| dear Xanga community.
i feel like i really need to talk to someone right now just so they know where i am in life. I am really really good at covering things up, but i know something is bothering me when 3 people point it out in the span of a night. i would talk to someone, but the only people i'd talk to are in australia, with someone else, or asleep. so i feel like xanga and my new weblog entry is my friend, and i'm just saying whats on my mind.
Most of you know me as "alex chapman the really really goofy kid who never lets anything bother him and loves jesus with all his heart likes music and is never struggling with anything" well, that's not at all true, yes, i am alex chapman, yes i love jesus, i dont love him as much as i'd like to, i dont rely on him like i want to. right now i'm not goofy, i'm to broken to be goofy. i feel like rather than being broken by just one subject in my life, i'm being broken and destroyed from multiple areas. i dont know if thats the devil and the realm of sin coming into my life, or the lord breaking me in order to re-build me. I once heard a sermon about how forrest fires burn so hot, and do so much damage, but only so they can bring new life, full life. i wonder if thats where i am, but its' not just one thing. i struggle with feeling unworthy of the grace of God. i know the word says he put wicked desires in our hearts so he might show us mercy. but i just feel like a piece of crap that doesn't deserve it sometimes. i'm so bad in putting into words what i want to say. I feel like i'm just waiting around to start what the lord wants me to do with my life. like there's something coming. i dont know if thats with my band, or my school, but i know it's with music. i havent had a bestfriend for a year or so, just kinda been talking to whoever is near me, or whoever will listen, most of the time that does nothing for me. but i have realized that the 3 people the lord has brought together to make music for him are my bestfriends. and i love that. i feel so blessed and so unworthy of that.
i feel like a child who just got thrown into a pool for the first time and has absolutely no idea what to do, or if people are even able to swim. i'm just flailing my arms, hoping to stay afloat sometimes. almost daily. i need to get out on my own, out of my house, i want to surround myself with people i love, and people i would do anything for. i need to leave kansas. whether that be on the road with inMotion, or going across the world with work.
the lord has brought me here and broken me for a reason.
i just need to figure it out.
i wish i had time to be a good boyfriend, but as it is, i barley have time to be a good friend, or as good of a friend as i want to be. maybe my standards for myself are high, but i feel like whoever is a part of my life deserves everything i can give them.
this weekend my band lead worship at camp for 7th - 9th graders. i feel so blessed to have that opportunity. but i wonder if it was by chance, or if the lord had it planed to be like that. did he send the hurricane in order to block kurt from getting here, so we could join in community with these kids and form a friendship with nathan, a kid who didn't have friends, something we all take for granted. did the lord give us a love for music for a reason? or just by chance? i didnt feel worthy to be leading these kids in worship being a broken individual, but something great came out of it. we played a song called "word to build a life on" from jacobs well, and the lord just kinda smacked me in the face and overwhelmed me with emotion when the song goes "jesus is my savior, jesus is divine, jesus is my answer, jesus is my life" like i get caught up in small things, the do's and don'ts of the word sometimes, but it's really not about that. it's about that line right there. i almost started crying on stage i was so blasted with feeling. it was crazy. we're all broken. we're not perfect.
sorry this has been so scattered, i just write exactly what comes into my mind as i'm going. i'm not tellin anyone this in anyway to get you guys calling me asking me to talk about it. unless you feel like you are being led to do that. i just feel like i wear this beautiful coat all the time that is nice and fits me well, but underneath it i am bleeding and not telling anyone. and maybe xanga isn't the way to do it. but like i said. the people i'd talk to right now are not available.
i love you xanga community.
screw the new facebook, it sucks. |
