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aidylicious
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Name: Ly-Ly
Gender: Female
Interests: music (both performing and listening), fashion design, literature, different cultures and languages, history, travel, art of all kinds, coffee
Expertise: dying my hair, sewing, taking long walks
Occupation: student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  candyMegami
Member Since:
4/19/2007
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| i can never get over how my self esteem goes from 10 to 0 and back to 10 again so quickly, then back to 0. i cannot decide whether i am a troll or not.
I know i go on and on about how much i'd like to die. Let me clarify: i love life. However, i feel so full of self hatred and anger. What i really want is peace. If i was at peace, I would not be wanting anything else. The other night i got a fortune cookie with a fortune that read: "all of your current hopes and dreams will be fulfilled". this made me laugh. What are my current dreams? and wishes? well, to find a place in the world. to be a musician. to be happy with a boy who i love and who loves me. to be beautiful, inside and out. If i had all of this? seems like too much to expect life to be so happy. If i could just be at peace, i wouldnt need all of this.
Like Kurt Cobain, i really just want to rest. you may not understand me, and i dont exacltly undertstand him: he had money, fame, talent, good looks...but you don't know how much people can suffer unless you live their life as they do.
Yet i refuse to take the easy way out. i'll claw my way through whatever life throws at me. it wont matter in the end, we are all reduced to dust and then that's when the true self truly begins life. That thought comforts me, but it doesnt make me any more happy to be alive still. Why do i like nighttime? because it seems like the absence of the curse, if you know what i mean.
haha. i say i refuse to take the easy way. you don't know how hard that is, or do you? when every day i want so much to die.
and i really dont wanna be this way, i hope it will pass. i hate how fake i am. i hate how ugly i am. i hate how stupid i am, how self centered. i hate how i destroy myself with so many ways but then i console myself with thinking that I am ok, maybe for 5 minutes of the day i console myself with thinking the truth : that there are people who like me, who look up to me. then i remember that i am nothing, and if they knew that they'd all run away and i wouldnt blame them.
seriously.
i need to get over this shit.
please
i pray to God over and over and over and ovver but there is no one who answers
i wanna escape to my dreams: i lucid dreamt last night.
first time ever really.
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| deleted because i feel silly for whining so much.
thanks to jeremy i feel better, someone needs to tell me when im overreacting and be harsh with me (sometimes haha) so i realize im being a bit of a whiny brat. still, i was in a lot of pain, it's getting better now. oh yea, need to go take my med. haha this little post reminded me :) | | |
| in five minutes.five minutes before i run off to work, and ill probably be late. However, it IS a sunday morning so im expecting that traffic will be kinder than usual.
I am realy tired right now. Last night i hung out with my friends Chris Daniel Drew Anthony and a guy i just met--Alfredo. oh yea, and Ryan. we hung out at Drew's place, which is parent free for two weeks. Its so funny that i always end up chillling with so many guys. I have two or three theories on Why That Is. It's because guys tend to be insomniacs whose parents dont care if they're out at all hours of the night, which is the only time im able to hang out (i have a hectic work and school schedule if you didnt know). Also, I grew up around lots of boys and their brand of dumb is a lot easier for me to swallow than girl dumb. I cant stand the gossipy catty drama of female friendships. In addition i hate malls and shopping for clothes at malls. I am slowly growing more ability in the realm of female relationships. It's about time, after workking around almost all women for the last two years !! nevertheless, i have much more close guy friends than female friends.
and my five minutes is up! time to drive to wrk
i dont think im going to survive the day.... | | |
| How i spend my days while Alive?Today. since i never update this thing, i thought i should.
Ill start at the ending, which is now, which is really the present. the current. What's happenig? im over at my friend Drew's house with my friends/neighbors Pandda and Anthony. in Class i learned that apparently the blue m&ms act as aphrodisiacs. Drew's parents are out of town and they left behind bags and BAGS of blue m&ms. So, we separated out a whole goblet full of the blue lovlies and gave them to Anthony to chug. I have pictures i may put up here next. According to him, there was no effect. He seems pretty normal. After this Drew chugged a goblet of red m&ms and i "daintily" took a shot of the greens. We all started to feel pretty odd. I still do. I mean,....i toook the green m&ms. Any coincidence? I feel like im high right now. Perhaps it's my lack of sleep or some sort of psychological connection in my mind between the color green and....the herb....? Im not sure. perhaps it was just the massive amount of chocolate i took into my body in a short period of time.
we just watched this video on youtube called "faces of meth". Ive seen these videos before. And I dont think ill be trying meth anytime soon. But what is truly disturbing is that there are countless kids on drugs that contain trace amounts of methamphetamines. I havent done any research into this (yet) but i think it's ridiculous. My friends who have grown up on prescription medicine are now the most sickly, hypochondriac, psychologically unstable people. In addition, they are so accustomed to being on meds that they arent able to understand that people CAN function without some kind of medication. After doing a lot of research im pretty certain that I have psychological disorders. But ive never had the "luxury" of being able to be diagnosed by a doctor. These disorders have caused a lot of pain. But they are something which ive been able to overcome. Not only that, i am glad that i never had a chance to be put on meds as a child. I think that creative people often suffer from mental disorders. I'd rather suffer through some of the depression and insanity. Now (currently) i am a happy and very stable person. But it was, as a famous philosopher once said, all of the times of unhappiness and difficulty that truly shaped who I am. Happy times are all well and good. But pain ...well what doesnt kill you makes you stronger eh?
ok, back to today. I went on a venture to find the art museum. I failed. It's ok, ive already seen the current exhibit. Yet i wouldve liked some more inspiration. Im working on a pretty adventurous painting right now. I hope i finish it. seems like when i actually get to paint something that is going well, i get cold feet and feel afraid to finish it in case i mess it up D:
at one point i was driving down the wrong side of the road! in downtown! I MUST learn to understand the idea of the one way street. If onnly those signs were more prominent.
