alice23's Xanga

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 08:10:11 GMT

There is a place in life, or maybe its a fantasy, or a dream. Its a place that just makes you feel good. Like everything in the world is exactly as good as you could have ever envsioned it to be. The sun is shining, the air smells sweet, you have love in your life, you're young and in good health, and everything you ever needed has been fufilled. Its that faraway place that were always striving to get to, that place that we spend our lives dreaming about becoming. Close your eyes and you know it. Think ahead ten years and it hangs in front of you. Hear a song and you feel it, calling to you, your soul longs for it and painfully feels its absence. Almost every minute were striving for it, for some other life, for some other fantasy to become our reality. To be alive in it, to feel it, to come to that point and BE SATISFIED WITH THE PRESENT. I live for that time. I have lived for that time. That faraway hope.
But i have found, that the surprsing truth after all this time, is that when I am close to God, I am in that time, that time is now because He is near me.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 21:15:29 GMT

i went for a jog this morning, it was beautiful. I wonder why i havent been doing this all the years that ive been here. boo.

after that i fell into a stupor. I kinda just zoned out for the whole day, which is unsusual for me since i only do this about 5 min at a time. but today i went for a couple hours, until sabaa pulled me outta my bed, and then our whole apt had a shouting match about who made who watch lame mtv. ahh. what a bonding moment.

frustrating thought of the day: why am i still living on campus? i cant afford it, its putting me in debt. theres gotta be something good about doing this right?? please remind me jesus.

someone kick my but in gear please.thanks.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Wed, 13 Oct 2004 07:12:08 GMT

midnight man. it creeps up fast on you. lots of things creep up really fast on you in life. deadlines, the morning sun, depression, laziness, lack of trust in God. I dont know if i like that about life. In fact i dont, i really really dont.

anywho, the day is beautiful. I got up at 6:30am and went surfing (or tried to) with allesandra and dan. Went all the way out to manresa, and just wimped out. I was really bummed. sat. i went to rio del mar and got wiped out by a huge set of over 5 ft. closed out waves, my board hit my lip and i had a fatty for a day. Better than michaels concussion i guess. anyway, i panicked and oxygen just burns up when you panic. thus i thought i was going to die, luckily i didnt. I dont think id like to die drowning.

anywho. im going to retire to bed now.

my heart is confused. boo.

night.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 23:43:14 GMT

i love when i hear really good music. LIke a line in a song that just makes things feel so right, like makes you feel really peacful and like youre in a euphoric moment. i love that, especially when music gives you goosbumps.

ok, i think im just procrastinating from facing up to the reality of life. That being making decisions about life, doing hw, praying, excercising. I hate when i get like this.

i woke up this morning feeling really funny, like not ha ha funny. but like really weird, not myself. Like you know when you feel like your still in a dream or something weird like a haze of some sort descends on you?

i need clarity, i need discipline, i need light.

itll come. im glad for that. just not for the effort i have to put into getting it. but i guess ya gotta work for things that are good right?

right!

im gonna go to safeway now.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 19:01:40 GMT

should i stay or should i go, should i stay or should i gooo now, if i stay there will be trouble, if i go it will be double, so come on and let me knoooooooooooooooooooooooooooow! should i stay or should i go?

freak, if i stay in college for another year i get to be around friends that i love. faye, ryan, megs, and other folk that im forgetting right now. But i guess i could do that if i live here anywyas. but things arent the same. dammit. I NEED TO MAKE UP MY MIND!!

ok, i gg.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Sun, 10 Oct 2004 09:20:24 GMT

who am i writing this stuff too, i wonder.

school has been its usual self. like a ride that youre on, but youre not ready to start yet, like your foot is half in the ride and it shoots off and youre clinging to it with all your might to friggin stay on but you end up crashing and burning...yeah. something like that.

life, well life has been like a dryland lately. Like going on areally long hike in the hot sun, with no trees and little water. Im just doing too much and not getting enough of whats important to keeping me happy about life, quality time with God.

Friends and familiy. Theyre awesome. Always great. Sad that most of my school family will be graduating. Theres fear and uncertainty in what the end of a life of school will look like for these friends that i love. Where will it take them, where will we all end up in life in 10 years? Will we be hanging out with our families, will we still call one another friends? i mean like really truly friends? God i hope so. I love you guys. I love kara, sabaa, jiunn, chanell, jen, justin, daniel theyve become another family to me. God thank you for this family. Im gonna miss them a lot when they leave, and when im chillin in class next year. Thank God for friends not graduating. But damn, its gonna be sad, and i hate feeling sad, feeling anything but ok. But i guess sadness and tears are not that bad.

I love life right now, im happy to be alive and well, happy to love and to BE loved. But im scared to, for the future. For living this life and growing old and losing people i love.

time for bed.

i love you all.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 08:51:37 GMT

Summer is over, I went halfway across the world and now im back. The phillipines was amazing. The people there are amazing, Gods works there are so awesome. I love God, I love my Father in Heaven. Its awesome because this was my prayer before i went there, i wanted to be a woman that was not looking for other things to make me happy (that always never worked), i wanted to be a woman that was sure of myself, sure of my identity as a belove daughter of GOD. I was tired of living my life in anxiety and self doubt and hate. Knowing that i am fearfully and wonderfully made changes everything.

Thats all ill write for tonight. Tommorow, maybe more.

night.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Wed, 19 May 2004 06:31:00 GMT

ok, so its been a long and hectic while since ive last written in this journal. Schools been pretty crazy and in the midst of all that theres just been so much change within my life.

A few changes: My college affiliation is now college 8. I changed because i feel like God has it for me to bible study lead and live in the college 8 community. So now im living in the preceptor apt. with sabaa, jeanette, and christina in B/G dorm at c8.

also, this summer im going to manila, phillipines for 6 wks to work with a church doing a bunch of things (building houses, visiting people, running programs, wkg with women in stuck in prostitution, and lots more) I dont know what to expect because ive never been out of the country. but i think itll be good.

Anywho. surfing has been really fun, ive been learning a lot about how to be comfortable in the water. its good stuff.

dnag i really dont know how to keep up with these things. i kinda wanna stop. like you cant REALLY journal in these things cuz im not about to put all my REALLY personal stuff in there ya know? and then i dont think people really wanna just read a recount of everything that ive been doing ya know?

oh well. im done for today.

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 06:54:43 GMT

so its the weekend before midterms, things are going a little haywire. Had a hard time gettting through classes this week but it happened. Shoo, my teacher even slept through class this week.

darn, k. its time to study some more or something.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 06:30:14 GMT

Tommorow its going to rain, and its going to be my first class surfing. We'll probably go to cowells, but i keep getting really nervous because the last time i went surfing i got malled at pleasure point. Hopefully it wont be so bad.

lets see, what else do i talk about in an online journal? its hard cuz you can only talk about so much, so then whats the point of an online journal? hmm...since i started one do i have keep writing in it? ack.

ok, g'night folks, im done with this.