So I haven't posted on this in a while.  I was going to start posting again, because people kept pestering me about it, but then I got busy and stopped.  But lately I've had a lot on my mind and I need a place where I can write my thoughts down and maybe even get some feedback.

First of all, I'm struggling with a lot of regret right now.  But to me regret has to do with mistakes that I've made, but these regrets are about mistakes that other people have made that have affected my life in so many ways.  I remember when I was younger and I was so excited about the concept of going to college.  I envisioned myself hanging out with friends all days, hanging out in other peoples' dorm rooms, being involved in anything and everything that i could be, and just having fun.  I could have had that at howard payne had I not screwed things up for myself...but that was my own fault and i accept responsibility for that.  Then I came to Concordia, and it was really hard at first, but I eventually made some friends, but staying in the dorms wasn't an option for more than a semester, because of money and family dynamics.  And so here I am, almost a senior in college, and I can't help but be jealous of all the people who have had a normal college experience.  Most of college was a blur of pain and weariness and hopelessness and now that I'm mostly past that, I wonder if I'll even be able to get a taste of that.  I was talking to my mom about this a couple of days ago and she suggested that I move into the dorms again next semester.  I'm not sure what I think about that.  On the one hand, it gives me a ray of hope that I'll be able to have a fun senior year and make more friends, but on the other hand, I don't want to count on things being really great if they're not going to be.  I really want whatever God wants.  I just wish I knew what that was.  Should I give up? Should I go for it? 

Another thing that has been going through my head is if I'll ever love again.  Or, better yet, if anyone will ever love me again.  I just...feel so unlovable.  Even if I met a guy that I actually liked, would he like me back?  I dunno, I just ... things aren't how I expected them to be. 

So anyways, those are the thoughts running through my head.  If anyone has any comments to make, I'd love to hear them.  My mind is a little bit more at rest now that I've written things out.  Thanks for listening.