HAPPY NUDE REAR!  I MEAN HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

CHRISTINA MILIAN “I’M SORRY.”

“Boy we’ve been cool for so long now tell me why would you just up and throw that away… your makin a mistake thinking that we would be lovers… but I don’t look at you that way… I’m sorry… I gotta go away because I didn’t mean to lead you on, you say I broke your heart but I didn’t mean to lead you on… and its hard to hear the truth, and I’m feeling bad because you love me… I’m sorry! what did I do? tell me what did I do? I didn’t try to… I didn’t wanna hurt you…”

In a gloomy mood once again… which really sucks because it’s new years… about 30min until the clock strikes 12… and it will be Jan 1^st 2005… Times just drifting by… I kinda wish I wasn’t in such a sucky mood so I could go out and celebrate the beginning of the New Year… because it seems that spending new year eve alone has become a routine for me… because last year and the year before were also lonely ones… but its not that easy for me to slip out of a depressing mood, I just got some stuff stuck on my mind… and its hard to keep strong especially when tonight suppose to be all about celebrating and being with family and friends…awww ray ray and Tristan just called me there such sweeties… but yeah just drama stuck on my mind, about Eddie… I just feel very hurt and confused… just the stuff he’s been saying to me has got me on a major guilt trip… I can’t magically have feelings for him… I just feel that we’ve been friends for so long that it’s too awkward and confusing to see him as anything more... the message he wrote me really just topped off the reason for my mood… just the things he’s saying hella makes me cry… I just don’t know what to do… I hella care for him and I don’t want to hurt him… but at the same time I’m dying inside by keeping this all to myself… I’m just getting a little overly worked up about the situation but it just hurts…

and another thing that also sucks is when I’m in a gloomy mood I always start to dwell on past hurts and it makes me feel even more unhappy… like about Andrew, its been so long since I had anything to do with him but whenever I feel sad I notice I think about him and it just adds to the unhappiness… It just really gets to me when I think about all the cards and letters I sent to him to let him know I missed him, to wish him a happy birthday, to wish him a Merry Christmas and just to let him know that I still cared… and in return I never received anything back… and it may seem like I’m being a big baby about it but no one really understands how happy a simple letter would make me and just how much it would mean to me to know that he at least still cared… but I guess the end of this year is my signal to let those past hurts fade… and that’s exactly what I’m going to do… because I cant keep hurting myself by caring for someone that doesn’t care for me… I hate letting stupid shit get to me… but I guess what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger… My new years resolution is to be more independent and stronger mentally… I know growing mentally stronger will be a challenge for me because I’m sensitive and can be really insecure but I’m determined to overcome my struggles…well I guess this is a fresh start, drama behind me and happiness ahead…