  Somebody help me???