I've been out of school for 2 months, and I'm ready to go back.  I don't want to go back for class or football or ROTC; I want to go back to be with Patrick.  I miss him so much it's not even funny.  If it's this hard now, how's it going to be in the future. 

He leaves the 5th, and it's breaking my heart. 

I'll be at NW this fall, no matter what.  I lost my federal funding (eg Pell Grant and Subsidized Loans).  Even though my overall GPA is still high enough to receive them, my NW GPA is not.  I'm not sure how that works, but that's how it is.  So I'm working 3 jobs this summer to raise some funds and then I'll borrow the rest, I guess.  I have $1300 from my pageant winnings that goes straight to scholarships, and by the end of the summer I should have about $2500 to add to it.  That still leaves me with a big chunk to pay for.  I wish money grew on trees.

On a different note, my little brother left today for the Air Force Academy.  He'll be there for the next 4 years, then serve for 10.  He just got his private piolet's license this summer, so that will put him ahead of a bunch of the other cadets.  His next 6 weeks will be hell; running, pushing, the usual stuff the military uses to "break you in". 

My baby sister just turned 16 and is now old enough to drive and date.  I always thought it was ironic that my parents didn't let us date until we could drive...both of the people I slept with in high school were in cars.....Hopefully she doesn't make the same mistakes I did.  She's smarter than I am, and doesn't show affection through the physical, so chances are it'll be a while. 

I found out a person I used to be close to is a dealer, and if I cared enough, I'd be pissed.  Way to lie, again.

FINALS WEEK!

I'm not stressed about the tests.  I'm crazy because in 4 days I go from seeing Patrick pretty much 24/7 to maybe every other week.  All I wanted to do tonight was stay over and cuddle all night, but his stupid room mate decided to come home at 12...when he doesn't even have tests until Tuesday. 
I'm also freaking out that Miss Missouri is in 5 weeks and I'm no where near ready.  I got the swimsuit in the mail last week...bleach.  I hate it.  I hate that pageant makes me feel like a blimp when I know I'm not.  I hate that being in shape isn't good enough; I have to be tiny too.  I'm thinner now than I have been in a long time, and that's great because I'm doing it the right way.  I run for about 20 minutes a day and then lift light weights and do toning stuff...but again, it's not enough.  The swimsuits come in a small (a 2) or a medium (a 4).  I'm a 6...so you see the problem?

How do I get someone to grow up?  To realize that they're an adult?  To figure out that their parents should have no bearing on what we do?  To realize that loving me and being committed to me are two different things? 

Or, on the other hand...

How do I stop loving him?  How do I walk away from the man I know with absolute certainty that God gave me?  How do I change my life back to what it was before I met him? 

I've never had my heart broken like this...and then healed.  I've never had it happen so many times.  I've never been this real, this open, this vulnerable before.  I can't even start to pull back from the "us" that he and I are.  I can't slow it down, I can't change it, and I sure as hell can't stop it. 

I hate.......

I love.........

It's going to come down to his father or me. 

And I don't know if I'll win.  But I do know that if I don't, I'm not going to still be there when he wants.  Nope.
It's not fair to me, and I've told him that since day 1.  It's not fair/right for me to be just the girl he lives with.  I do his laundry, clean, cook, everything.  2 years from now, without a ring, he'll be taking advantage, and I'm NEVER doing that again.

Problem is...I love him.