It seems to me, now that I’m closing in on my leave date
that the main question everyone has been asking me goes along the lines of how
I feel about deploying. Are you excited,
Are you scared, Are you going to make a break for Canada? All of which breaks down to simply, how do
you feel about deploying?
I’m excited, ecstatic, and looking forward to it. "Oh my god man! The government done brainwashed you", you
might say. "Is this guy nuts?" You might think. The fact of the matter is I knew what I was
getting myself into when I first swore in as a soldier and again as an
officer. A soldier fights wars, this is
our profession. How could I knowingly
say I did not expect to go with this fact in mind?
Everyday I sit in my cubicle working on the current project
at hand think that there must be more to life than what is on my screen and the
glow of the fluorescent lights. Life seems
so dead and boring with each passing day.
While I’ve taken up several hobbies to occupy my time, I could not help
but feel a bit unaccomplished at the end of the day. What did I really accomplish that day? How did I change my little share the world
for the better?
I read the emails from my colleagues going through all the different
army courses, and could not help but feel a bit envious towards the
opportunities that are offered them.
While it is true that I do enjoy my cushy life with central air, hot
meals and indoor plumbing, I cannot truly appreciate them by being denied
it. That goes the same with life in
general. You can’t really appreciate it
until it is not yours to keep.
Don’t get me wrong, I do hold a tinge of fear in me. Not of war and death, but of failing. I am a 23 year old lieutenant who is expected
to take my first platoon of soldiers deep into the middle of Iraq. I am placed in charge of people who are old
enough to be my parents, who has been in the army long enough to know the ins
and outs of how things are done, and who has been through multiple deployments. Sometimes as I stand in front of that
formation, I wonder to myself "am I worthy of this position?"
But truth be told, I have a great group of soldiers. They respect my authority and follow my
commands. I have great NCOs who guide me
along and puts me on the straight and narrow so that I avoid completely fucking
myself over. Of course I still make
mistakes from every once in a blue moon, but hey they best way to learn is from
your mistakes right?
I love being in the army, I truly do. It breaks the monotony of life and allows me
to do things that would be "unbecoming of a proper civilian." I want to change my piece of the world for
the better and help those who need it.
I
want to feel accomplished.
