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| I have never been so happy with someone in my life before as I am right now. There is a sense of certainty that I have fallen into. Okay, so maybe it honestly scares me. Still, I have completely let go and allowed my scared self to find comfort in trust, honesty, and willingness to give... everything. Time may not justify my feelings entirely, but I'm not trying to justify anything. There is simply a beautiful stability inside my heart that makes life that much more worth living. I feel a sense of excitement in the idea that I have complete power to mold and create a life that is what I ultimately want. I don't have to follow undesirable patterns that I've watched most of my family fall into. I can be a sober, respectable, happy person building a life beside someone who shares similar views, morals, and goals. How amazing the possibilities are. It's not that I'm preoccupied with the future; I'm just slightly consumed with the joys of love that have so deeply impacted my hopes, dreams, and realistic thinking.
Maybe I'm just young and crazy. Or maybe I'm heading in the right direction, with the right person, on the verge of something worth working for, sacrificing for, and committing all of myself to. Whoa, right? Slow down. But it's not just wishful thinking, I swear. Don't worry, I'm not stuck in the clouds. I'm going to school, working toward a career I've dreamed of having my entire life. I'm trying to stay physically and mentally healthy. And I promise I am still standing on solid ground. But I'm growing up. And so much of who I'm becoming yearns to share itself with you. Scared yet? When I go back and read this, I'll probably scare myself a little, actually. But here I am, writing all this in my Philosophical Thinking class contemplating the rest of my life. Wanting to die happy without crippling regret. As of now, I have little regret.
So, I guess this is where it truly begins. I have a good support system from my family and a close group of friends that genuinely care about me. And I have someone to (UH OH!) possibly share my life with. Believe me, I'm not blind, dumb, or losing my grasp on reality. But I am nearing a point in my life where it is truly feeling like MY life. This is the beginning of my true independence and the shedding of what I've grown accustomed to. I'm scared. Terrified sometimes, even. But I'm ready for it, and the realization that I don't have to do all this alone qwells my fears a bit. Who knows where all this all-over-the-place thinking came from. But, man, I just love the feeling of wanting to want to live life to the fullest. Because I know I have so much to live for.
Love, love, love.
- Olivia | | |
| We are young.
Heartache to heartache we stand. 
Fear in the distance that leaves so much room for heart break. But with honesty and communication, I am hopeful. I am learning to love in a way I never thought I could. I am learning to love myself. And I am learning that good things can happen even if you feel like your dreams are falling apart right in front of you. There are people around me who have been there through the good days and the ones where I am completely losing it. I am on this journey to find my independence and place in the world. But I am not alone. However, I will no longer open myself up to people who don't see the passion in my aspirations and future goals. I have no room in my heart to let pain slither in and hurt me time and time again. My dreams are not silly, and I believe in myself. I see a future full of love, accomplishment, and some struggle. Who knows who will still be by my side. I don't have it all planned out. But I know every decision I make from here on out will help shape my future. Days are often more difficult than I'd like them to be, but I know I can do this. We can do this. - Olivia | | |
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April showers bring May flowers... right?
I'm back on meds and working to get better. A lot is going on.
My mom is struggling, and it's affecting my entire family.
I hope and pray for things to get easier.
I know all these trials will make me a stronger person.
I appreciate the good days more than anything.
- Olivia | | |
| Dear Life,
No, I am not okay. And yes, this is too hard. Everything is such a fight with you, and you hardly ever let up. When you do, it is only a tease, and you come back to hurt me again. I am drowning in all the hardships and challenges you continuously throw at me. I am sorry if it sounds like I am complaining and whining, but you are weakening me beyond belief. If you are trying to wear me thin until I lose all hope, you are on your way to doing so. Every day, I sort through all the bad to find a little bit of good to keep me going. And guess what? I find it. I cannot believe how hard you work to hide it from me, though. All I ever do anymore is find reasons to appreciate you and all the wonderful years I have left with you. I want to open my eyes in the morning and feel thankful for another chance to fulfill my dreams, help people, and give and receive love. You are making that increasingly difficult, especially as of late. Everywhere I turn, I feel panicked, trapped, and afraid. My insides shake. Why do you make me feel so sad? I look in the mirror and struggle to find life in my own eyes. Please, you have to know I am trying and getting help for myself. If you would just give me some time. I know I will get better, and we can work together. I love you. I am not ready to give up. Just... be patient and gentle with me. I can only do this for so long. I can only take so much.
"There's too much beauty to quit."
- Olivia | | |
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So, I'm pretty sure I haven't posted in forever.
Life has been... interesting?
The not-so-good stuff:
- every day my skin makes me want to die
- need more money for college/talk to dad
- calculus makes my head explode
- so done with this cold weather
The good stuff:
+ got accepted to DeSales Universtiy
+ got a little bit of scholarship money
+ saw freakin' Jack's Mannequin
+ falling hard for some silly boy
- Olivia | | |
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