So, I made a big mess of things yesterday.  I don't know what I was thinking... knowing myself, I probably wasn't.  I think I screwed up all chances of happiness for myself.


So, I had this dream in the early morning. It was one of those dreams I have when I'm depressed. It hurt, but it comforted me... it seemed wrong, but sounded like a real good idea... especially when compared to suicide--which is how I used to dream.

When everything was really messed up, like "far beyond what I can see or comprehend" in this point in time, I "ran away from home".  I abandoned all 3 of my homes: my home where I live, my home of the church, and the home I am soon to be kicked out of for screwing up.

"Ran away from home" is childish. I end up a hobo.  A crazy hobo.. sort of. Like I'm not crazy already?  I let my hair grow, I cut up myself, like my left eye and the area around all my distinctive features (birthmark especially)... all attempts to have people not recognize me.

I carried around a bookbag.  It had two pairs of shoes and clothes. I didn't carry any identification on me, because that would be really dumb, eh?

And in one section of my bag, I had, on little pieces of paper, all the mess-ups I have made in my life. All the sins... all the reasons I shouldn't exist.

Whenever people asked why I was on the street, I would take out one of the slips of paper.  Two ones were prevalent however.  I guess those are my BIG things: 
I masturbate to make myself feel loved.  (and)
I told the girl I love that I don't love her.

blahblahblah.. stuff happens where I meet people from my "past"... blahblahblah.. I wake up.  And think... that's a good idea.

Nature (of myself)

    There are many things within everyone that causes them to think and do certain things. When things get too tough, some people just get frustrated/upset and give up.  While others strive more to acheive the great.

    I do not understand either, although my Nature is one of those.. I do not understand what drives myself to give up.  A lot of people around me are the same as me, while very few actually strive to better themselves.

   What have you given up on?  This seems like a good question to begin with. You may have given up on homework because you think it's pointless. Or you may have quit your job because it was no longer an interest to you--despite, maybe, a good paycheck.

    What have I given up on?  Maybe if I answer this question, it will create a spark within yourself to question one's own quitting standards.. maybe.  Recently, I gave up taking AP Clac a month through because it was "too difficult".  I dropped down to Honors Calc just because I didn't want to put some extra effort in and study/do homework.

    What do I want to give up on? There are a few things right now I want to quit. One, I want to quit my volunteer job (title left out to hide my identity).  Why? Because I have no control or authority.  October 4th was a good example of this.  I couldn't do anything correctly.  Another worker there confirmed that I was bad at this job.  If someone who also holds the same position as me thinks I suck, then is it not a valid reason to give up?

    Can we answer now, "Why do we want to give up when it gets difficult?"  Do you blame it on yourself or do you blame it on others?  It's easy to blame your Nature on the things/people around you.

    Personally, I blame it on "all-of-the-above". The environment makes the person.  I have spent extensive time trying to determine where all my little traits/quirks originated from.  I do not recall where I picked up scuffing my feet and spitting, but I do remember why I stopped.  I liked a girl, she hated those things I did.. so I forced myself to stop.

    Where did that get me?  Nowhere.  That's why I barely bother changing myself anymore. I just let the environment affect me and add onto the layers of lies and false personalites.

              *              *                          *                         *                        *                        *          *

    I can no longer stand by writing from a somewhat objective view.  What the hell is bothering me now?  Torn between several voices again.  One is an obsviously pious person--one of the same gender as mine.  Another, is a slacker who could care less about its own gender.  The third, is an exteme opposite of my gender, who only really wants to please others, but is also very selfish.  The final voice, tries to be a voice of reason, a peace-keeper if you will.. who's also now split into two separate voices.

    Combining all these voices together creates a very distinct 83 personalites.  The damn third voice, EGL, want to please others.  EGL does this by taking on the traits of those around EGL.  It doesn't matter if it contradicts EGL's beliefs or could cause damage to EGL.. EGL assimilates the personality traits into EGL's being.

    The genderless slaker, ???--that's it's real name-- probably a core voice heard while at school.. or any other place that has to do with being productive.  And this voice is kicking in right now.  It wants me to stop writing and just sit here, alone in the cafeteria looking like a total loser.  I guess this voice also helped form the "voice of reason"'s other personality.  Yes, ??? cause the split of neutral Derek--the voice of reason's name--into pessimism and optimism.

    The pious voice, Des, we're not talking about him now.. I'm just making a quick note about how Des was able to keep the optimism in Derek. ...??? wins for today.

    Sure, we'll talk about EGL and her origin. I was often very alone, most of the time... I still am. My first real friend was a girl.  I admired her very much.  Then, I eventually made more female friends. I gues the m:f ratio is 2:7.

