aka_kris_04's Xanga

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 02:21:09 GMT

So I haven't posted on this in a while. I was going to start posting again, because people kept pestering me about it, but then I got busy and stopped. But lately I've had a lot on my mind and I need a place where I can write my thoughts down and maybe even get some feedback.

First of all, I'm struggling with a lot of regret right now. But to me regret has to do with mistakes that I've made, but these regrets are about mistakes that other people have made that have affected my life in so many ways. I remember when I was younger and I was so excited about the concept of going to college. I envisioned myself hanging out with friends all days, hanging out in other peoples' dorm rooms, being involved in anything and everything that i could be, and just having fun. I could have had that at howard payne had I not screwed things up for myself...but that was my own fault and i accept responsibility for that. Then I came to Concordia, and it was really hard at first, but I eventually made some friends, but staying in the dorms wasn't an option for more than a semester, because of money and family dynamics. And so here I am, almost a senior in college, and I can't help but be jealous of all the people who have had a normal college experience. Most of college was a blur of pain and weariness and hopelessness and now that I'm mostly past that, I wonder if I'll even be able to get a taste of that. I was talking to my mom about this a couple of days ago and she suggested that I move into the dorms again next semester. I'm not sure what I think about that. On the one hand, it gives me a ray of hope that I'll be able to have a fun senior year and make more friends, but on the other hand, I don't want to count on things being really great if they're not going to be. I really want whatever God wants. I just wish I knew what that was. Should I give up? Should I go for it?

Another thing that has been going through my head is if I'll ever love again. Or, better yet, if anyone will ever love me again. I just...feel so unlovable. Even if I met a guy that I actually liked, would he like me back? I dunno, I just ... things aren't how I expected them to be.

So anyways, those are the thoughts running through my head. If anyone has any comments to make, I'd love to hear them. My mind is a little bit more at rest now that I've written things out. Thanks for listening.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 06:07:04 GMT

"The Clause" by C.K. Williams from The Singing. © Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Reprinted with permission. (buy now)

The Clause

This entity I call my mind, this hive of restlessness,
this wedge of want my mind calls self,
this self which doubts so much and which keeps reaching,
keeps referring, keeps aspiring, longing, towards some state
from which ambiguity would be banished, uncertainty expunged;

this implement my mind and self imagine they might make together,
which would have everything accessible to it,
all our doings and undoings all at once before it,
so it would have at last the right to bless, or blame,
for without everything before you, all at once, how bless, how blame?

this capacity imagination, self and mind conceive might be the "soul,"
which would be able to regard such matters as creation and
destruction,
origin and extinction, of species, peoples, even families, even mine,
of equal consequence, and might finally solve the quandary
of this thing of being, and this other thing of not;

these layers, these divisions, these meanings or the lack thereof,
these fissures and abysses beside which I stumble, over which I reel:
is the place, the space, they constitute,
which I never satisfactorily experience but from which the fear
I might be torn away appalls me, me, or what might most be me?

Even mine, I say, as if I might ever believe such a thing;
bless and blame, I say, as though I could ever not.
This ramshackle, this unwieldy, this jerry-built assemblage,
this unfelt always felt disarray: is this the sum of me,
is this where I'm meant to end, exactly where I started out?

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 07:46:42 GMT

earlier today i was watching tv and i saw a commercial for a new soft drink or something and in it there was a lady walking down a busy street and all of normal sounds that one would hear came across as music. so all you heard was a great jazz song and the different sounds that would normally be obnoxious were translated into different parts of a jazz band. for example, a jack hammer was drums, and an old lady yelling at someone was scatting and an obnoxious construction worker was scatting. all i could think during this commercial was how cool it would be to see things like that. from this lady's perspective, everything worked together to create a beautiful tapestry of sound, and in reality, isn't that how things really are? everything works together for a greater purpose, which will ultimately be for good, and wouldn't life be so much more marvelous if we took all of these things in stride and enjoyed the fact that good will be accomplished in them? i'm as guilty as anyone at not doing this, but i just thought that this commercial was a good representation of what life could be like if we took it in from the right perspective.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:12:18 GMT

in order to honor tizzle's request to join the revolution, i am posting. so what's been going on this summer? i've definitely had a dull summer. my wrist has been acting up and hurting a lot this summer so my initial plan of working my butt off fell apart. i've still been working, but not a lot, and not enough to put lots of money aside. oh well. i've mostly been reading and watching tv and sleeping and doing normal boring summer stuff. but i am well ready for school to start again and to be going crazy with busyness. i'm super excited about this semester and i really hope that God has some awesome things in store for it. i suppose that is my prayer for this semester - that it would be a time of renewal and restoration and that i could have a normal, happy, and functional life for once. i want to embrace every moment but still keep my sights on the future and on God.

i've been studying genesis this summer and let me tell you, God has been showing me some awesome things. i've only gotten through the first three chapters, but i have learned so much and i'm so excited about learning more. oh! i know something else i've been doing this summer - crossword puzzles!!!!! i've always liked doing them, but i've been doing them a lot and i can't say that i'm good at them, but i'm definitely getting better. wow...does that make me old? i did a whole lot of crocheting at the beginning of the summer...that can't be a good omen. oh well, when school starts there won't be time for any of that anymore.

well, i need to head off to bed, so this post must end. have a good week!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 03:37:51 GMT

Now introducing....

