Name:Stefany Country:United States State:Ohio Metro:Toledo Gender:Female
Interests::+: MuSiC :+: who wouldnt die without it?! Gymnastics, Dancing, Driving, my pillow, handcuffs, comedy, horror, my celly phone, getting crazy with jaclyn, hanging with the guys/girls, taking weird pictures for danny Expertise:i LoSt My ExPeRtIsE....WhErE CoUlD He bE?
Occupation:Student Industry:Other
I never expected these kind of changes to occur after high school. I just graduated about a week ago, and I can't help but notice how much things have changed and how they will continue to change. Many of the people I used to hang out with have gone away for college or will go away. So far its been hard enough keeping in touch with those people, and I know that as the years go by it will continue to get harder. I realize that most of my friends will not be my friends forever. Its really hard for me to realize that we are all growing up. We are all changing and starting our own lives. I know that I will only remain close with certain people for a long time. It is true that I want to become independent myself and move out, but at the same time I feel like I'm leaving behind everything I ever knew. School has been my shelter since I can remember, and now I have the choice. I am going to be the reason that I accomplish anything for the rest of my life. I can't help feeling depressed about the situation. I know that I am capable of making my own decisions and surviving without my parents help, but its beyond leaving home and getting a job. I kind of feel like I'm leaving behind the life I've been leading for so long. I've always been pushing myself to grow up and get out of high school, but now all I do is look back instead of forward. I don't have regrets but sometimes I just think "what if?" I could have gone to UCLA, I had a scholarship and I know it would have been a great opportunity. At that time, all I lived for was mike. I knew that if I left him that it was all over, so I turned it down. We broke up and ever since I have wondered if I should have left. It happened for a reason and to be honest I don't think I could leave everyone else behind. But still, the thought still crosses my mind. On new years, I cried. Not because everyone had their bf/gf to makeout with at midnight, but because I knew that 2006 was over. I know the only reason I'm so attached to the year is because of mike. I find myself slowly starting to forget all the little things he used to do, the facial expressions, the weird accents, the songs he would make up, the things he would say when he was pissed, or the way it even felt to makeout with him. I didn't realize how much was packed into the relationship that I never payed any attention to until it was already over. I seem to have withdrawls from him. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him atleast once or twice. But some days it doesnt affect me, and other days I feel like I could break down. It hurts sometimes when he's around because I know things will never be the same again. Thats another "what if"..mike and I were pretty good friends before dating was even an option. I sometimes even think that maybe we would have been better off never dating. We will never be friends like we used to. A part of me hates him for everything he's done. If we would have never dated, we would be perfectly fine now. Then again, I would never take any of it back. Lately I havent been able to sit alone and think all my feelings out. Im always too busy to even do anything for myself. Im just scared because I saw how quickly my relationship with mike fell apart, and he was supposed to love me. I dont want that to ever happen between me and my friends. I dont want us to start our 'new lives' without each other. I understand that we all need to do things our own way, but I just hope that everything works together. Maybe I'm thinking too far into this but from everything I've experienced in the last year, I see how fast it is for everything to completely crash whether its friendships or relationships, I've seen it. I just don't want it to happen anymore.
For once in a great while I can say that my life feels like its actually going somewhere. Im not stuck in the same state of denile that I was for so long. So why is it that I feel like something is missing? Am I so used to being hurt that I am comforted by a guy treating me badly? I look back on the past almost everyday trying to figure out at which point I lost me. Those 6 months are behind me now but they still live on in my memory. Like a neverending slide show in my head, I have flashbacks back to the moments that meant the most. I left behind the love that I felt and the piece of me that I will never get back. It sometimes kills me to know that forever he will carry that piece of me. He doesn't cherish the part of me he took away, he drags it on like a chain which links me to all the other girls who never mattered. Lucky number 7 he always said. How many numbers are going to follow mine? At times I feel that I was naive to believe that I could make a difference. But I refuse to let myself feel regret. I cannot regret the past because I cannot see the future. The future I can never fortell until I get there. Like glue the horrible things you did are stuck in a memory but someday you'll start to fade. The person I once loved and the man you used to be is the only permanent memory I'll trap inside of me. I dont want to remember you as anything more than the one I used to adore. I'll end up better off I know and life goes on. I don't wanna have to see that look on your face again. Its written all over your forehead that you've changed. The person you've become is what killed me. I wont deny that I still care and I often wonder if you still think about me. I hope that all I've done for you is left you with great memories and no regrets. All I've ever wished for you was happiness. You shattered my heart when you went away, but I am picking up the pieces myself. I don't need you anymore to hold my hand and walk me through life. I'm getting by just fine without you and I'm happier this way. I'm a better person when I'm not with you and I'm reconnecting with myself. As much as I hate to admit it sometimes, your actions taught me a lot about who I am. You've helped shape my life in some way. To me, all you are is the summer of 2006. There will be no repetition and no going back.
So you’re the kind that deals with the games in the mind Well you confuse me in a way that I’ve never known
So won’t you break me shake me hate me take me over When the madness stops then you will be alone
You just keep me contemplating, that your soul is slowly fading
God, don't you know that I live with a ton of regret? 'Cause I used to move you in a way that you've never known But then I accused you in a way that you've never known But you've hurt me in a way that I've never known...
Sometimes I cant help but wonder what my life would be like if I hadnt done alot of things. Some of its good and some of its bad. I think about what friends i might have if I never left NDA. Then I sit and think that even though I hate my school, if I would of never switched to springfield, I would never know anyone..not even my best friend. Through her I have met so many other people, at shows, parties, her friends, my friends..The smallest change in your life can really completely change it. Without switching schools, who knows who I would of dated! Dan was a given, but john was Carlee's best friend. If I never met her I would of never met john. Then Nick, I met him at a show with Carlee. Without Carlee I would of never gone to that show. Then there's Mike..and I would of never met him if I wouldnt have met Carlee either. Because she was friends with Devon, and he brought Mike with him that night. Who knows, maybe throughout my lifetime I still would have met these people in some way or another. I guess people just dont see what their friends do for them and how much of an impact they make. To be honest, I didnt even realize it til I sat here and wrote all this stuff. I could go on and on about other friends but I'll just stop with Carlee, maybe tommorrow I'll write another one about someone else. lol