    With this background, lies my fear... being alone. How do I prevent that?  Make friends and never upset them. My first friend was a girl, so, it only makes sense to want to be true friend to others. Girls are more sensitive and logical. So, for my own sake, EGL was created. A girl, who only wants to make people happy. Her downside, she wants to be happy nd have lots of friends.. thus, making her selfish.

    EGL and ??? have been my defensive personalities. One, EGL, keeps me content. While the other, ???, keeps me safe from my own emotions. The other personalities either keep me in check or balance out the insides.. however it must be said.

    I'm not quite sure who I want to analyze next. Derek has been around longer, but Des is one of the two main conflicting voices.

    I guess Derek is a good choice. Derek keeps me from either doing something stupid or thinking certain chances are mine for the taking. Then again, Derek2 is the pessimistic one and sometimes his reasoning hurts more than Derek1's thinking.

    Recently, Derek2 thought that I was getting too close, too quickly to Chii-chan. His reasoning was to use "the deal". "The deal" was originally designed for Sofa Pirate. She couldn't stand me, so I promised I would leave her alone for a week. Now, SP actually talks to me and pretends to like me.

    I gave up "the deal" method with Chii-chan half-way through because I never really warned her about it. Plus, I ended up just feeling stupid. It is better to feel silly for a little moment then to feel stupid for a whole week.. maybe more.  It's also phun to feel silly with her. I feel like I'm actually worth something more than just a number or a freak.

    The mood swings don't help though. Neither does me taking things too seriously or the wrong way. And I do realize that I am forcing things too much with her. At this current rate, I might say/do something entirely too "stoopid". Yes, the secret past.. the thing that freaks out most of the girls I have told (who I also have a crush on).

    I'm going to go off on a little tangent or something. O think a lot of people are too afraid to say what's on their minds. They don't say so because they are afraid of hurting people. But this builds up over time.. and it will eventually explode.

    When the explosion happens, the hurt caused by the other party will be greater than just telling someone they are very annoying or being too "affectionate". Someone yesterday flat out told me his day sucked (was annoying) because of me. So, I left him alone. It would have been worse if he went the whole week, then exploded and said he never wanted me to talk to him again.

    Although, there are few groups we can never be honest to.. little children, being one of them. If we show our emotions, it reveals weakness and they could rule us with it. Also, the environment builds the character/personality. We couild push a child into becoming eternally soft-spoken and shy. Never wanting to speak for fear of offending someone or setting others off.

            *    same    *    day    *

    Another little tanger, why does it matter if someone has trouble speaking in front of others? Just because you are at ease while a girl begins to blush while talking, is that a real reason to make fun of that person? It's ticking me off. I guess it gets to me because I'm a little bit like that. I'm still kinda like that... especially in front of a large group of people. Large, in my sense, is a group of 13 classmates I have never talked to. I kinda want to ask those girls who they were talking about, but I don't want to sound like a nosy little prick.

    Yea, I didn't ask them..... What else happened today? Talked to the usual people. Network security was canceled. Talked to CF. Started writing in Xanga again.. and talked to Chii-chan a bit before I went to sleep.

    I don't really feel like going back to the main topic and tlaking about my other personalities. I especially don't because I'm waiting for Chii-chan to get out of class. I know if I talk about those personas, then I won't be able to get into the writing and delve as much as I want. Plus, it might affect any conversation that we might have. ..nothing to say, grr.

    CCF, hmm... not much to say really.. there isn't. 'Tis noisy... and kiinda warm in the room. Three guitars, probably too much. I guess it's warm because I don't really know the people. They seem okay.. I could analyze them for your understand, but I won't. Maybe I lied.. they are just as mean as some of the other people at TNL. Very, uhh.. how to describe this? An organized randomness. Yea, I guess that's good.

    Wow, it's really amazing that I took up a half a page of nothingness. |Pah| is somewhat critical from what I note.

    Meh... not phun.. sword/stone thing. Had to run.. fell, and made an idiot out of myself. It's amazing what kids will do for candy. "Lactose in Airheads.." haha. Kids just want a reward, they don't care how wrong their answer is.

    Mmm.. candy. Small group was alright. People weren't as bad as I thought they would have. Although, they did make quite a mess with the popcorn and candy.

    It's 10/26.. I think Chii-chan said her church's fall harvest thing is today. So yea, me = not going to that because it owuld be too awkward. Plus, she didn't invite me.. hehe.

    So, today, today starts the collection. I figure at some point Chii-chan or Stasha might take this notebook and read it so I will use some reverse Gahi to speak about it. It's pretty easy for cryptographers to figure out.. so no biggeh.

