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Posted by: aii_mAmii Original: 3/27/2008 3:00 AM Views: 8 Back to Your Xanga Site |
Thursday, March 27, 2008
have at it
| lord, i don't even know why i write in this thing anymore. no one reads it! anyway. i am so very tired of peoples' games. straight up; it's like i can't get around it! i attempt to have a friendship with someone and they wanna exhaust a bitch with their petty crap. for the record: I. Hate. It. get away from me if you're going to be stupid! fed up. those are probably the best words to describe my current situation. 1] i broke up with Jeff last Friday. or wait...he broke up with me. ...right? i mean, there is such a thing as mutual breakups, am i correct? FUCKING NO! i don't know what world this motherfucker was living in, but it sure as hell ain't this one. admittedly, i had thought about breaking up with him. thought about it a lot. the day of, though, i was willing to compromise with his ass. i was going to acquiesce on his a) smoking weed, b) always playing frickin' Warcraft, c) always hanging out with his best friend or his cousin and cousin's girlfriend; these of which he claims to never see, d) being unemployed (i was going to call him out his name and say 'you know what, fucker? you CAN get a job even with a back injury - it's called WORKING. FROM. HOME!' but i never did say that), e) not driving nor having a car, f) a slew of other shit that isn't even important anymore. but nope. he decided to use the fated phrases "it's for the best" and "you can call me [whenever you need to talk]". it's like '...what the fuck, nigga? i'm ready to give myself back to you, and you're just throwing me away?!' he can suck my dick. sure i told him i still love him because it's true; that shit just doesn't up and walk away after an amount of time (4 months, in this case). but i told him i wasn't gonna be calling him anytime soon. that shit never has worked and it never will work. 2] speaking of men: there was recently this stupid crap with a guy named Jose. he's a friend & coworker of my grandmother's, he's 28-going-on-29, he's got his own PlaceJobCarAndNoKids, he's uber nice, etc. and on top of all that, since my grandmother had talked me up so much to him, he was willing to meet me! well, cue me, a recently broken-up-with college girl who hasn't been single since April, 2005. GET. A. FUCKING. CLUE. PEOPLE. my grandma considered this guy someone who could be my FRIEND and i'm sitting on the sidelines like, 'um, Gma? this isn't going to work; it's going to blow up in my face because i'm going to automatically start looking at this dude as someone i could possibly have a relationship with'. well, that's all in retrospect, of course. lil' ol' me could never GUESS at the repercussions my dumb ass would end up falling into concerning this man. i got all EXCITED because i thought 'yay! i finally get to date around and some guy just happens to fall into my lap!' (excuse the sexual innuendo there; not intended). i got a little too stimulated about this happening, and it didn't pan out. everything got fucked up. so Jose's out of the picture. 3] next thing on the list: a friend and some of our mutual pals went out last night. we had a good time, and i found myself flirting with and being attracted to said first friend -he goes by Hawthorne- and i thought he was flirting back. well i guess he's one of those natural flirts where when they're being all huggy and cuddly and nice and sweet and jokey like 'hey baby what's your sign?' to a person of the opposite sex, they seem NOT to realize what they're doing. i actually do believe in this mumbo jumbo i'm saying about natural flirts because i'm one, myself. anyway so one of our group left to go do homework, and it ended up being an even number of both sexes. the way it went was there was me, my friend Nicole, our friend Hoppy, and Hawthorne. Hoppy and Nicole were all up on each other on my bed when we came to my room to watch movies, so i figured i'd give it a go with Hawthorne. we were texting during the entirety of the first movie, and the conversation got REALLY not-socially-acceptable REALLY goddamn fast. i told him how i was looking for someone to fuck; he said he hadn't gotten any in awhile, and it was somewhat agreed that when i'm off my period, he and i will get together and involve ourselves in lustful coitus! nope, not happ'nin', bruh. he tried to do this thing where he texted to me, 'we'll talk about it later when there aren't any distractions. that way we can figure it out.' i believe i ended up making him uncomfortable because all of a sudden he had somewhere to be, some group project that he was due for in like 5 minutes. we hugged or whatever as per my asking, then he bounced out. well i had to deal with Nicole and Hoppy being all snuggly and whatnot and eventually asked them to leave because i had homework to finish. i ended up sending Hawthorne a Facebook message explaining that i'd gotten mixed up in my judgment and how, after all, the friends-with-benefits thing wasn't going to work for me. i don't want to get involved in such a situation (though i'm DYING for some dick, i'm not one to lie so there it is) and i let him know that. 3] my dad called me a few days ago. i don't know why he expected me to answer. oh yeah, that's right - because my older brother told him i'd wanted to talk to him! jesus fucking christ, Dad. you think that you can be a deadbeat my whole fucking life and then decide to waltz back in again? i don't THINK so. so you can go on wit'cha self, 'cause i ain't havin' it! and my brother needs to LEAVE me the FUCK out of his and our dad's frikkin' familial entanglements. i could give two shits whether they still talk to each other, let them handle their business. but when my biological seed planter decides he wants to come to me after pretty much being absent my whole FUCKING life, he can stick it where the sun don't shine because i don't have to involve myself. 4] transferring from this small state college to a university has also got me buggin'. this paperwork is ridiculous, i can't WAIT to move out of here and experience some damned diversity. ...and yet, i don't want to leave! i've made quite a few friends (though i'm temporarily considering them acquaintances til they know how to act right) within this semester and i don't want to leave them. i KNOW i won't be talking to them after i'm gone. maybe a text or two saying 'hi how ya doin' lately?' here and there, but i know that's going to be it because they're mostly friends i see in class and not too much outside of it. bring on UNO! and lastly, 5] i'm sick of not knowing what to do with myself. all the guy shit + my dad nonsense hasn't been helping my state of mind lately. i don't know who to turn to because it's like everybody is busy with their own bullshit and they don't want to make time for me (albeit in my "time of need" recently concerning Jeff's and my breakup, my mom and best friend and first ex-bf were ALL there to listen to me). this semester needs to be the fuck OVER with so i can pack my shit and get the hell on. i just want non-familial, non-friendship type love. i want someone to comfort me, kiss me, rub my back, tell me everything's going to be ok, even though it won't be. sure that's a lie but it helps! i don't like to be alone. i was alone for 18 years when i came upon someone i thought i was going to be with the rest of my life, just to have that blow up in my face, as well. then i brought a slew of other people into my life who probably shouldn't have been involved with me to begin with. i don't like feeling like i'm dragging people into this mess of a life i have; they don't need to be hassled with my everyday problems and my 24/7 anger. i want to love someone and be loved in return. at the same time, i want to know what it's like to be free and know that i don't have to have someone to go to and when they say jump i say how high. i'm tired of waiting for that person to come to me, that's why i believe i've always been the aggressor. all in all, i'm tired. | |
Posted 3/27/2008 3:00 AM - 8 views
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