|
afoolsfool
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Aaron
Country: United States
State: Washington
Metro: Spokane
Expertise: Photoshop, Illustrator, Word, Pencil, Computer Construction/Modding, Digital Catalogue, Writing.
Occupation: Writer . Videographer . Modder
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
2/5/2004
|
|
| Idealism from HopelessnessSelf-examination is a peculiar pastime, dangerously close to narcissism. The former can be useful, sure, but the ugliness of the latter oft supersedes that. Despite such dangers, I spend a good deal of my time thinking about why I do things the way I do them. Which is to say, thinking about what wrongful motivation must have been at the root of my good actions and lamenting the pathetic realities of my bad actions. Before anyone questions such a dismal outlook, mind it is not meant to be dismal for the sake of being dismal, only in recognition of the fact that there is no one who is righteous, no, not even one. Our hearts are wicked and deceitful above all things. I would venture anyone who thinks their good actions sprang from anything but wrongful motivations is actively engaged in self-deception. This is not enormously different from self-examination, but it is different nonetheless. Trapped within our humanity, we must aggregate these realities into... well, we. Or us. Or ourselves. Now I am just being obtuse.
Anyway, I am an idealist. I think of the world in idealistic terms. Whether it be the ways which the ideal has been failed by my fellow man or the ways I must always attain toward it regardless of the loss incurred. Idealism is often associated with self-sacrifice, grit, determination and courage. It is also associated with confusion, delusion and stupidity. I am an idealist regardless, but I have noted of late the source does not flow from some buried nobility inherent to my nature. The source of my reckless adhesion to such an un-pragmatic trait is simply hopelessness. I discovered that I have never expected to achieve anything or to succeed in any form. In fact, I actively expect to fail, be disappointed and lose. Based on this, I realize being an idealist is possibly the easiest response. Why not hold to the purest and noblest thoughts available? Everything is going to fail regardless of what goal is elevated. It just seems more potent to fail in large gaps than short of compromised expectations.
So what's the point of admitting such things now? Well, frankly, my wife has prevailed upon me to begin opening my eyes in recognition of the possibility of some hope existing in our life. I suppose the admission is a revelation of concern. Where will my idealism stand if hope begins to replace the absolute backdrop of despair I have been accustomed to?
| | |
| As long as I am at it...If I were to have the monees, my game list would look a lot like this:
Guitar Hero: Aerosmith
Guitar Hero: World Tour [contingent on having a Wii]
World Of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King
Starcraft 2
Diablo III
It's been a really long time since I was this excited about new game releases. The last game I bought was Burning Crusade, which has been awesome. Anyway... back to writing for me.
| | |
| GH:WTSo everyone has heard about Guitar Hero: World Tour right?
Because if you haven't, go to this website: IGN Preview of GH:WT
Then read all about it and you will know that you need to have this game.
So... I don't know how, but I need to get a Wii so that Esther and I can pick up this game when it drops.
| | |
| You're cut offSo I made a huge mistake on Friday. I was working on the second half of the tenth chapter and I only knew where I wanted to end up with it, I didn't really know how I was going to get there. But I was plugging away and I was feeling really good about how the progression was turning out. Then... bad things.
I write off of my thumbdrive, which is not going to change. Currently I am writing on my main computer, which has some definite issues. Basically, there is this one issue where plugging in my Zen causes all of my other USB devices to disconnect. It's annoying. Well, I was writing away and listening to music when my Zen ran out of batteries. Mostly I love the device, but the one major problem with it is that there is no way to charge it unless you plug it into a computer which has the Zen software installed. There is a power adapter you can purchase, but I haven't the money for things like that. Anyway, not really thinking, I plugged the Zen into my computer to recharge it and my USB drive disconnected. I hadn't saved since I started.
So I lost everything, which was frustrating. I spent the rest of the day trying to reconstruct what I had written before. I remembered little bits and pieces - some things I had said, but it's really hard to reconnect all of those thoughts. That kind of writing is the most frustrating for me, trying to recreate what you already did once. I banged my head against the wall for a couple hours and got pretty far, but I wasn't able to make it as far in as I had gotten before, and I definitely didn't have enough in me to finish the chapter up. The whole thing kinda sucked the muse out of me for the day.
I had hoped to finish the chapter up on Saturday, but laziness won my heart over instead and it still lies fallow. As I sit here writing this now, I have realized I never posted what I wrote on Friday, so I am going to do that. Sadly, Chapter 10 is going to see a third part and none of it is all that well written in my opinion.
Why the long explanation? Because I am not going to be posting my writing any longer. I feel increasingly uncomfortable about the weblog model for sharing my work - especially as a relatively unknown author. I will continue updating the site with word counts for the day, but the actual content will remain reserved until the book is finished. This is not to say that I am dissatisfied with the Functioning Chumesa concept, because I am not in any way. I just feel it will be better served when I am better known. It shall lie dormant until that time. I have enjoyed what little feedback I have received to date, though I would like to share a little disappointment that I did not hear more from more of you.
I need the feedback more than you know. I hope the rest of the chapter doesn't disappoint too terribly and if you want to keep following along, I am willing to consider an e-mail setup to keep you updated.
| | |
| I suppose I could write some dreary post about how depressing everything is, but honestly everyone else seems to have that covered. Being enthusiastic is contrary to my nature, though, so I try to just keep my posts factual, if not cheerful and avoid the trypics of depression. Yeah, I just combined "tropics" and "typical" into a new word. No, it wasn't particularly clever, nor did it work very well.
I haven't been accomplishing much with writing lately and it's starting to show in a really bad way. So, if you want to spend some facetime with the Almighty on my behalf, I wouldn't object. Hopefully another chapter will get popped out soon, followed by many more. Just because I didn't make my end-of-April deadline doesn't mean I can't get it done soon.
More, oh so much more going on, but I am also tired of my 5-page posts. They don't even fit on my screen.
| | |
|
