airina05's Xanga

countdown

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 05:11:47 GMT

when you're anticipating something, the worst thing you can do is count down to the event. it makes time drag on sooo much. *sigh*

21 days until NYC!

26 days until Europe!

blank.

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 03:37:28 GMT

my typically drama-free, routine, mundane life has had some spice over the last few days.

without getting into too much detail, i have found myself in a perplexing situation. normally i am very tuned in to how i am feeling about things in my life. my emotional reactions to things are rarely a surprise for me and i am always able to articulate myself and my feelings. which is why i was surprised on friday night to be blindsided by some news that not only gave me no words to formulate a response in an acceptable amount of time, but also created an emotional barrier.

the events of friday night have illustrated that i can't always know my exact feelings towards a particular event. but at the same time, friday night has allowed me to have a response that i didn't even think was possible. when asked how i am feeling about the situation, i honestly can't even provide a response without getting into a 4 hour explanation.

have i reached the absence of feeling? or am i so over-wrought with emotion that i can't even decipher what it is that i am feeling?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 05:50:09 GMT

is not this the true romantic feeling -- not to desire to escape life, but to prevent life from escaping you?

-thomas wolfe

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 05:41:09 GMT

- i was on ESPN in july playing team USA - did anyone see me?
- won silver at the pan-am games in brazil

those are my 2 highlights.

i leave for NYC aug 13 for 10 days, then to toronto for 4.

i hate this feeling of uncertainty that i have. it's eating away at me.

i don't know what the future holds for me. i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i want to escape but i can't afford it. i don't want to work some useless job to make money to leave because i don't want some stupid job.

please donate to my travel fund?

convocation

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 05:21:29 GMT

i graduated last week. yay me.

i was at school getting all set up for convocation, getting into looooong lines for the procession, and i was surrounded by a bunch of people i didn't know. the guy behind me strikes up a conversation...

Random Guy:so what did you major in?
Me: criminology. you?
RG: bio-psychology
Me: oh that's cool. what are you going to do now?
RG: look for a job and start working i guess. maybe go back to school. what about you?
Me: i'm going to play softball
RG: ?? like...as your job?
Me: yep!
RG: like....earn a living???
Me: yeah...kinda
RG: oh....uh...yeah. cool....i guess.

best conversation ever.

absence makes the heart grow fonder. or does it?

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 06:43:18 GMT

it has been nearly 4 months since my last posting. why the hiatus? several reasons:

life happened and i was too busy to spend time thinking of creating things to write about
i had writers' block
mostly related to having writers' block, but i wasn't happy with the things i was writing. i felt like i was almost being too emo. although the alternative to that was to be witty and charming - which requires a lot of work and creativity. my posts became emo-ish becuase i was trying to be overly cryptic about what i was referring to.
i felt obligated to post, which didn't help the writers' block

i've realized that i write for my own benefit. to put things (any maybe myself) out there and possibly gain some feedback in return. i use it as a way to gather and order my thoughts, to make sense of the things happening in my life. i tried too hard before to please my readers, when i should really be trying to please myself. so sorry readers, i write what i want and i appreciate input. i've decided to be more candid because it doesn't matter - you most likely don't actually know me, so why should it matter if you judge me?

that being said. what's gone on in my life the past 4 months?

i finished school. i graduate on THURSDAY (!) with my BA in Criminology. what a weird feeling. i have no plans to get a job yet. no, not because i'm lazy, but because it all depends on what happens with Team Canada. softball and work don't mix too well. besides, i'm in no hurry to grow up and become "an adult". i'm going to miss the university lifestyle - hanging out, having minor responsibility, partying, basically anything that involves not being an adult. really, other than graduating, my life hasn't been overly exciting. i went to seattle with some friends to watch the yankees/mariners games, went to whistler for a friend's birthday, and really, those are the main highlights.

exciting, i know. try living it.

i leave on june 17 to start training with Team Canada. we have Canada Cup at the beginning of July, followed by the US Cup in Okla. (some games may be on ESPN so keep your eyes open!), and then Brazil for the Pan-Am Games.

i'm actually really excited for summer. it's been chill so far, but i've had a couple great weekends with my friends, and once softball starts, it's going to be a lot of work, but so worth it. once i get home at the end of july, i'm home for a couple weeks and then i'm heading to NYC to visit some friends! i'm so, so, soooo excited to go. i've never been before, and i can't wait to see my friends. i haven't seen them for a year - since summer school in hawai'i! i miss my 'ohana. that trip ends with a weekend spent with my bestie in toronto. only to come home and spend time with another good friend who will be visiting seattle (but making a trip to see me); a girl i haven't seen in 2 years! all topped off the with JT concert sept 5!

hope all is well with everyone. what have ya'll been up to the last 4 months?

a new year. a new outlook.

