I still can’t fuckin believe or want to believe that he’s gone!...  I still remember the next morning after the incident waking up and thinking whew it was all a nightmare! But then I snapped back to reality and realized I was in denial thinking it was just all a horrible nightmare… it’s just that one of the worst feelings in the world is loosing someone you care about… I’ve been trying my best to stay strong and keep positive but its really a struggle when I look at pictures and think about all of the memories knowing that I’ll never get to talk to him or kick it with him ever again!... Damn it’s really a huge reality check to cherish what you got in life and say what you got to say because you don’t know if you’ll have tomorrow to do so… I hella miss him! L… Darien you truly were one of a kind! From having your own unique style, to doing your own thing, you were the type of person that made an impact on everyone that you met… the other day I was feeling really down and I looked through my yearbook and saw what you wrote and it made me laugh, you said “Better not forget ma ass and don’t get sunburn! Stay short and sweet! Well not like you gotta choice to stay short or not.” LOL and I won’t ever forget yah! Who ever did this to Darien is up for a life full of hell, all I know is the mother fuckers will burn in hell… I MISS YOU DARIEN!

Tell “Captain Howdy,” and Minh Nguyen I say hello… 

I miss yah! <3 always your “Favorite midget.”

RIP Vinh “Darien” Nguyen!                                    

 a gentle wind blew cross the land
reaching out to take a hand
For on the winds the angels came
calling out my friend's name.

Left behind, the tears we cry
Loving memories of the years
Of joy and love, a life well spent
And now to God a friend is sent.

On angel's wings, a heavenly flight
the journey home, towards the light
to those who weep, a life is gone
But you will forever live on in our hearts,

memories and prays…

I’m so fuckin confused! As dumb as this sounds I really don’t know myself, my needs, what makes me happy and what I need in my life… feeling hella lost right now… I need some guidance! There’s just been a question constantly on my mind and it’s got me endlessly searching for a damn answer… the question that keeps replaying in my mind is why do I push the people that care for me away? Like I keep telling myself I want to find someone that truly cares for me, but when that someone is standing before me I turn them away… and I don’t know why? Am I scared of commitment, Am I just too closed minded, am I still hurting off of my past heartache? I don’t know what makes me turn them away… But all I do know is if I don’t change I’m going to miss out on being with someone that has more than enough to offer me… But another thing that leaves me in a state of confusion is I feel torn between two people that care for me… And I could never choose one over the other because I care for each of them equally and would never want to do anything to hurt either one of them, and that’s why I would rather be alone then to hurt anyone… but its so fuckin hard because a huge part of me would like to be in a relationship, but then deep down inside I know it’s wrong… I just feel so guilty! But I don’t know what I did to make them like me… it’s stressing me out…because it’s not just happening with one person, there’s two people involved and it adds to the stress because I get caught up trying not to hurt one of them … Shit I don’t know it’s confusing as fuck! err I’m using the “F,” word too much… I just hate the situation I’m in right now, I just need time away from people…but anyways I’m not in the best mood right now…

HAPPY NUDE REAR!  I MEAN HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

CHRISTINA MILIAN “I’M SORRY.”

“Boy we’ve been cool for so long now tell me why would you just up and throw that away… your makin a mistake thinking that we would be lovers… but I don’t look at you that way… I’m sorry… I gotta go away because I didn’t mean to lead you on, you say I broke your heart but I didn’t mean to lead you on… and its hard to hear the truth, and I’m feeling bad because you love me… I’m sorry! what did I do? tell me what did I do? I didn’t try to… I didn’t wanna hurt you…”

In a gloomy mood once again… which really sucks because it’s new years… about 30min until the clock strikes 12… and it will be Jan 1^st 2005… Times just drifting by… I kinda wish I wasn’t in such a sucky mood so I could go out and celebrate the beginning of the New Year… because it seems that spending new year eve alone has become a routine for me… because last year and the year before were also lonely ones… but its not that easy for me to slip out of a depressing mood, I just got some stuff stuck on my mind… and its hard to keep strong especially when tonight suppose to be all about celebrating and being with family and friends…awww ray ray and Tristan just called me there such sweeties… but yeah just drama stuck on my mind, about Eddie… I just feel very hurt and confused… just the stuff he’s been saying to me has got me on a major guilt trip… I can’t magically have feelings for him… I just feel that we’ve been friends for so long that it’s too awkward and confusing to see him as anything more... the message he wrote me really just topped off the reason for my mood… just the things he’s saying hella makes me cry… I just don’t know what to do… I hella care for him and I don’t want to hurt him… but at the same time I’m dying inside by keeping this all to myself… I’m just getting a little overly worked up about the situation but it just hurts…