Ruby!
the newest edition to our family

My mom's got it right - every home should have more computers and animals than people

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 18:45:02 GMT

so last week i knocked my nose ring out while taking off my glasses. i went to go get another one and stuck it in, but i couldn't get the screw to screw in so i put in a stud with a ball at the end instead. that didn't stay very well. last night it fell out while i was asleep and by the time i woke up, the hole had closed up. so after church today, my mom and i went to the tattoo parlor and i got it pierced all over again. fun fun fun. three more months until i can change it out. another month of cleaning it 4 times a day. oh well. it's worth it though, because i really really like it. i got a purple one this time instead of a white one. i'm going to have to be careful not to knock this one out too. i will be though, because it hurts, so i'll be more aware of it. anyways, moral of the story - be careful of your nose ring when taking off your glasses and choose a tattoo parlor who will do the piercing for free when you do something stupid like me. oh, and try to get a nice piercer - mine wasn't very nice, but i know that there are nice, good ones out there, so try to find one of those. have a great day guys!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 14:59:26 GMT

today feels like it should be a rainy day

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 20:30:37 GMT

personals ad in this weeks chronicle:

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In other news...

School is good - challenging, but good. Work is good - there's still a lot of tweeking of the schedule. Next semester i think that i'm gonna move back home so that i can work less and make more of my focus on school and less on making rent. My mom offered me the big bedroom with the big bathroom attatched to it, so i think i'll be able to still maintain my independence while having a significantly lower monthly fee. i'm actually kind of excited, because i'm going to paint and rewallpaper and i get my parents' old bed and its a king size and i'm suuuuper excited about that, because its BIIIIIG. ah, the things that make life worth living - freshly painted walls, long bubble baths, and a king sized bed to stretch out on. oh! the other perk of living at home would be that i can probably get a puppy. i like puppies. they make me happy.

so i thought i'd just give an update. i still haven't gotten much sleep in the last couple days - probably on like 5 hours in the last 96. my brain is turning to mush as a result. so alas, i will go and take a nap until the next event of the day. have a great week guys!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 07:59:16 GMT

i think its really cool how niceness and compassion transcend cultures and language barriers. there's a dishwasher at kerbey who speaks absolutely no english (with the exception of hello, goodbye, and thank you) and she was stranded without a ride tonight and the next bus wasn't going to come until 5am. so...i took her home. that definitely took me out of my comfort zone, because i speak very little spanish and i wasn't exactly sure how i was going to figure out where she lived. i talked to one of the cooks who knew, but he didn't speak loads of english either. so i took her home and we had a nice little conversation where we both only half-understood each other, but i got a chance to learn some things about her and that was fun. she's such a nice lady and i really enjoy being around her even though i can't understand her and we come from different cultures. i learned that she has three kids who are in mexico right now and she's working here to send money to them so that they can come here. i think thats so cool that she's willing to do that for her kids - i can't imagine coming to a place where the predominant language isn't my own and where i have to work such a demeaning job as washing dishes for 8 hours at a time. anyways, my spanish has come to use and i had fun and came to respect a woman who i can't even understand. i think thats cool.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 23:18:35 GMT

when did i become this mess that i am? when did i stop caring? when did i turn into the very person i didn't want to become? i keep telling myself that the harder i push, the better things will be. but that doesn't seem to be the case. i keep telling myself that everyone else is going through this too. but thats not true either. i've been expecting so much from myself that things that i never knew could escape from my grasp have. i don't know what it means to care anymore or to have compassion. all that i have left is bitterness and exhaustion. i could keep going on like this, but why would i want to? i hate myself. i don't take care of myself. i don't take care of those around me. my life is constantly in a state of mayhem and i can't seem to stop it. i feel hopeless and lost. i escape by going from one addiction to another - things that might ordinarily seem common but which i take to an extreme. i want an out. but only God can provide that for me. i'm nearing the bottom and i'm losing my grip. Lord, save me, help me. i'm slowly destroying myself through this insanity that i cling to.