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Monday, August 11, 2008

  • Allow me to make one thing clear. Stepping toward him was not stepping away from God. Being with him was not actively pulling me away from God. He and God are not at odds.

    However, stepping away from him was how God called me to come closer.



    This is not a situation where, faced with complete indecision, I should just pick a direction and go. That's the worst thing I could do right now. But this waiting is nearly killing me.

    What do you do when your pleas are answered with silence?

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

  • Yesterday I had dinner with my grandparents again. Grandmom has bursitis in her right shoulder, and it's so painful for her that you can't even touch it without causing her to wince. But that woman has an attitude of peace if I ever saw one. You wouldn't know she was hurting unless she told you, and she never, ever complains. However, this is both a gift and a curse. We didn't even know she was in pain until a week after it started. Then it was another week before she went to the doctor. Her reasoning, for this and many other things, was that she didn't want to "put anybody out." This goes for a doctor visit, borrowing a wheelchair from the main community building, having someone bring meals to their apartment, you name it. Things they are ALREADY PAYING FOR. My parents keep telling her over and over, "Mom, you can't do these things by yourself anymore. You need help!" We love her to death, but her way of thinking is likely never going to change.

    After dinner, we walked them back to the cottage as usual. My mom is in charge of their finances, so she makes sure to go over the bills whenever she's there. We were sitting on the couch, her flipping through envelopes, my dad on the couch across from her, me just glancing over the covers of magazines sitting on the coffee table. And suddenly my grandfather perked up from his hunched-over position in his chair, looked right at me and said,

    "How's our Darbie Lee doing?"

    He called me by name.

    I think I smiled and said, "Doing well," but my mind was reeling. I had to turn away so the tears in my eyes wouldn't be seen. He remembered my name. Just for that one moment, he remembered. That was all I wanted.

    Lately God has been silent in response to my pleas about my own future. But last night He gave me a gift.



    I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.

    I believe in love, even when feeling it not.

    I believe in God, even when God is silent.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

  • Dear God,

    My Father, who art in heaven. I'm still feeling so lost. Usually when you're at work, I can feel your prompting to move in a certain direction. But this time I can't feel anything. Not even a nudge. Emotionally, I'm dead in the water. It's like my arms and legs are paralyzed, all I've got is a life jacket holding me up, and there isn't even the slightest current or breeze. Just waiting.

    Hallowed be thy name. Is that what you want me to get out of this? Waiting on the Lord? Maybe that's part of my problem - always wanting to figure out what I'm supposed to learn. Because the quicker I figure it out, the quicker I can consciously make steps to fix it and the quicker it'll be over. Ridiculous, of course.

    I want to be held. I want to be undeniably in love. I want to be married, to have a husband and to be a wife. I want the little things to be the highlights of my day. I want to work eight hours sitting in front of a computer, then come home and complain over dinner about all the people who don't know what they're talking about. I want late nights together, cuddled up watching some awful sci-fi movie. I want to have a joint savings account. I want to wonder how we'll ever have enough to put the kids through college. I want all of my flaws and quirks and kinks [and there are plenty] to be overlooked if necessary, and lovingly accepted otherwise. I want to be happy.

    I want. I want. I want.

    And ultimately, none of it matters. I know it's all about what you want. But I want you to want the things for me that I want. Maybe that's what I need to get straightened out. There I go again, trying to pin it down.

    Thy kingdom come. Your kingdom is wherever you have the authority. Be king over me.

    Thy will be done. Your plans are infinitely higher than mine.

    On earth as it is in heaven. Guide my tiny life here, so I can be who you want me to be.

    Give us this day our daily bread. If you want me to float motionless, let it be enough for me to know that you're there with me. Be still and know I am God.

    Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. Lead us not into temptation. Help me remember that no temptation is more than what I can bear. Help me remember that in your eyes, my sins are no longer attached to me.

    Deliver us from evil. Help me shake off those discouraging thoughts that try to draw me away from you.

    For thine is the kingdom. I am all yours, God.

    And the power. There is nothing you can't handle.

    And the glory. It's not about me.

    Forever.



    Love,
    Your Daughter.

    Amen.

Friday, July 25, 2008

  • My grandfather continues to deteriorate. His body is weak, his eyes dull, his mind fading. "Oh look, our dear one has come to visit." I know he can't remember my name. He asks a question, and we answer it. Thirty seconds later, he asks again. There is no more conversing with him; he is reduced to parroting what we say.
    "Grandad, we're going to dinner now."
    "We're going to dinner."
    Last week, he was using a cane. This week, he's using a walker. Grandmom had to borrow a wheelchair for him a few days ago.

    I sat at the table in the community dining room, helping him order his meal. The next table over, there were couples energetically conversing and laughing. I remembered when he was like that. He asked about something we had just explained. My grandmother patted his hand and repeated it, then looked at me with tears in her eyes. I've lost count of how many times she's looked at me like that.

    On the drive home, my dad wondered aloud why. Why does this happen? Why is God letting this continue? Why can't He just take him home?

    I've been waiting for him to get better. I keep thinking that one of these days, I'll walk into their living room and he'll stand up to give me a hug. He'll remember my name and what I've been doing to keep busy. Grandmom will hold his hand and smile. I wish it would happen, but I know that it won't.

    Now I'm asking too.
  • Evidence of Things Unseen

    Ecuador is beautiful. Ambato is a city about two hours south of Quito, with an elevation of about 9,000 feet. There are several active volcanoes nestled within the mountain ranges in the surrounding areas. Everything is green.

    But it was all about the people. The thousand people who now have a hope and a future because of what they learned. One thousand. In the weeks and months to come, that number will continue to grow. Susana will use the EvangeCube I gave her to share the gospel with her neighbors. Carolina will have the courage to talk about God with her friends. Knowing that the work will continue even though we're gone is one of the best feelings.

    I got to watch a friend start out on this trip scared, unsure, and feeling inadequate. He was still trying to sort out his beliefs himself. At the end of the week, he was brought to tears by what he'd seen God do in his life and the lives of those he spoke to. His transformation was truly one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. To watch the hand of God sculpt someone right in front of your eyes...

    My communication with my Father was stronger that week than it's been in a long time. And he knows I needed it, badly. There were some things he had been trying to tell me, but I hadn't wanted to hear them.

    To be humanly honest, I felt like Abraham. "Here, take this thing that you've spent so long waiting for. Sacrifice it to me." I'm still waiting for the ram in the bushes. I don't know if it will come.

ael_ecurai

  • Visit ael_ecurai's Xanga Site
    • Name: Darbie
    • Country: United States
    • State: Pennsylvania
    • Birthday: 10/31/1985
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 9/5/2003

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  • Hope is the thing with feathers * That perches in the soul, * And sings the tune without the words, * And never stops at all.

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