Earlier today i researched stromatolites. They boggle the mind. tiny little cyanobacteria...i wont go into it now...
This morning i withdrew a very large sum of money from my bank account. It's more than most of you probably get in a paycheck. And right now it's in my purse. I feel leary carrying around so many benjamins! Ive never had so much money on me at once. It's a good thing i dont look like id be carrying a lot of wealth in my little cheapy asian bag with all the trinkets hanging off of it.
i went to the Teahouse today and there was an adorable girl there with bright pink hair. She noticed my shirt which advertised Jrock Revolution and asked me howit was...turns out she's a huge jrock fan! i had a very nice little conversation with her (she's really into hide) and said goodbye. While walking out to the car, i suddenly remembered talking with a girl for about an hour while waiting in line for 12012 last October. This girl also had pink hair and looked just likeher...
Of course she would not recognize me, i had short blue hair and was very androgynous then. Nevertheless, it was nice to see her again so unchanged. I remember giving her my fries...yea just little details. But ive built a lot of friendships simply by just seeing the same people over and over again. For example, my friend Katharine. I kept seeing her at shows. Finaly i said: "you know what, since we keep running into each other, how about we become friends?" and that was it. I have never hung out with her outside of conventions or concerts, yet we are just like the closest of friends those rare occasions we do manage to see each other. Those are the best kinds of friends--those people who you can bond with ---where it doesnt matter how long you go without seeing each other....things are always the same and each reunion is joyous. I think that it's all of the connections i have made during my life which have really brought meaning to my existence. I like art and music and writing, yet my art i never show to people, my music i can only play when there are instruments nearby (which is becoming often, but still) and my writing i usualy keep on private sites such as facebook and only show to close friends. Those endeavors are more for my own personal enjoyment.
When you meet a person, you dont usually care whether they paint, draw, sing, play sports, etc. Unless they are introduced to you as "X the artist" or "X the pro football player" etc. What draws people or repells them is personality. You could be fucking Van Gogh, but if you have a personality like napoleon Dynamite, chances are that people will not be vying overly much for your friendship. Although nerds are finally making a statement, so maybe that analogy is not the best. Just look at Superbad (great movie). WElll the point i was trying to make is: you can be extraordinarily talented but if you dont have a personality which attracts people, you will always be lonely. Until you make a lot of money, that is. Money is the remedy to otherwise incurable loneliness. But id rather not go that route. What is an attractive personality? well, id say 99.99999% of us have a personlity that will be attractive to SOMEONE. It's rather difficult to be so utterly repulsive that noone will associate with you.
Sometimes i worry that i spend too much time being social and building friendships while neglecting my studies and my interests. Yet when i think about it, Ive come to realize that i am where i am in my life because of three reasons: tenacity, talent, and connections. So I try to devote equal time to all three. I still have a long way to go. If you are interested, check out Violentacres.com. I truly admire this woman, and i would like to be as astute and kind as she is. I dont care if she says she's a bitch. I disagree. For the most part :D
anyways, as i type on into oblivion i would like to say have a good night! im going to call my boy...and take another shot of m&ms. This time im going for the red. or perhaps ill try some ice cream. someone stop me?
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| what it means to be whiteso just when i think the cult of white is almost extinct, it resurfaces in a person i wouldnt expect: my little sister. What i mean to say is...here we are living in a city where minorities pretty much outgun the white folk. Houston may not be a "melting pot" but it is indeed a great tossed salad of races, cultures, languages, even styles of dress. If i take Just a quick glance around this computer lab at HCC i see francophones, viets, muslims, dhaisi (sp) in saris, african women with their hair in braids wearing brilliantly colored caftans. So that should be enough to show a small child that white is not being all you can be. Oh no. My petite soeur is now showing signs of embarrassment for that part of her which is not quite right--ie white. I myself had difficulty establishing an identity as a half asian, half white child. But this was not because i was not white; it was because i didnt have a solid racial identity. On our street, there were asians, black, hispanics, and whites. But to be half asian seemed to be offensive; as if i blatantly advertised my indecency by trying to double dip in the ethnic pool. more later. anyways, as i was saying before so rudely interrupted by all of the obligations of life...yes..my little sister wants to be more white. I never imagined that this was such a burning issue for her. After all, she's only 6. It's expected that someday she'll start wondering about her identity as a half asian, half caucasian person. But that day is not supposed to happen at the age of 6. precocious child. I came across her the other day with her cheeks painted. She had taken a pink marker, colored her cheeks, and diluted the result with water for more of a natural glow. I should mention the first time i tried to color my face. i had one of those 24 color marker sets. Lets just say that i didnt go for the natural glow look. Hey, i still color my eyelids electric blue. but at least i dont use markers. ANYWAYS, so my lil sis started getting some questions about her expertly applied marker-blush. Questions like : "Why are your cheeks so pink?" "Are you sick?"...like any haughty dame she innocently replied "well i dont know...." flutter of the the lashes. But after much questioning the story finally was revealed: She colored her cheeks to look more white. ~sigh! because we all know bonny white lasses have a cream and rosy complexion. my sister has the white skin but not the roses. asians arent rosy cheeked unless they live in mongolia or nepal perhaps. I wouldnt know..... my sister is so freakin' young to be worrying about these things! next week i discovered she now wants to trim her eyebrows. ~sigh~ boyfriend next? ah youth. | | |
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