|
| Summer's EndI realized that I haven't blogged in quite a while... and that my "vacation" is over.
I'm going back to work tomorrow and I must say, I'm more than all for it as I have had it with sitting on my lazy ass all day at home. Last July, I was practically begging to be let off. Examinations were round the corner and to cut the long story short, I needed time to just unwind - take it all in.
At the end of it all, I find myself flabbergasted at just how much AIR I actually got to take in. There were days when I spent more than three-fourths of the day on my bed. I had so much R&R that some of my muscles might have atrophied in the process. I didn't really accomplish anything during this time. Everything was routine and laid back. Even the exams came and were concluded with not so much as a pinch. Creativity has withdrawn from me and I haven't written a single inspired thought...
Which is why, it is with great pleasure that I cast all my regrets and my wasted hours to the past.
Anyways, now that I have sufficiently wasted your time and that you have all been updated with most of what has happened in the last couple of months (and I do mean that), I shall conclude my brief epitaph to the regrets, the long wasted hours, to unlearned lessons, parties I never went to, to acquaintances I never got to meet and to the great moments that never came to pass... this is my summer's end...
Til later!
| | |
| The Inconvenient TruthToday, I was busily searching for a shirt to wear to work. Thing is, I have tons of shirts that I could wear. But I was looking for something specific. A Christian-message-free shirt. You might ask why... I'd tell you that I didn't want to offend anybody with my faith. The question is, was I really doing this for the sake of other people or was I doing this to protect myself.
Last night, a feature on the evening news struck a chord in me. 838 complaints were made yesterday to Hong Kong's Television and Entertainment Licensing authority calling for the reclassification of the Bible as "indecent" material and unsuitable for young eyes. They were taking their cue from the sayings of one anonymous website, truthbible.net, which noted that the Bible could make one tremble because of its sexual and violent content which includes rape and incest.
You'd think that being raised as a Christian all my life and professing to love Jesus would mean that I would feel outraged by such a notion. However, it was not anger that I felt rather fear and dread. Fear that I would have to stand up to questions regarding my beliefs and sentiments towards the Bible - the so called "Word of God"...
To be truthful, I understand why people would see the Bible was "indecent"... if they think that the incest is bad, what about the killing? the bashing of babies on rocks?! Its nothing short of controversial... The Truth, as it turns out, is uncomfortable... dare I say, inconvenient for me to accept.
When I shared my beliefs to my father, he was flabbergasted and unbelieving that I would just 'accept' these attacks towards the Bible. True, this isn't the first time that the Bible has been tried and tested, persecuted even... it is provocative and offensive - nothing short... But, as a Christian, was it truly my place to be unaffected? His repeated prodding ran deeper than asking what I really thought. He wanted to know if I was going to do something about it.
If I had just gone with what I originally planned, I would've just brushed the 'offence' aside. I'd rather step out from the podium. I wouldn't desire to answer to the world's unwavering questions. Especially when the answer itself was nothing short of incriminating... To try and answer... to utter ONE word in defence would only be another nail to my coffin... This is a debate that we've been set up to lose... Jesus had said it so well,
If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me... For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of God be ashamed, when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.
To believe in His truth... to live as He lived... according to His words... we would have to condemn ourselves to death... confess to our own death sentence. That is the price of The INCONVENIENT Truth... Forget about global warming... Christians, here is a truth that we need to face... This is a truth that we will have to lay our lives to believe in... Who knows, this might be the beginning of things that will lead to the last and ultimate persecution fo the Christian faith... But the questions remains unanswered...
So here, I give my answer... more for myself... than for everyone else here...
This is my Bible. I am what it says I am... I have, what it says I have... I can do, what it says I can do. This is the Word of God and on it I place my life, my hope, my joy... my trust...
If this is it brothers and sisters... then let it be so... its time... we've waited for too long... hidden too long... stayed silent for too long... it can no longer be helped... can no longer be denied...
Even if it makes no difference... it is our right... it is our place... to stand with Christ...
| | |
| And for the second time in my life, I broke
up with someone even before we had a real relationship.