    Oac, E's kuehk du pa lummaldehk lnihlro mayjac & behaluhac vun, well, you know for what reason.

    I'm pretty sure there's a few translators on the "Interweb" for that section. As far as the collections go, I have one & I was poking Josh with it last night. He was so confuzzled on why I had that in my coat pocket.  I told him and he just thought that Iit was an odd way about trying to do what I'm trying to do.

    Yay for being ambiguous! Gah.. class is starting. Oh well, I'll continue writing. He, the professor, doesn't like a girl, Kate. He said "one more time and there will be less people to grad," right after he marked Kate absent.

    We're talking about Leo Tolstoi. He led  a crazy vain life before settling down to write books. The professor likes to talk more about history than composition and actual writing. I think his favourite student in this class is Sarah B because she humours his questions. She is very knowledgable about history, literature, and religion.

    What I know of Sarah B: she's from Chatam High, she knows how to get an easy grade, and she sems like she is very friendly. Then again, everyone has falws.. she double-talks. You don't know who she's going to do that to either.

    "Do not mix your wodka with your opium, especially when waiting for the early train." --K.Ray. Somehow we got around to someone who are peanut butter out of his "bottom" to get out fo going to Vietnam.

    K.Ray is actually talking about some things that are interesting. He likes to skip around in out sections of readings.

    Yea, yea.. I know, it's been more than 25 hours since I last wrote in here. Which explains my behavior for the last 24 hours.  I basically allowed my persona to go crazy and get the best of me. Meaning.. I was stupid again.

    I talked to stupid people and allowed "the comfort" to set in again. I didn't "dress-thepart" but I sure as hell acted it. Scared a few, and especially confuzzled a bunch.

    I think I let people control my feelings. Since I'm mainly confused or ignorant about my own feelings, IO tend to let others' ideas set in.. and eventually I think they are making sense.

    Downs.. again, the day has slipped past me.. at least I know that I can write some in Japanese and maybe during SGC if they aren't playing Quiddler, Tsure, Lotus or some other fun game I like to play.  I will win today in Quiddler!!

    So, here I am, writing in Japanese.. looking over my old "Fear of Absebce" note.  I realize today that I was exactly that.. alone. Even though I was near other people, they don't realize I'm there or care if I'm gone. I'm pretty sure when I left today for class that I was just another speck in ther eye.

    They barely feel me or notice I'm there or want to say something. Being around people takes away from the fact of being alone and having me write in here, for sanity's sake.

    I apologize to whoever found my OctoJourn for being so depressing. I wrote on my shadow Xanga the other day. I actually got a comment. The girl said that I'm beautiful or something like that. I understand her intention but I don't understnad what impulsive thought she had to comment on a lost sould's blog.

    Haven't played Quiddler yet, might not. I lost in both Boggle (CF is ridunk) and Rumis by 4 points.  Now, I'm just watching/hearing people play other games.

    Chii-chan is in the student center too. but she's in like a study group. I'm guessing for A&P. Yea, don't want to bother her with her studies just to freak her out.

    Didn't bother to wait to play Quiddler. But I did get to bother Chii-chan.  I don't feel like writing about what I thought during/after walking her to her car because she's sitting next to me.

    Oh, guess what.. my fear was right again. It was able predict that the real Des would concel on me. He had a valid reason though.. a conference or something to go to. At least I didn't find out after waiting there for a while. Fear.. I hate it when you're right.

    You always seem to know when someone will concel on me. And it's usually the day of that you figure it out too. How many times have you been right? Hmm.. the last 3 times I had a chance to hang out with #3.. that time with Beth, and the other time with Dani R.. those were the last few times before college started again. I can forgive the first times that they've canceled on me, but I could never really expect the real Des to cancel.

    Heh, I guess the vision you, Fear, had of the shadow blog was again correct. "You never do know how bad your day is going to be."

    I hate to blame my failures and certain fears on others, but I believe that the environment makes the person. My fear of commitment exists most likely because of those cancelations. Wow, I'm pathetic.. blaming my being on that of others. I could never seem to tak responsibility for my actions. I've blamed it on a bunch of other crap.. especially the environment.

    ...Life, again.. at least for today, sucks. Let's  hope it can get a little bit better. Maybe, Chii-chan can make me smile before I cry and wipe my memories/emotions clean.

    Oh I barely even did anything that can be defined as crying. I just moped.. if that's how ya spell it. Yea, I guess I'm at 75% pessimism. I barely care.. I went to my car, sat there for a bit and though. Then for some reason I went back into school. Maybe for hopes to talk to someone. But I don't really want to make that person feel like I'm putting my problems on them.