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 02:01:29 GMT

first things first.

i made the team! i'm going to the 2007 pan-am games in brazil! woot~!

anyway.

i was reading over some stuff i had written over the last year. i found one thing that intrigued me and inspired this post. recently, i turned 23. i was in serious denial about it. but i realized that birthday's should be about personal reflection.

what happened to me in my 22nd year that i can learn from in my 23rd?

the most important thing that i learned was independence. i had become so co-dependent and uncomfortable with being alone that i couldn't handle it when it came down to the line. i literally had to rebuild myself and i'm pleased with the results. i have learned a lot in the past year, most importantly about myself.

i hope that i'll be able to take my independence into any new relationship i encounter. the tricky part is finding the balance between independence and co-dependence, something i definitely need to work on.

bonne fete a moi

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 02:07:34 GMT

twenty-three.

ew.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 02:41:23 GMT

hello 2007.

a serious lack of inspiration has left me postless for a few weeks now. and before i knew it, 2007 has arrived...new beginnings...

rather than do the re-hash of the past year, which i do with myself almost daily, i would rather take a look at the things to come. 8 days into the new year and already i've been in las vegas - albeit for softball, but still...i've already rubbed shoulders with one of the best (and also published) sports psychologists in north america, and a canadian legend. i've made promises to myself, promises to others. allow me to re-cap the past week.

national team tryout camps are always stressful. but this one was truly beneficial. ken rivizza was a great surprise and an unbelieveable speaker. he was motivating and the best sports psych guy i've encountered. marnie mcbean was such an inspirational speaker. not only is she the best rower in canada, but she was also in the guiness book of world records, for having gold medals in all of the rowing events. for a canadian athlete, there really couldn't be a better way to begin the new year.

new beginnings. that's all i ask for.

for inspiration, for love, for life...

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 04:44:58 GMT

ah yes, the holiday season is upon us.
but this is wartime. we have been plagued with war for too long. men and women are fighting an irrational war. war cannot be declared upon a concept. who is it that we are fighting? who are we scared of? a war on terror? what is this "terror" of which we speak? terror is not tangible. it is not something that is comprehensible. terror is a feeling, a concept, an idea. if someone is terrified of spiders then is this war against them? war cannot be against something that is perceived, that is individualistic. this war on terror breaks international guidlines for war....jus in bello...jus ad bellum, etc.

i saw bobby last night. i highly reccommend it.

RFK was an inspiration. he provided hope. he believed in humanity. he truly wanted to make a difference. his passion gave birth to passion in others. is this how things are now? in our time, do politicians exist where they inspire people to make a difference? do they instill hope? no and no. rather they create fear. they give names to things that don't actually exist (such as "terror"). politics is no longer about voting in the person who will legitimately do the best they can to benefit the country. politics is about voting against the people you don't want to win. we vote for the people who will screw the country up the least. that's why the democrats are now in control of the senate and the house for the first time in years. our current situation is mirrored in the movie - an unpopular war, a war mongering president...all we're missing is the passion, the hope, the inspiration.

although almost 40 years old, RFK's speeches are still completely relelvant...

on the mindless menace of violence - april 5, 1968
It is not the concern of any one race. The victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are, most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. No one - no matter where he lives or what he does - can be certain who will suffer from some senseless act of bloodshed. And yet it goes on and on and on in this country of ours.

Why? What has violence ever accomplished? What has it ever created? No martyr's cause has ever been stilled by an assassin's bullet.

No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders. A sniper is only a coward, not a hero; and an uncontrolled, uncontrollable mob is only the voice of madness, not the voice of reason.

Whenever any American's life is taken by another American unnecessarily - whether it is done in the name of the law or in the defiance of the law, by one man or a gang, in cold blood or in passion, in an attack of violence or in response to violence - whenever we tear at the fabric of the life which another man has painfully and clumsily woven for himself and his children, the whole nation is degraded.

"Among free men," said Abraham Lincoln, "there can be no successful appeal from the ballot to the bullet; and those who take such appeal are sure to lose their cause and pay the costs."

Yet we seemingly tolerate a rising level of violence that ignores our common humanity and our claims to civilization alike. We calmly accept newspaper reports of civilian slaughter in far-off lands. We glorify killing on movie and television screens and call it entertainment. We make it easy for men of all shades of sanity to acquire whatever weapons and ammunition they desire.