Its kinda sad. I feel kinda stupid. Its
altogether logical and crazy at the same time. When did I allow myself to
become the chump? When did I accept second place? When did I become the
mistress?
I can say that I didn know. I been
told a long time ago. But I was and have always been quite stubborn in my ways.
I was pining away for him. Put everything away in hope that one day he would see
me as more. That one day he would ature?and leave her?Here I was, waiting
atiently? thinking that it was what ove?would do. I would allow him his
freedom but in the end, he would choose me?
So I paraded myself around him?Hoping that
he would see me and what I had to offer him?But, didn I realize that if he
was so willing to play with what I so willingly wanted to give him, that he
wouldn really be one to care for me at all?
Somewhere, I traded the romance I had always dreamed of, for a
torrid affair.
I led back to the mistakes of a good
friend of mine and her painful admission, ?span style="font-weight: bold;">mas mahal ang kabit.?At the time, I
thought she was delusional?Years later, I find myself making the same
admission, albeit ?quietly?But didn she realize that if the guy really
loved her that he wouldn rest until they could be together? Isn that what true passion is about?
Boaz not resting until he had his Ruth?
leaving Ruth with no doubts as to what he wanted to give her?not just a night?
not just a fortnight?he wanted to give her what she deserved?he acknowledged
her worth?and he was willing to pay the price?
I feel like I threw my pearls to the swine?
Gave my heart to this guy who didn even really know what I was giving him. But truth be told, he wasn't the only one that was playing. I was too.
We were pretending?pretending to take care
of each other?But we were just being selfish, we wanted the feeling but not
the commitment. So we never talked about it. Everything we ere? everything
we ad?was unsaid?it didn bind us?It never was tangible. I'm not even sure if he was aware of it. coz I wasn't. Its funny that I would re-realize what I truly desired when you see the real thing. For years, I've comforted myself with the fact that my so-called friends didn't have anything that I truly desired. Even with their boyfriends and girlfriends, countless suitors and flings, it never had any appeal for me... That was, until I went to my bestfriend's wedding...
They were dancing and during that time, I saw something really beautiful. Something that I could hardly bring myself to look at. So I looked away. I felt dirty. Like I wasn't supposed to be in this beautiful celebration of love. Why? Because I wasn't in a "relationship" that was out in the open or legitimate... I suddenly realized with painful intensity that I wanted to have what I saw in my best friend and
her husbandomething real
and undeniable?nbsp;
Once, I asked myself whether he was the
one?I mean, I had often fantasized of being his. But the more I thought about it, the
more I realized that it would never be more than a fantasy because he just isn't who I have in my heart. True, I had wanted to mould him to become that, even prayed
for him change so that we could finally be together?but who was I to decide
that? I was being selfish. In the end, who brings people together in the sanctity of marriage, is it not God?
Realizations strikes to the bone -- I tried to take what wasn mine to take?All those time that other guys ot me wrong? they really didn't. It doesn't take a genius to lead people on, I've been doing it half-unknowingly for years... I allow myself to be involved, promising intimacy but never committment. In much the same way, he
didn misunderstand what I was offering?I just didn understand what I had
allowed myself to expose?He just took what he could get.
So yeah. Maybe I the dumbass in this
story. But even if I not sure if I can, I want to stop this before it destroys us both.
Even if this elationship?technically, never existed, I don want it
anymore. All that it gave me, is a reason to look down at myself and an excuse
to settle for something less. People say that human desires lead us to sin. I'm not sure about that anymore. I believe that if we were to truly delve into the recesses of our innermost desires, we would be led to the things that only God can offer us. Peace, hope, Love... the genuine article - that's something that we can never find on this earth... in whoever...
So, here I am, In pursuit of something way beyond my grasp and I find myself stopping because I finally realized that this rat race was never going to get me what I truly desired. So, I withdraw. I surrender. Its over.
| | |
| Overflow.Have you ever felt like you stretched yourself out too thin?
Like you've taken in more than you should have?
