| I have had a lot of time to think over the past few weeks, to organize my thoughts, revise and look at them from different angles. I thought I was going to come home today and write a huge long post explaining how I look at the world. Tell every one my views on what’s wrong with it and what needs to change. I thought I was going to go on about my heart, and how it feels so numb all the time, and when ever I’m experiencing any kind of emotion it seems so empty, not full and vibrant like my emotions used to be. I saw my self telling people with such passion how my brain works and how its taken me 19 years to figure out why I think this way. But I’m not…. I’m not going to go on about any of this to you, so you can think u know me and can see into my deepest darkest corners. Im going to leave it up to me to find true friendship in my self and my lord. Nothing else is eternal. Things fall apart, people you believed you would always know and always be able to talk to like a close, life… what ever you call it you thought they were. We all grow in different directions like a wild tree, and no one is brave enough to prune and cut themselves. so thus it will continue to work this way. I love my life, I love the people I have met, the places I have gone, and the times I have shared. I do not regret the words I have said, or the tears I have shed, I would never take back the parts of my heart I have given to people, far to freely some times, and refused to take back. I love it all, in a bitter sweet way. I will take my pain in a joyful manner, and I will publish my happiness on MySpace, Hoping that some one will look at it in jealousy wishing they had what I have. I’m growing up, and I’m shaping into something I never thought I would be. A man that would do anything to feel passion, lust, love, anger, hope, and joy. God is my only hope for true fulfillment.
I’m sorry if I have ever hurt you. And I’m sorry if I have run away and don’t talk to you anymore, I know I have done this to a lot of people over the years, but its not that I hate you, or that I don’t want to talk to you. Its that I cant… it either hurts to much, or I hate my self for what happened and I don’t want to face it in your eyes….
Wave at me when you see me, I might not wave back, I might not even acknowledge that your there, but I promise a smile will be in my heart, and a prayer in my soul. |
