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| talking it out with yourself.I spend a lot of my time by myself it is well known i think your mind wonders with crazy thoughts delusions concerns you start to wonder how relevant things really are between you and your friends you start to wonder how far love is able to stretch its weary self. Then you start to wonder about love itself you start to wonder about the word itself about what it means to you personally its easy enough to say to some and is thrown around enough that maybe it doesn't have a "meaning" or even really a emotion at all its a word after all just like any other just like the ones I am typing right now it is a of no more significance then say the word hate. But still it evokes a certain level of feeling in one self you feel attached to that person you slowly give your allegiance to this person and you begin to make every effort to make they happy. Emotion is a tricky to to conceive really it has such a complex wall and unique system that it works in given that it means something different for everyone so how is that a human being finds someone else that they connect to that they feel they are so understood and cared for they make them the center of there world instead of themselves. This "emotion" is something I have tried to understand and made every attempt to use the human condition as my catalysis and dare I say that I to have used that "L" word many times and still do as it is but what am I saying what am I really saying that I care for you? That I am falling for you? That our souls are intertwined and bound to intersect at the precise moment in time that the worlds and atoms of the one unit we live in planed on this from our conception. We are the love children of a great unknown a two molecule independent but the.....silence and BANG we smash together both had a path of attraction toward the other. The problem of course lie's in that human error that "emotion" that brought you together is what breaks you apart for there is a dark matter to every light. There is a dark and mysterious side the unknown and what if oh what if this molecule does not feel the same does not want what you have to offer it simply never had that path in mind but instead circles around you like a bullet that doesn't want to hit your chest your own Ora repels the very thing you pine for as if this is some sadistic comedy and you are the puppet on its strings your mind lost in a sea of pain as your body moves with out you. Who are we to chose such things when it seems the Universe has controlled such things as life and will and spirituality our existence is owed to it and then why would our "love" be any different we are drawn to each other the positive toward the negative the "hate" to the "love". But these are all just words........Right?
a very lost little boy.
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| Starting to worry.To many paths with little to no answers but then again Ive become so accustom to being able to see what lye's ahead that Ive forgotten the sense of excitement one can have of not knowing all the facts. This place has changed me and Im not sure if it was for the better. My life is spinning but not out of control more into a order a system of events of calculated thought out events Ive become scared of my own shadow nervous of not knowing all the angles. Ive read more books then I have in the past year here and yet with all this knowledge putting it to practical use is proving to be difficult, in fact I wonder if it was even worth it. My system is killing me slowly eating away at my core making my mind feel weak. My independence is slipping and my malice toward all has increased. I need breaks from this life so often I wonder if it worth it to keep going. I want peace I want answers that are relevant to my situation I am tired of jargon about finding inner beauty. I miss my friends, I miss my life that at one time gave me the greatest joys and the lowest of lows. This is a mixed high low situation and gray area of confusion my feelings are mixed in mixed up and lost meshed together with so many different ideas pushing down on me it hurts. Clearing your head can be done anywhere but its best done in a environment you are comfortable with but there I go off on the tangent about me me me. Its not about me it has nothing to do with me at all. This is meaningless and I am just as meaningless. I am a small partical of a huge atom, a part of a whole mess and have little to no importance I am easily replaced and forgotten. Despite it all and beyond the barriers I can not break there is hope I know floating like some tantalizing prize just waiting to be taken up but always just out of reach. Is it death or is it meaning or both or maybe I just am some lonely fuck who has spent to much time alone in a room lock away waiting for truth to come to him. Making metaphor and writing sloppy journal entries talking about how pitiful this life is. I am a self loathing coincided Leo. And that is all there is to it. No great answer will come to me until i strip these self perceived ideas and that is why the empty are happy. So I should lose these thoughts. Oh break me down like a condemned building. Im sick of this.
fuck me. | | |
| Theory of chokeAll the sudden I feel a lot like Victor except for the dieing mother and lack of drug addiction. Yea. Aside from that it was a great movie every one should see it come to there own conclusions I know about 90 percent of my friends could make a connection in one way or another to the film.
Still searching for meaning though. A empty body who's only got a soul to keep him up.
and what a soul that is.
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| a lot to think about....So in the next couple months Ill finish classes and be that much more informed about farming. The next step involves some choices that could go a lot of different ways. Now i have a few farms in mind for this next season one is on the other side of the country where I would be quiet alone and very much so in a new environment the other is in Maryland close to my mom in fact so close that I could probably walk to her home. Both farms are very good to start out at and both would meet my needs I believe but like any decisions there are variables which I cant not overlook first of which would be Her. She and I have kept a good thing going over such long distances for quiet a while now seven years is no small thing keeping our friendship intact and the integrity of our promises to one another very much so alive. Now that we have both grown and we both have these lives and our youth of silly flirty has starting to take its course. However her path is taking her a very different way then mine where I want to work the land make my way and eventually get my own farm to start growing in mass quantity she is no doubt a city girl she is a party girl and she loves her job very much. How can I take that away from her and how indeed we make this life work I have had opportunity to move out there now and passed it up for school for the dream for the progression beyond my very simple life. But I do drift I love that lifestyle I have the this feeling that if I do not act soon my chances will soon be null and void and I have had to many what if and I should haves they have haunted my dreams and taken up so much of my time as I look back over the relationships that have plagued me based on my own doing how can I not act? No matter the great problem and choices I must make if I move out to the north west I could visit much easier and start to open some doors to move things forward. So back to the choice back to the part I really dont want to think about the part that I have to think about and its the hardest part. But now rambling about things that need not be rambled about anyway the choice is on the table and I have some options around them or to make them work but the particulars are long and I dont feel like wrighting about them now. My mind is racing as is, well lets hope for the best see what comes out of it.
much love,
alex.
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| I enjoy the smell of a new booktoday after work naturally I walked over to the book store and succumb to buying some reading material that interested me. I am quiet excited regardless although now my list of books to read is growing huge and i cant keep up with my purchasing power but its no matter sooner or later I will get to all of them. Right now other then my books for school (which I try to enjoy with all my heart but find it hard to stay focused on the text) I am reading a very exciting book that brings a smile to my face it is titled "Botany of Desire" and it is with out a doubt going to keep my interest until i finish it is a short read but because so much of my time for reading is taken up by other books I have to cheat and find time. Well Im sure all of you are very interested in my reading habits but since I am able to write whatever I want and since nobody reads this except for the computer bots that are looking to sell me something or other why not! Out side of that not much is happening work is work home is home and life is looking a little gray right now I suppose some decisions will have to be made about the coming months such is life and so will it go.
Much love,
alex.
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