    So now, I'm sitting outside the science center, where I left Chii-chan.. too afraid to go in and talk to her.  I fear that I'll just appear like a little pest to her (I probably already do). Telling her stupid things like, "don't trust anyone to keep their promises." Yea, I'm a real jerk.

    I now kinda see why people cancel on me so much. Also, I think, maybe, that Chii-chan may see me as a leech. Kinda too obvious, aren't I?
  
    What'd I think about when I was in my car? All the good pessimistic stuph.. you know, how people don't really care. If I disappear from a group of people, it usually takes them quite a while to realize I', gone. Hmm.. wonder how long it would take people to realize my death. Ooops, probably should write about that. Why? Because then people will have to act like they're worried just to make me feel somewhat loved.

    Hmm. it looks like my writing got a bit darker in the second half of that last paragraph. Haha.. if I can't see you, then you can't see me. Why did they put a bnch in front of the women's restroom?  It makes very little sense. Unless, of course the janitors are all perverts. Hmm.. that does seem kinda likely. Ha, again, I'm taking about nothing.. this is how you can write really long blogs; jsut write about absolutely nothing.

    At least, I can sort of see Chii-chan from this bench. She's cute and kinda keeps me from going a bit too insane.

    Wow, I am amm.. cover blown? hha.. life does suck. How much did I write today..? Wow, almost 2 pages. Just a little bit more rambling, writing big, and throwing in some ellipses.. or what ever they're called. You know, these things, "...". Yay! I wrote 2 full pages about nothing and depressing things. Well, depressing things are kinda the same as nothing becuase very few people care about what happens to me.

    Hmm.. Chii-chan's study-buddy's name is Heather.. red hair. I already forget her face. Hmm, I have a pretty much horrible memory. At lease this journal shall remind me.. if I don't lose it, that is. H kinda looks like LN. Hmm.. looking to other reminders of other people should help, but how to remember her name?

    Gah! Dyslexia is starting to almost kick in again. Oh yes, I dfinitely have enough pages left to finish the OctoJourn. Wow, my abbreviations suck. Eww,, memories of Forensic Science. Why? Both because K&H are talking about bones and 4in6.

    Yay for avoiding my problems and emotions. That's what writing is somewhat good for. Dang.. they're smart. I guess I can stop writing now. Feel kinda alright now.. except just dumb, but I always feel like that.

    So, it was all just a ruse. Her kindness.. 'twas  all just an act towards me. I guess it was her Christian instinct just to be nice to a freak like me. I guess I now have some topice to write about for either later today, tomorrow, or next month. She had to be fake nice to me just to prevent me from doing more stupid things. But, I guess she's fed up with tolerating me.. as are most people. She's cute, and smart, but I guess that's all there is to her. Still, she has more than I can say. Me, I have nothing. Not even a reason for people  wanting to talk to me.

    I figured out a new experiment to try. I'll just sit around people.. or even just alone and see if anyone would bother to talk to me.

    Wow, someone said bye to me.. amazing. I somewhat matter.

    It's the next day, but I still have to write about yesterday. Got home, ma was ticked because I didn't go to get the Starbuck's application. Then, we took the Durango down to the dealer to get it checked over and some other things.

    Got home, checked email and logged onto  AIM with an away message up. Chii-chan sent a message on Facebook. Something about it being long overdue.. so, I guess that really means she can't, actually, she probably never could truly tolerate me being around.

    My near end resolution, since my NYR's pretty much failed/I gave up on them.. my promise to myself.. is to stop poking (only for the rest of 2007). Yea, even online poking. Why? Because all it seems to do is cause me trouble. Even though, I originally adapted the pokings for lack of my social skills and to have people like me.

    Maybe, I should give up all methods of touch-to-touch human contact. I mean, if poking gets me no where, then what's to say that hugging, playful bumping, and other such things will get me anywhere with people? I probably should also give up staring at people and shaking my head as if I'm displeased with them. The only one I'm really displeased with is myself.

    How can I stop just being a stupid little jerk? It doesn't bother me too much that people don't want to be around me or acknowledge my existence. The thing that bothers me is that I don't like myself. What don't I like about myself? Oh, a lot of things.. basically each one of my personality traits. I wonder if there's a way to suppress those traits without causing any major damage to the main vessel?

    I'm not comfortable with myself.. maybe that is also why I can never seem to get a girl. I wanted to write, just now, "study", but instead I startted to write "stupid". I guess that gives me enough of a glance into myself as I need.

    There's too many thoughts and feelings for me to even write about them. I think I'll try again later.. maybe a bit before English or during Japanese.

    Ooo.. someone sensed something was wrong. Congrats TS.. good analysis too. Didn't bother to talk about it though. I'd rather just forget yesterday, but I know I will have to revisit the memory when I go to type this up...

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