Have you ever felt like you're fighting a battle you cannot win?
Like you've overestimated what you're capable of?
My weakness is the pride and dependency I have on what I am capable of.
Thing is, I'm capable of doing so many things - so very well. Often times, I fall into the trap of doing things just because I can and not necessarily because I want to.
My life is like a big to-do-list. And believe me, I have TONS of those - pasted on my walls, typed up in my computer, written on my little black notebooks and even in my wee phone... I rely on these to-do-lists to manage my hectic life, to balance schoolwork, ministry, work and other stuff I get myself into)... I rely on them to give me some semblance of order... as an assurance that at the end of the day, I CAN DO THIS.
Making these to-do-lists is part of my everyday routine. In essence, my life begins and ends with them. But sometimes, even when I've finished everything on the list, I have this intense feeling that I havent' done enough. That there are so many things that I can start doing now - things that will be on the to-do-list tomorrow. its an endless cycle...
But God says that he doesn't want us to live out of what we can do. He wants us to serve out of the overflow. He wants us to trust in him. To not worry about what we are able to give BECAUSE if He is our source then we can live off the overflow and not just the trickles...
But the thing is, so many of us are not living this way. No, we live in a drought where we SURVIVE and not THRIVE... Where we get by on what little we can get and not on the abundance that God has promised us.
That is why, we need to stop thinking in terms of what we are capable and start depending on God to enable us to do the things that HE has set out for us to do. We need to stop trying to do things because we think it is expected of us and start earnestly obeying what He commands us to do. We need to let go of our pride and acknowledge that on our own -- we will never be enough... and let God, the Source... fill us...
Are you serving others on an empty stomach?
Are you smiling with an empty heart?
Are you worshipping with no joy in your spirit?
Are you living the Christian life with no Christ in your life?
Let me tell you now, its not right.
| | |
| UncertaintyTrue, not many young people think about the future. Most people think that recklessness is a characteristic of the adolescent age and is often seen as the reason why they get so many things wrong...They push for what they want. regardless of the consequences. They are short-sighted. Seeking only for temporary relief and pleasure never thinking that the thing that they need cannot be found in one-offs and short-times... Also, I suspect its because there are so many things happening in the present that they've got no time to think about it.
When I was 13, I didn't know what I wanted to do or wanted to be. I had no idea what was in store for my life... and for the most part, I was waiting for life to begin... Now at 21, I'm back where I started...
Funny, there was a point somewhere in between when I was 13 and 21 that made me feel like I had a great idea of what I wanted for my life. But now, I've come 'full circle'... The future is obscure from my view and to tell you the truth, I'm filled with an unexplainable fear.
Highschool was a huge - BLAH - moment for me... and it ended with - WTF?! - in the end...
I endured it with the single thought that it wouldn't last forever. That the ridicule and the stigma of not being cool would just go away. I always felt like the people who laughed at my expense and taunted me for my nerdiness and lack of social life would one day get theirs when they see how successful i would become. I mean, success happens to people who work hard - RIGHT?
well, i've worked my ass off... and i'm stuck here... waiting for my life to either end or begin.
But, despite all the jaded emotions I get just thinking about what I'm gonna be doing to get to my so-called dream. I feel a sense of awe, because I know that even though I don't know what's going on, let alone understand why they are happening. I know God knows.
These years he has kept silent. And it would seem my silent pleas for help have been left unheard. But I know he hears... and he trusts me to trust in Him and His Word... So even in these uncertain times, I cling to what I know is true and will not change... The Bible says:
I will trust in the Lord, with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, In all my ways, I will acknowledge Him FIRST, and he will direct my feet where I must go...
The future. Is God's gift to man. Its a chance for us to show how much we trust Him. And if we do, we can be sure that the future that awaits us, whether it is good or bad, better or worse, prosperous or less than... It will be for His greater glory... and that would be greatest honour for any person.
Ironically, the future is the topic that I have for my table discussion tomorrow at four:14... so for all YOUS who have NOT decided to come yet... GET TO IT.
 | | |
|
