| - miss you most at christmas time is it possible to miss someone that you've never met before? always at this time of year i get lonely and nostalgic for feelings that i've never experienced before. i find that the above christmas carol really helps to capture the depth of what i'm feeling tonight.
so i just recently got dumped. it really isn't as big a deal as you may think. we were going out for about two months with a two week "break" in the middle. but yeah. long story short... he was a closet case that got found out... and when that happened i was shown the door. really... this is the story of my life. for some reason i always end up with closet cases who can't let anyone know about me or openly gay guys that like to keep me "low profile". why that is i really don't know. i guess that's just a pattern that i'm going to have to break.
truth is. i'm not really as disappointed by the breakup as i thought i would be. granted i was mad and upset for maybe about an hour. but as soon as that hour passed everything was ok with the world. even though the relationship only lasted two months at the most... i really felt that i learned something. i dunno. i really feel as if i'm ready to have a relationship. like a REAL one. so far my track record has run a 4-4-2 month pattern. but each relationship has always been one of caution. when i was in them i always felt a little nauseous at the thought of commitment. i don't know what's changed. i guess i just feel that i've run around long enough. i've done the single thing and it was really fun. but now... i'm ready to try to find someone special. it doesn't have to last until forever... but i want to know what its like to give my heart to someone.
i really think that the holidays bring these kinds of feelings. i guess christmas is totally the time when you spend it with the people that you love. i love my family and i love my friends. but wouldn't it be nice to have that special someone to cuddle with by the fireplace... to exchange gifts with. to love someone in THAT way. my sister now has a boyfriend... and he's been over a lot these past couple days and i think that its really cute. i wish i had a boy that could take home to the family... especially now that the family is so accepting about me being gay. i would love to have a boy that i could show off to my friends and bring out. i would love to have someone pick me up from the airport when i come back from a trip. i would love to have someone to shower with gifts on christmas eve. most importantly i want this person that i love to be special. not just another random... but someone that i can connect with and be myself with. i guess what i'm saying is that while being independent vince is a good thing and has been a great experience these past couple of years. i'm ready for someone to be a witness to my life. i'm ready for someone to BE with ME.
of course it can't just be anyone. i've learned a thing or two from my past relationships and i've decided that i can't just settle for anyone. i hate to admit it but it is true. all my relationships have pretty much been me settling for something less than what i deserved. i deserve to be showed off. i deserve to be able to be me. i deserve to meet someone's friends. i don't deserve to be hidden as someone's dirty little secret. i deserve so much better than that and i can no longer accept guys that don't recognize that. i've worked hard to be proud of who and what i am and no man should be allowed to compromise that. i promise myself that the next year i will be true to myself. i will not date guys who cannot accept me for who or what i am. i want someone to be proud of me... and not threatened or embarrassed by me. this is my first resolution for the new year...
in the meantime i'll just have to sit here and listen and hope that i'll be able to find someone to love... who will also love me for ME... and not want me to compromise anything... i'm not in the mood for games anymore... i don't want to be wasting my time with that shit. i really feel like i'm ready for something real now... i know that i've said it before... but this time its totally legit. something's different this time. i guess maybe i'm in a different place now... my parents and family all know now... and i don't have to keep things secret from them... they want to know if i'm seeing anyone... and it just seems that having a REAL serious relationship is actually an option now... oh well... until then...
"i miss you most at christmas time and i can't get you... get you off my mind... every other season comes along and i'm alright... but then i miss you most at christmas time."
merry christmas everybody. and i love you all very much. | 