and another thing that also sucks is when I’m in a gloomy mood I always start to dwell on past hurts and it makes me feel even more unhappy… like about Andrew, its been so long since I had anything to do with him but whenever I feel sad I notice I think about him and it just adds to the unhappiness… It just really gets to me when I think about all the cards and letters I sent to him to let him know I missed him, to wish him a happy birthday, to wish him a Merry Christmas and just to let him know that I still cared… and in return I never received anything back… and it may seem like I’m being a big baby about it but no one really understands how happy a simple letter would make me and just how much it would mean to me to know that he at least still cared… but I guess the end of this year is my signal to let those past hurts fade… and that’s exactly what I’m going to do… because I cant keep hurting myself by caring for someone that doesn’t care for me… I hate letting stupid shit get to me… but I guess what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger… My new years resolution is to be more independent and stronger mentally… I know growing mentally stronger will be a challenge for me because I’m sensitive and can be really insecure but I’m determined to overcome my struggles…well I guess this is a fresh start, drama behind me and happiness ahead…

DECEMBER 15^th 2004

Kelly Clarkson “Breakaway,” “ I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly, I’ll do what it takes till I touch the sky, I’ll make a wish,  take a chance, make a change and breakaway… out of the darkness and into the sun, but I wont forget all the ones that I love… I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway.” <~ I Like that song J 

FINALLY!!! Haha that’s what I feel like shouting out right now!...  The day I been waiting for has come, and I feel happy but a little disappointed about the time of month I’ll be in basic training and the job field I was placed in which was the general aptitude area… but I cant complain at least I got a damn day to leave… but it seems so long from now, but I’m sure time is really going to fly by and before I know it I’ll be on a jet plane on my way to the hell hole for some vigorous and strenuous activities that’ll challenge me mentally and physically… dang though now that I have a day to leave, its really a wake up call to grow up and really prepare myself to be on my own… and the problem is a huge part of me is still so stuck on being a kid, I don’t wanna grow up! haha…  but just like that song by Kelly Clarkson “Breakaway,”  gotta get out on my own, take chances and risks… but now that I know what day I’m leaving I can actually get a move on in life… like get a job and make some money… but I don’t think I’m going to attend college just yet, because I’m planning on using my GI bill to cover the financial costs of college…

December 16^th 2004

Off we go into the wild blue yonder,

climbing high into the sun

here they come zooming to meet our thunder

at em boys give er the gun

down we dive spouting our flame from under

off with one helleva roar,

we live in fame or go down in flame

HEY! nothing will stop the U.S Air Force!

I got that damn Air force song stuck in my mind! Haha I keep humming the toon and catch my self reciting the song without even thinking… Damn though Srgt Blanton and Srgt Henderson really drilled us on memorizing that song… DEP call was so much fun today! I haven’t laughed so much in a long time! I was tearing up from laughing so hard… I swear my squad has the best recruiters and boss ever! There Hella laughs and their not all serious or uptight… Anyways, went clubbin at empire yesterday with Sharayah and her friend Keira it was cool we had fun shakin our thangs… But afterwards I felt hella dirty from being up in the club with all these sweaty people, haha it was pretty packed that night and when me and Sharayah were trying to get passes this one dude that was all up in the way he rub his back against our arms and ewww that was FUCKIN nasty LOL his back felt like a puddle of wet dirty yuck haha there aint no words to explain it… it was just yuck! but other than that… good times good times J

"My sorrow underneath" By an unknown poet... hella good poem though I'm feelin it!  

I think of all my problems
I think of all my pain
I think of all my sorrows
Until I go insane

I think of all the smiles I've worn
Which hide sorrows underneath
No one seems to notice
That I go through so much grief
My words come out as lies

These days I'm feeling distant
Far away and weak
My sadness pulls me further
From the happiness I seek

I've just begun to realize
My hopes and dreams are gone
I'm walking down a dead end road
Humming a tuneless song

 suckY mood! FeeLin bummed!